Just me again. Oh my I sure love myself!!!:0)

Diamond in the rough?

Silly me

5 things I am scared of.

* sneezing and getting and aneurysm.

*the bathtub falling through the floor while im bathing.

* the ground cracking and us falling through.

* stepping on a razor

* a snake crawling out of the toilet.

it was all so simple when I was a child.

I can still smell the sweet scent of your skin.
I lick my lips with the dearest taste of your lingering kiss, despite the fact they have been untouched for weeks.
I see the clearest picture sketched, like a movie reeling its way through my mind.
I see the hairs prickle down your chest.
Your arms extended towards me.
Your smile highlighting the dark spaces in my head.
Your voice cracks with emotion, pure joy.
My last memories of you flutter randomly amougst my other thoughts.
I have this alluring sense of love hovering over me, like a misty breeze coating my body. Looking into your eyes I feel the storm coming on, the gentle winds stirring and clouds approaching.
I remember how your body cringed when I placed my hand near you.
And as I cover my head to hid the tears your turned away.
The slightest detail lays in the foreground of my impaired heart, consuming an alarming amount of area.
Perfection is indefinite, just a series of lucky events, but I keep covering any misdoings with false memories of perfection.
The harsh words from your mouth still couldn't cease my sense of your perfection.
I hope someday to gaze apon the real truth.

just shit that haunts me.

It was warm out and the sun was slipping between the blinds in his living room.
We were cuddled up on his futon watching a movie; that seemed to be our nightly routine.
I can't even remember what movie it was or the clothing I was wearing, but I do remember the look on his face and the nervous shake in my voice. I dont think i practiced what i was going to say to him and I believe I surprised myself more when I heard the words.
I remember stumbling on my words and just half listening to his words. I keep staring at his face and feeling my cheeks rise. I couldn't stare at him without a smile.I couldn't lay next to him and keep my hands to myself. I knew there was a tinkle in my eye and I liked it.
I was laying in this comfort zone, i was comfy and I felt so safe. My brain might of been running slow but my heart was right on track. My heart felt every stare, every kiss and loving word.I knew I had to tell him, it was pounding in my chest. I looked at him and broke the silence stumbled on my words and tried to explain what i was feeling inside. But no words could justify the butterflies in my stomach.
I thought my attempted was horrible,my sentences were crumbling.I can't remember the exact words, i know i probably didn't make much sense, but in the end i said what i needed to say.The only 3 words that mattered.He look honored and shocked.I know the words stunned his thoughts. We were both silent and i buried my head into his shoulder,not because i regretted my words, but because maybe he wasn't feeling the same. I watched his eyes and I could tell he was trying to place his words carefully. He didn't want to sting me with the wrong words. He explained that he didn't want to say something he didn't mean and he cared for me alot.But had to be sure. I respected his view and I agreed.It didn't hurt, it was smart!

Days later we were laying in the guest bedroom at his parents house.He told me he had to tell me something but he was silent.We laid there in the dark, with the soft sounds of his voice. I could hear the small break across his face. And I urged him to speak up, deep inside I knew the exact words he was about to say.I am embarrassed to admit that tears welled up in my eyes as he pronouced he loved me. The words trickled off his tongue, bumpy but clear. He never felt so happy and content. I was someone he felt comfortable with and he loved me.That special night changed me forever, its locked deep in my heart.

I found this saved in my documents from like 2 years ago.

Kitty Cat!

I almost forgot. My little sister Laura got a kitty today. We don't have a name picked out yet.
Here are the choses.

1. Blush
2. Classy
3. Pearl
4. Summer
5. Keys
6. Princess
7. lola

what do you guys think?

I see London I see france..I see Amandas underpants.

LAST NIGHT.
Laura and I raced to the mall 40 mins before it was due to closed. It was a last minute decision. I needed some new panties, she wanted to drop off a resume. We had to walk. It only took us 10 minute and about 20 stares from creepy old man. But it didn't matter, we were on a mission. I love colorful panties. Just my luck, they were all colorful with cool designs. I had to think quick. There were so many to pick from! But I found 5 pairs. I was good to go. Laura and I decided to go see Deuce Bigelow after that. We ran to Sobeys and bought some treats yet again. Cost $6.79, for hers and mine together. What a deal. Of course I had to pay for everything. But what are big sisters for? What a hilarious movie. I had to cover my mouth at times, because I was laughing so loud. I don't know where people come up with there ideas. There were atleast 50 slang words for a penis. "She-stick" "Mangina" "Twat-sicle" Just thinking about the movie again has got me laughing. I would so go see it again! Even with the weird guy across the isle from us, staring at us with his jacket over his crotch and his hands hidden. Um Yuck! 2 thumbs up for the movie.

TONIGHT
I failed. I spent 124 dollars on clothes. I didn't even last a week without shopping. Im weak! I bought a green cord blazer,a few long sleeve shirts.A gorgeous purple sweater and a tank top.
I then treated my dad to supper. We got take out. BBQ chicken nachos. My fave. It cost 30 bucks. I getting close to broke and I got to Halifax in a week. Im gonna have to borrow some money!Big brothers on soon. Im gonna go prepare.:0)

Before you say anything, I do wear thongs. I have about 30 pairs. I wanted panties, or boy cut ones to wear to bed and to work. And if you have nothing nice to say about my panties..don't say anything at all.LOL

One hot night.

I waited in the window, I watched his jeep pull up. He couldn't remember which house I lived at. He park in front of the house across the street. I hesitated. Waited to see if hed drive away. I had butterflies.I tip toed out and jetted across the street. He was nervous, I could tell by his gestures.We talked with ease.He lived 2 blocks away. He lived in a grand house. A mansion. Ive told him his house was beautiful many times before. He always responded the same way every time. It wasn't his house. It was his parents. Its all different in his eyes., its not a mansion its a house. Hes not rich, his parents are. To me its all the same. His house is a maze, its dark.His parents are gone out.We are alone.I grab his hand, I need to be lead.He pats the wall, searching for the light switch. He then leads me to his bedroom. We breath harmoniously. He eyes me, his eyes light up. He smiles. I smile.His bed is big, its soft. He motions for me to come closer. I make the first move.Im in his arms.

Hes got the softest hair and skin to match!All this dancing around is just a fantasy. I can see both worlds and I wish they would collide. But if you can get the milk for free, why buy the cow? And I know that applies to me. Its not that I am infatuated with him, but Ive had a crush on him for a long time, hes framed in my mind as the ideal guy. I know hes not perfect, but he's etched in my mind as a dream. In reality he maybe completely different.

Right at this moment my needs are met, everything is in line. And my head silences. I feel more comfortable around him when we are alone., but every other situation it feel different. I dont feel uncomfortable when Im near him, I sure don't feel ashamed, it actually feels great to have a secret.

Hes so down to earth and modest. He makes me feel great. He talks to me like a friend and gets nervous. He was so excited tonight,very passionate , filled with so much energy. But back to the cow quote, in this case he was never going to buy the cow. So I think it was either take it or leave it. I think I took the chance that I was given, it wasn't going to be any different.And I know taking the chance or not taking it was going to give me the same equation. I won't stop dreaming, but I know when the dreams ends and when I do wake up it wont be in his arms. Its ok because its not meant to be. I can feel it. But I can still enjoy him in my own way.

All I can think about is his touch, it was soft but strong.He would grab me then caress me . The only problem, his only downfall was his kiss. I guess the kiss differs with the sitaution.His whole mouth covers mine.I can feel his teeth on my lips.His whole tongue licks the back of my mouth. Its like hes hungry, hes eating something. He slurps and pants. heavily. I should of told him. I should of said slow down. Relax. But I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, or ruin the moment.

Just a few of My favorite pictures

I love my boys
And my Boys love me haha. They aren't actually touching my boobs. lol
Me and lissa...getting pretty for the clubs.
Rachel and I @ the Hotel
Ladies Ladies!!
Me and the Cat before heading to the Bar.
Me Lissa and Joanne just fooling around.
The whole gang.
Lissa & I Chilling in the Jeep.
Nicky D & I
Me Lissa and Jessica Kareokee Night.

Last night, or should I say this morning I was awoken buy my cell phone ringing. I answer it and its my sister drunk, she telling me to come out side. I can't even concentrate on her words, I m soo tired. So I say no and hang up. I roll over and begin to drift back to sleep, but I hear something scratching the the screen on my window.

Ands then I hear "Hey, hey, Amanda, wake up. Its me garth.Come outside. Get up please." Argh after a few minute of yelling at his to leave.Im fully woken so I get up and through on a sweater. My hairs a mess, I have no bra and and super short shorts on. But I stumble up the stairs. I go outside and the three of them, my sister, Garth and nick are underneath my youngest sister Laura's window. They have woken her and her friend up and are chatting with them from outside. I crept up and scared. All three were drunk and wanted to go to the park and swing on the swings. OMG!! We talked for 10 minutes about random stuff. Garth wanted a kiss, he told me he loved me and Im soo mean to him. I was breaking his heart. He always plays this game when hes drunk. Its annoying. I was soo tired. I tell them Im cranky because they woke me up at 4 am and I gotta work in like 4 hours.

It only took me like an hour and a half to fall back alseep. Grrrrr. Boys lol.

me right now..tired..sooo tired... I don't wanna work. I may look awake and happy, thats just the camera. Once I put the camera away...Im tired again!Arghhhhh....2 days off tomorow. Can't WAIT. 

Its so humid out, the air feels sticky. Its putting me out of the mood to do anything.

I worked today,but I didn't take a lunch because I wanted to get out of there. Everyone was cranky, becasue two people called in sick. We were really short on people. We didn't have anyone in the lanudry room, meaning we had to fold our own towles and sheets. No tips today for me. Its ok tho, this cute little man left me 20 dollars yesterday. He was down from Ontario with his wife and they stayed for 6 days. Everytime I seen them they would talk to and tell me about there day. They were soo kind and sweet, they didn't even yell at me when i forgot to put cups and glasses back in there room.

I got home and my mom made me clean out my shoe closet. I never realized how my shoes, boots and sandels I have. I have too many. I must of gotton rid of atleast 4 pairs of boots. 6 pairs of shoes and 10 pairs of sandels. I don't wear them, so we are going to give them to Headstart.Headstart is great because they are a non profit orgainzation that gives away second hand stuff to people in need. Every 6 months I collect a garbag full of clothes to donate to them.

I was in the midst of cleaning my room, but I have a short attention span. And I get bored. Atleast I got the clothes off my floor and Im washing my sheets. Thats a good improvment.

Whats on tonights adgenda? BBQ chicken Nachos and a few movies. Top it off with Mint chocolate chip ice and reading. Im soo excting lol.

me

This is me right now, this exact second, buzzing and tired.

Just got home from a crazy time. We went to storms, which is a Kareokee bar. It was pretty dead, but there was about 15 us, so we livened it up. I wasn't planning on drinking. But chris keep buying me shots.One after another. I think we had 5 tequllia shots and two other shots that I cant remember. Im a little buzzed. But no drunk.Grrr. I only went out at 12, it was last minute. I hadn't been talking or hanging out with Lissa for a while. But she called me and said were coming to get you @12 be ready. And so I was. And it was worth it. I had a great time. Mike and chris got up and sang "Strawberry wine" It was Halirous!!!I loved it.

Chris was flirting with me all night. Were pretty good friends, so I laugehd it off. He just broke up with his g/f. But he was saying that he thinks Im goregous.And he'd love to be my boyfriend. I don't think he was joking. Which made me feel uncomfortable. Well it made me feel like i didn't know how to act. It caught me off guard.


I need to get to bed..more on this in the morning. well no I work in the am.YUCK

Bye bye shopping mall.

Spandex makes a skinny person look fat, imagine what it looks like on a fat person. Well I got that opportunity. Trust me I had an eye full, she looked like a walking house. Im so conscious about what I wear and what I look like, I guess some people just don't care. But all the power to you , if you like the way you look in spandex, then wear em everyday lol.

Im starting rehab. Rehab for shopaholics. withdrawal is a Bitch. I have been working for 7 years and over the years all that I have saved is $ 75.00. So I realized that if I want to move out or do anything for that matter I need to start saving money. And to start saving money I need to stop spending it.

Cat and I went to Old Navy yesterday. I bought nothing. Im pretty proud of myself. But Im itching for some new clothes. Its one of my favorite feelings. I seen a blue cardigan I wanted. A brown blazer, brown dress pants and a cute velvet purse. I want it all!

Every pay day I take the bus to the mall and shop, spending usually about 200 on clothes. I have two large dressers FULL of clothes. My closet, as seen in the picture is jam packed, the rod is actually bending lol.
I believe I have more clothes than all three of my sisters put together. Funny thing is I charge them money to borrow my clothes. Its like a clothing store. People will ask my sisters where they get there clothes and they respond with "My sisters closet" people actually think its a store.

I need some encouragement to help me stay clear of the shopping mall.

Joanne

Joanne's in Calgary for 8 days. Don't we look pretty...drunk..actually I was buzzed in this picture. Im such a cheap drunk.
Who will I go clubbing with now??:(

She's a dreamer. 

tell me what you want.what you really really want.

WANTED.
If you checked more than 5 of these give me a call. If you checked them all I'll meet you at the end of the isle wearing a beautiful white dress.Be ready to say I DO.!!!!lol

[ ] Doesn't mind if I pick my nose
[ ] Will warm up my feet.
[ ] Buy me candy everyday
[ ] Loves to get his picture taken and will take pictures of me.
[ ] Calls me in the middle of the night just to say I love you.
[ ] Loves to spoon
[ ] Will hold my hand in the shopping mall.
[ ] Farts
[ ] Likes pussy........cats lol
[ ] Laughs at my jokes..no matter what.
[ ] Will put nose drops in my nose.
[ ] Has alittle hair on his chest
[ ] Can do atleast 5 push ups
[ ] Can cook Kraft dinner
[ ] Won't tell me my breath smells like a rat crawled in it and died, even if it really does.
[ ] Won't be offended when I call him a dirtbag (in my lanuage its a sign of love)
[ ] Won't listen to me pee.
[ ] Flips his pillow to the cool side.
[ ] Knows how to take off my bra with one hand
[ ] Loves having sex 4 times a day
[ ] Does not carry around his ex girlfriends picture in his wallet.
[ ] Is willing to clean up after me.

[ ] Doesn't mind if I only shave my legs in the summer.

depressing me I know...lol

So the last post is really about a girl that died yesterday. I went to school with her, we were on the wrestling team together, I usually had to pratise with her because we were in the same weight category. I haven't really seen her since then, or even know her all that well anymore for that matter. But it doesn't make her death any less sad. I feel bad for her family and friends they are the ones who are suffering.

I got in a fight with my oldest sister. Gillian. But thats nothing new. [ I need to makes a side note first to help you understand. Sometimes just hearing my sisters voice annoys me.So sometimes I jump down her throat. We fight way to much.] So she walked in the door and asked if I knew the girl that died. I said "Yes. And I know she's dead." And I guess from my tone I sounded inconsiderate. But I didn't mean for it to sound that way. Im blunt, I always have been. I have talked about the death at least 10 times already that day, so when Gillian asked I was kind of nonchalant. She of course blow up at me saying that I only thought about myself. She told me I was self centered and couldn't empasise with anyone. I of course yelled back, not I'm sure what I said.I tried to explain to her that just because I don't cry when someone's dies that make me a bad person.I needed to defend myself, but it wasn't working. Anyways this went on for like 10 mins and my mom took my sisters side.

I do understand that my tone may of sounded like I didn't care. But I can be a little guarded with my feelings when people ask and I don't want to show. I do feel bad about what happened I just don't talk about it. My sisters will go on for hours talking about it and cry, And I will say that sucks. And write about it in my journal. But every thing I am saying is making me sound bad and making Gillian sound right. So I will shut up.

My newest OBESSION! 

whats left?

Sometimes thinking of the "what if's" grounds us and reminds us what human life is really made up of. Life revolves around death and tragedy, most things aren't fair, but its the cycle of life. We live in such a materialistic , me-me kind of world that its a complete shock when anything is taken away from us. And if we never get them back it breaks us. Living with the knowledge that things could be worse makes us wiser. It prepares us for tragedies and mistakes that will happen.

People say live your life to the fullest because life is too short. But death isn't what we should fear, there are worse things happening in the world, then people dyeing. Once you are dead it doesn't matter how much you lived your life, because your dead. Its unfortunate events that happen while you are living that matter and will affect you. You could wake up one morning unable to walk, or be diagnosed with and incurable disease, and thats when it will matter how much you lived your life.

When you die you aren't sad or disappointed. And you do not regret things you haven't done.Laying in the hospital bed is when you will dissect your life and beat yourself up for not living it too the fullest.Or when your old, looking back on the sweet moments of your life and not having any regrets will be what matters the most.Its not living your life to the fullest its counting your blessings.Sure we could live adventurously and full of spirits, but we should keep in mind that nothing is granted to us. Things can be taken away in a split second. We could loss body parts, eye sight or materialistic things. And whats would we do? All we could do is count our blessings all over again. It usually takes losing something to fully understand how much we appreciated it. We need to grasp all the things we do have and be happy. Realizing what we have before its gone.

I can handle it.

Because I don't have a boyfriend I am needy, this is what my sister tells me.Poor Amanda, is what I hear them say.She must be lonely, she must feel out of place. Honestly I DON'T.From time to time I have these feelings but its normal. But I don't live my life watching couples pass me by and crying in my pillow for Mr. Right. I am capable of finding someone. I don't really have a reason why I am single, I guess I haven't really been putting myself out there. Maybe I am not fully ready for someone new, some thing serious. I think the door to my heart is shut at the moment.

I am not overjoyed to be single, but I don't need someone in my life. I am independent and strong on my own. I know too many girls whose lives revolve around boys. They need to have a boyfriends at all time or they cannot operate right. They relay on a man to make them feel good, to protect them and to make them feel pretty. I think that is pathetic. One friend of mine is a perfect example of this. I cannot remember a time when she was single. She depends on her boyfriend to drive her to work, school and anywheres else she needs to go. She expects him to stick up for her and fight off anyone who makes her mad. She demands that he spend everyday with her, and she cannot hang out with her friends unless he comes along.Its like she can not operate with out her man holding her hand.I can't understand why she needs to be so dependent on him.I suspose to give her security.


My friends and family either look up to me or down at me. Theres no happy medium. Either way people look at it, its never right. I am needy, I can't not find someone or I am not interested. Or on the other side, I am too independent, Im better off without a boyfriend and Im so strong.I don't know why I am single, its just that way. Im not searching for a man, but if someone came into my life I would be happy. I don't need a man to feel secure, but having a man to make me happier would be great.I do want a someone I can count on, a shoulder to cry on and lips I can kiss. I just feel like I don't need to settle or lower my standards for a guy who might only make me happy for a bit.I don't want to have to wait around for his call,or planning my day around him. And I don't need jealously and worried thoughts in my head.I don't need the fighting and rollercoaster of emotions.

I do not feel uncomfortable around couples. It doesn't not make me depressed or jealous.I don't feel left out or alone. Love is extraordinary, but when your in it just to be in it, its wrong. Its fake.When I find love, be happy for me.Or if you can find a great guy to love me that would be nice . But right now Im happy and content.So be happy for me too.

Holes of beauty.

When I was younger I despised my dimples. I would hid behind my mom clutching her tshirt as people ohhhed and awwed about how lovely my dimples were. People actually pinched my cheeks, as if they could feel the dimples. I hated that! I just couldn't understand what the fuss was about. I looked in the mirror and on either side of my lips were two dents. When I smiled or talked it looked like part of my cheeks caved in.

In my head it was a deformity. People would confess there jealously for my dimples and I would laugh. I probably sound foolish making a big deal out of this, but I was so shy when I was younger. I couldn't understand why people would always talk about them. And as a child being different isn't good. We want to look like all our friends, so these two small holes bothered me.

Holes of beauty was what a french black man called them, of course he said it in french,that was the translation. He made my blush and I laughed. This was last year. I now look in the mirror and appreciate my holes of beauty.They are rare and special. Dimples just enhance a smile. When I see a cute guy with dimples I just melt. And I see a pretty girl with dimples it makes me smile. I now love the attention more than when I was younger. My dimples are a bonus, I've been told I have a great smile. And I assume the dimples help. Now I think "Damn those are cute dimples lol"

a few days ago....

What can you do when you run out of ideas?
You run forward but in actuality its a giant circle .
Life sometimes stops for you, but it keeps moving for others.
How do you catch up?
My days are a blur of uneventful hours.
I don't even trust myself anymore.
I don't understand my own feelings.
And I can't keep up with my mood swings.

Let me start this post off with saying I went to bed early to catch up on my sleep. I was so tired, I crawled into bed at 9:00, I am now awake at 4am...I can't sleep anymore.So i decided to post , the computer usually makes me tired. Im also eating gobstoppers.

Friday -I made sloppy Joes and ate them with my rents. We watched Napoleon Dynamite. My dad couldn't believe how weird the movie was, and surprisingly funny. I love that movie, I could probably recite half of it.

Saturday- worked until 3:30. I ate fish and chips and took a long nap. Then I got dressed up and went down to main street with cat to have a drink and people watch before the movie. We made a pit stop at sobeys and bought some treats, I bought BBQ style goldfish, gobstoppers and water.

We went to see "Must love Dogs" it was really cute.A feel good movie. There was just one out of character, kind of random scene that made my eyebrows turn up. Close to the end the two characters had this long makeout kiss in front of the butcher. So weird. They could of used with out that. But oh well. In the end I'd give it 3 out of 4 stars ***.

Sunday- worked until 2:30 had a better day, I was on the first level so it wasn't as hot and only 3 rooms were trashed. I went on a kitty hunt with my mom and youngest sister to look for a new kitten.We seen a lot of really cute ones. Mind you we already have 4 cats, crazy if we get another. But my little sister is spoiled and she always gets what she wants, even if we cant afford it. There expensive. Like 90 dollars, then you need to get them fixed and declawed..way too much money for us. Anyways after that I went out for supper with my older sister. We went to Mooser's , a pub with excellent food. I order a delicious burger with fries. My only complaint, well I have two. They were out of potato wedges, that was the real reason why i chose Moosers. And number 2 , it was freezing in there!!! Gillian and I had a fair time..the conversation was mid-interesting. And we left a tip 5 bucks. Not bad Miss Waitress!

One more thing, if you don't need change is it alright to just leave the money on the table. We waited for the waitress to come back, but she was taking her good old times.So that is just what we did. I ve seen people do it before. I was just scared they were going to think we didnt pay.

socks

i need to buy some new socks. just basic white socks. i prefer fruit of the looms. im a no frills kind of gal when it comes to socks. and i get so excited to buy new ones, fresh white and comfy.ever put a new pair of socks on and feel how soft and coushiony they are?(coushiony is that a word? who knows. it is now!) i love it! its the best feeling.its like walking on clouds. they usually only stay that way until you wash them. so i decided if i ever won the lottery or became famous i would only wear my white socks once, i could afford it. that way they were always be soft. most of socks right now have holes in them, same with my underwear. i dont know where the holes come from.on my socks the holes are right below my toes. and on my undies i find the holes usually on my butt. maybe i scratch my butt too much or sit on my butt too long. but i doubt that is the reason. its beyond me where these damn holes are coming from. i think i need to look for extra strong undies. double up on the fabric or something ..lol

She sees Red

She was a lonely girl with a broken smile.
Spending most of her days alone with a huge hunger in her heart.
She hides her feelings by painting her lips red and plunging her neck line inches lower.
Her friend's roles differ from enemies to lite companions.
She struggles to find happiness through a sea of men.
None of which care enough to hold her after the deed is done.
She flaunts herself, but fears the negative rejection,
She brags about her many partners but most of them would deny any relationship with her.
All the lies harden her heart, and the sex makes her jaded.
She in denial of her happy happy life.

This is not about me lol. Its about a friend of mine, well actually more of an acquaintance.

The tip fairy came.

Through out the 16 rooms I cleaned today I receive 10 dollars in tips. Not too shabby, I graciously accept that. Mind you it was a lot of quarters and dimes, it weighed the pocket in my uniform down. But in the end its all Money. Im happy!:0)

Tip me!!!

No one ever leaves a damn tip! I work at a hotel cleaning rooms. Im a housekeeper. With all the work I do, and mess I clean, I believe people should leave Tips.

Tell me this, why do you HAVE to feel obligated to leave a tip at a restaurant. Its like an unwritten rule that you tip your waitress or waiter after the meal. Now the rate is different with everyone. I ve heard that it is 15%, so you pretty much tip what you paid in taxes.

Let me paint you a picture with words. The waitress arrives at your table hands you the plastic menus and asks what you would like to drink. She then leaves, gets them and takes your order. She may help you by recommending a good dish or bring extra sauce. She then brings your meal to you. With the length it takes you to eat your meal she may come back once or twice to see if everything is satisfactory. Then she brings you your bill and collects the money. Wow now thats tiring!Not.

No listen to my hardship of cleaning your hotel room. I enter a room prop open the door and turn on the air -conditioner, because it bloody hot and I am stuck in this heavy blue cotton uniform. I strip the two beds, clean up dirty wrappers, condoms and the million of beer bottles strewn across the room. Since people are unable to put there garbage in the waste bin, I have to drag a garage bag around clearing everything into it. Half eaten take out boxes,cups and used Kleenex. I then collected all the dirty wet towels from the bathroom. I wash down everything, the tables, windows, tv and picture frames from all the coffee spills and finger prints. The I make both the bed and bring fresh towels to the bathroom. I replace the gazpacho bags and vacuum the floor. I then have to get on my hands and knees and wipe all the stray hairs off the bathroom floor. I have to wipe the pee off the toilet seat and tooth paste from the sink.And I get Zip for cleaning up all this mess. This is just an example of a room. Most rooms on a weekend tend to be worse, they look like a tornado hit them. Now I m not complaining, I know this is all part of my job. But I just don't understand how a person can walk out of there room and not think " Hey this poor girl has to clean my dirty room, heres a dollar."

Now Im not going to downplay a waitress's job anymore, because I now she/he may have to deal with drunk and rude people.And they deal with the public more so than I do. But the way I look at it is, if they deserve tips then so do I. I dont expect 10 dollars, I get excited to see 2 dollars lol.So anything would be appreciate. If people really knew what we had to do to get there room the way they see it when they first check in, they might think differently. No one ever sees the trashed rooms.

Im such a whiner but I don't get paid enough to clean used condoms and rotten food. For the love of God leave me a Tip. Money makes me happy!!!!:0)

If you can't sing...sing anyways

Her face laced with freckles, she lays under the bushy maple tree, daydreaming. Her white cotton skirt creases under her knees. Why would a mother buy a playful child a white skirt we will never know. She claims with a giggle that something so beautiful can't help but be ruin. The little girls toes dig into the grass and dirt. She hopes the sunny day will be a good time to catch butterflies. Shes perched under the tree for hours, exploring the rocks and leaves. The most complicated task of her day is to catch her butterfly. Her motive painted with innocence. She doesn't plan to own the butterfly or trap it, she just wants to watch it's beauty. She's want to examine every inch and then set it free. She waits patiently for her butterfly by pointing out the pictures in the clouds.

"So I wash away the stains of yesterday"

What is sex? A feeling or a commitment? We all know sex has different affects on males and females. But what are they?Does one feel more than the other? When your in a relationship whether you are male or female, sex is a bond, its a special way of communication. Its the ultimate connection between two people. But when your not in a relationship, sex is a game. I think we want less feelings and just a moment. A moment to release and let go. A moment to enjoy. Ive try both scenarios and I could never see myself living in those games. Its a bunch of secretes, some times awkwardness and so quick. Where's the love?
The tenderness? I'd rather have the moments after sex with someone I love, then the passion in those few minutes with someone I dont.

When I hear about how much better he's doing without me it breaks me down. Maybe I could be happy for him if there wasn't this rift between us. If we could speak to each other and our hard feelings would soften. But how can I forgive him for the hurts hes caused me when hes still causing me pain. He told Justin that I called him last month. Justin is sort of a mutual friend, but more my friend, Ive known justin all my life, and he worked with justin for a few month. Justin doesn't care much for M (MY EX) that much, but because of work they speak every so often. I usually dread having one of one convos with Justin because he always has something to tell me about M.


But Im shocked that M would lie. I haven't spoke to M in over 6 months. Ive made little to no contact with him. The times time I tried to contact him was once in a txt message and Ive already confessed to that moment of weakness. And the second was when I sent him an email. Well actually it was even an email it was like one of those picture jokes. I thought it was funny.

I want to be happy for him, but he wont let me. He either likes to make me look bad, or hes telling justin I called him, so that justin will tell me. I really have no clue whats goes thru his head. But I never did anything to him, I have been more than a friend, and he seems to hate me.
I am almost jaded a few tears crept out of my eyes, but I cant cry anymore. Im going crazy. My life is a shame. I have nothing to be proud of, nothing to look forward to. Ive been in the same position since M left. I am embarrassed. To see him happy sucks, but its worse that everything has changed for him, everything is wonderful for him and Im stuck in the same spot.
I feel like a failure at everything. Unable to live out the smallest part of my dreams. Some days I feel like I am dyeing, theres nothing left of me. Just sad words floating out of my mouth. Im habouring all this pain, embarrassment and regret. Im scared.

Everytime I talk to Justin he upsets me. God love him he's a great guy, but he always brings up M. He throws it all back in my face, in my world. He makes me face reality and rains on my dreams. He tells me that M's happy without me, hes a changed man. The two are living together and thinking about marriage. Its just hard to hear, and its even harder to face. To see him gone, I should be happy, to see him moved on, should make me happier. But it really just makes me examine my life and makes me feel soo low..



anyways enough saddness and complaing. Im just having a bad day. I better get to work I am going to be late. Id rather call in sick, but I'll manage.

To whom this may concern

Dear Mr. Future,


I hope you can see that I am trying to plan for you, but you always seem so far away. Theres this guy named Mr. Present and he takes up all my time.I have to buy new clothes just to look good for him. It seems to make more sense to worry about work tomorrow and paying my bills next week, then trying to find you Mr.Future. Becasue what you offer me feels like years away. And things can change in a moment, things can end or begin. It feels like a dream never to become reality.


Mr. Future what do you have in store for me? Can you promise me a great job, one in which I enjoy and can make even the slightest difference in peoples lives. Can you promise me a cute apartment, independence and money? Can you promise me a tall handsome, with lean arms and a cute smile. A man full of laughter, love and sweet words for me. I dont ask for a lot. Just a happy life. Could you give me that. Maybe you see me becoming famous and rich. But if not I'll put up with just being happy. Could I butter you up with fancy words to make my future brighter?



Please contact me and let me know when we can book an appointment to discuss what lies ahead for me. In conclusion I am just an unorganized, procrastinator and I need some help. So my question for you, Mr. Future, is can you help me find my way?


Yours Truly,

Amanda Q.

xoxo

Life changes.

Im content. But I never wanted to be content. I wanted to be entheastic. I want to feel over thrilled with my life. I just need to figure out how to make this happen.

Sentimental

You don't need to hid in the tall grass* With a gentle kiss from the wind you will be on your way * Your thumb print was the key, a key to anything in your heart. * You don't need to paint the sky a bright blue when the grey clouds are really there * Let it rain when it needs to, let it pour when it needs to * You could always buy fresh white towels to dry yourself off * And remember don't play with knives they break peoples hearts * Don't dance with stars in your eyes it will blind you *

Ladies Is Pimps too! 

Random

Im tired but I can't sleep. Ive been working all weekend...nothing to great happened. Pretty mellow. I got a call from Joey again tonight. I am seriously thinking about going out west to visit that boy.

My friend Amanda is in the Maritimes to visit. I've been trying to get a hold of her. Cross your fingers that I get to see her before see leaves. She's been leaving random messages on my msn, but Ive never been on whens shes on. She apparently doesn't have my number, nor do I have hers. We need to get this party started.

Tomorows my day off, but its suppose to rain!I hate rain. My tan is starting to fade, I need sun to work on this glow. lol I believe I will end up sleeping all day and maybe go see " Must love dogs" that night. What a life I lead.

Happy New Brunswick Day!:0)

just a thought

I say one thing to person # 1 and then the opposite to person # 2. I need to start supporting my own opinions and feelings. And I need to learn when to stop being so loud with them too.

he's not thinking about me. Ha

He's checking up on me. I've been unblocked. He appears on my list momentarily and then blocks me again. What a game. I don't know his reasoning behind it, weither he wants me to read his names about his new girlfriend. Or it could be that he's just letting me know that hes not thinking about me. Maybe hes looking at my new picture. Whatever it is doesn't matter.Because its just another one of his scams.

Hes moved on, and I lay here cursed

What if we could wash it all away.Flood out the reasons we stopped believing now I feel like its raining in my mind. And when its really raining outside its almost a relief. Maybe it cancels out my own rain.It sobers me. But it doesn't make sense, the rain makes me think, but for once, thinking feels normal. Normal is the only word I can think of to describe what I am feeling. I just want to yell "Let me wash it all away" at the top of my lungs. I wouldn't mind if the wind would blew in my direction. Give me some hope, some peace of mind. But at the moment I am relaxed. I am calm. My cat and I watch out the window, the rain drops are collapsing to the ground. The sound is mesmerizing. My cat's so engaged, I wonder what he sees. This is something we do, its sort of a pleasure. I love the rain.


I had a dream he died, I don't know how, I don't know when.
But it broke my heart all over again.
I was sobbing, crying, aching.
I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't make sense of anything.

Ive been dreaming about him lately. It makes me feel weak. Its like Im losing control over my mind, I don't go to bed thinking about him. But I wake up in the morning in a cold fever, almost a chill from seeing his face. I lay in bed for minutes trying to regain myself, wondering if it was real. Was he back in my life. But I realize its a dream, a really mixed up, messed up dream, I can't sigh in relief. It makes for a bad day. How can I wake up to his face, his touch and not think about him.Im angry at myself for dreaming about him, for letting my mind think about him. Even if it is self consciously. I just hate being weak.

It was so Hard to sum up M and I's relationship in a hand full of pages, but I re read my journal and it took me back to the passion. The good times were a dream, a marvelous dream. I can still remember all the wonderful times, every piece of it. I try to forget the bad times. I can't hate him and I don't want to associate just bad things with him. When I shut my eyes right now I can remember when we broke up, I lied in my bed in the same sheets we slept in together. I held that tattered green phone staring at my wall.My purple wall. I picked at the dents in the wall, just waiting for it to come crashing down on me. I can't move on from that day. I literally pulled out my hair, my stomach didn't want to be fed and my body was completely exhausted. I woke up crying and fell asleep crying. I was broken. I was lost. And I still feel like I am wandering through dark woods with a blind fold on. Im stuck, But could I move on? Eventually. Could I take another chance. Could I bare all the emotions again? I just need to move my life, forget all my baggage and build a life to be proud of.

Kenneth.lol

Joey called my yesterday!Yay! I miss him. I left like 4 drunken messages on his phone from saturday.Haha.I passed around my cell to everyone and made them say hello.He said he got a kick out of the 30 minute long messages, made him feel like he was back home..awww!

Fatty Pants

I am such a late-night snacker.Ask me what I have eaten.?Well since you asked I ate a tomato and cucumber sandwich at 9. A hand full of candies at 10. A bowl of nacho cheese chips at 12 and to top it all off strawberry shortcake at 12:30. Omg Amanda calm down. What did I eat all day? a bag a chips and kraft dinner. My eating habits suck when Im working. I try to eat breakfast but there are many days I rather sleep a few minutes longer than eat a bowl of cereal. I need to get in habit of making my lunch the night before. I need to just start eating regular meals ...meh.

I survived my first day back. I only had 15 rooms to clean today. Not bad. Seen one man in his tighty whities, no shock value there...Ive seen it all. I left 4 cooler in the fridge in room 103. The women who checked in that room came out, she seemed sort of mad. Guez everyone makes mistakes...Yummy..free aclohol. Pretty much my only perk from working there. A discount on the rooms would be Fantastic but too bad they never give it to you. I decided to take my business else where, when we go to Halifax were staying in the Howard Johnson.

Out of control is a state of mind, don't blame yourself.

Just when you begin to fear the direction your life is taking,

all the dead ends and the one-way streets lead you to the place you've been searching for in your heart.

Life takes the wheel and drives us where it needs to.

And most of the time we disagree with the direction.

We stare at the map and can't figure out how we will ever arrive at the destination we want.

But we do.

Eventually.

Its all too much to understand.

Too much to believe.

I wrote this 2 years ago..Kind of random just found it in my journal.

She stands all alone. 

the secret to a happy life is a sense of carefree winds to blow away the over thought out details

Life isn't going to wait for you and it sure as hell isn't going to stop for you.


I worry about what to wear and where my life will go, but tomorrow I could have nothing. Its a scary thought but an honest one at that. Monday was the beginning of my vacation and I've blinked through the week. Its been crazy, but a good crazy. I haven't worried about what to wear or what to do, or even about my job. Ive been swimming, tanning and relaxing. Ive eaten out 5 times (big spot, Heinz twice, homestead and moosers.)Even played pool with my sister and laughed at how bad we were. We went to magic mountian with no worries, no covering our flaws and feeling to old to go on the slides.I even went to the Zoo, it stunk and most of the animals were asleep. One of the birds laughed at us.And we seen the peacock in all its glory with the feathers stand up and beautiful. I seen wedding crashers and went on a mini afternoon road trip to the middle of nowheres.And then I end the week off with a bang at the 02. Grabbing random boys butts, dancing on the stage and seeing all my old friends. Im happy, Im content. And this vacation had really been long over due and perfect in all its small marvelous ways. And if only I could take the rest of my life by the seat of my pants, I think I might be different.

You Lose.

She was desperate to pull herself back ontop.
She'd lay in bed and remember when they'd holler her name.
But now instead of a glistening firm body laying next to her, there resting limp was the face of her heartache.
She didn't chose him, he begged for her. He showered her with gifts and lingered behind her last steps
Every man she had been with controlled her.Used her as he needed and pushed her away when he was done.
She stared in the mirror for days trying to see past the dried black streaks on her cheeks and the knotted hair.
She couldn't bare to be the victim anymore.
If u looked inside her heart you would see broken glass ; thousands of pieces. No one could possibly put her heart back together.
The day she met Paul she knew he needed her more then she would ever need him.
And she liked that feeling, she felt so much strength.
The chase gave her hope in herself.
But she never stopped to think about Paul.
She knew she didn't love him, the love she had was from the attention, the hunger he was filling in her soul.
She missed all the signs. She used him like every guy had used her.
She hollered at him and broke him down.
But he couldn't let go. He placed her on the highest pedestal.
When she had regained her power she brushed him under the mat.
She dusted him off her shoulder and walked away.
She left him crumpled, she broke him in spite of every guy that had broken her.
But paul wasn't strong enough. He couldn't see past his own faults, he couldn't move on.
He let go, left his life in her hands and end his life.
She lies in bed with her fingers wrapped around his life.
She knows there's nothing left.
Why did she have to play this game.
She lost and so did he.

soo tired.

Im sitting here drinking a red bull praying it will give me energy through this day. I drove by work last night and it was packed with drunk teenagers. The worst senario. And they always tend to under staff us, calling off someone that doesn't need to be. I know to look forward to 16 rooms, all check outs. On a regular day I could clean a room in about 15 mins. Today it will most likely take 45- to a hour per room. And its so hot in the hotel. Yuck . I hate that sticky feeling. I am sure I will have a few horror stories to bring home. I always do. My vacation starts tomorrow, hopefully I can make it.

Last night my friend wanted to me to go to 02. I didnt go. Im so tired. Week just drains me and I of course had to work Sunday. I use to be a semi regular at the clubs, now I don't even dream about it. But next weekend. I'll be there.

Book of the week.

What a page turner. Very Thrilling. I'm loving this book!

Save you energy is what he said.
Because the words you blow only create hot air.
And hot air rises, rises past anyones head just straight to the ceiling.
Dry your tears is what he said next.
because once all your tears are shed your left with dry eyes and a red stuffy nose.
Crying doesn't heal anything and doesn't solve your problems.
It creates more problems because people will look at you and think you are a baby.
Confrontation makes me angry,was the last thing he said.
No one has the time to sit on a red flowered couch and discuss their problems.
Most of the time it is your fault that the world is against you.
My advice He said slowly cracking out of the chair.
Let life move with you not around you.You can not control anything that you can not hold in your hand.
So when tears burn your eyes, like them evaporate and move on.

another stunning day in the life of aq.

And God said let there be sun. And the bright yellow sun appeared have was having my routine bad day at work and I looked out the window and for the first time in days the sun was shining!I actually wore a skirt today. A white one at that, now that screams summer. Cat and I went shopping in Trinity. We decided to take a try at Winners. I never had any luck, but today the sun was shining on me I found to awesome shirt. We then headed over to The Bulk barn to stock up on some goodies. I have the ultimate sweet tooth!!! Runts and frogs were my drug of chose today. Homestead was calling my name. So we ordered a clubhouse w/ home fries and chocolate cake with boiled icing. Yummmy. I of course had to buy an large coleslaw. (sp?)

Now I am home and have called 15 hotels in Halifax and Dartmouth. We are trying to find a half decent hotel thats not gonna cost an arm and a leg.

shopping is love

Shopping today!
I bought...

Purple sheets
2 pairs of cute boxer shorts
a pair of capri pj's( there green with flowers)
a multi-colored top
a few cans of red bull
ceral - multigran cherios
2 nail polishes - a light minty green and a tangerine.
Conditonar
A book -"massive" by Julia Bell
a journal
A book on drawing ' The Fundamentals of Drawing Portaits" By Barrington Barber


I love to shop....this trip was actual toned down. I usually buy all clothes and spend about 200 dollars a pay!Ekkks..lol

Shes a butterfly showing off her colorful wings

I can pay my bills online, calulate my spending money.

I walk to work every morning and drag my heavy legs home after the sun is high and hot in the sky.

I danced the night away with friends, tugging on my jeans skirt and wiping the hair off my face.

I caught a few boys looking my way, they gazed at me but never spoke a word.

I even dreamt about a new guy, he stood in shinny armor and kissed my hand.He was built with chivalry.

I bought a bag full of clothes with no one in mind to wear them for but myself.

I can lay in bed cradled in my blanket and not shed a tear.

Its a dream far away that I cry.

Its a wish that my independence is laboring for.

If you look at me. You'll see the wall has crumbled.

And I stand in the dust around my feet, the concrete cant hold me down anymore.

My day consisted of........

Meeting @ work @ 9 am
Slept from 11 until 3 pm
Made supper- Hambuger help, pasta salad and brownies. Now thats a meal!
Went for a drive and ice cream with Joanne
Watched "the jacket" with my sisters.

What a day off..

pipes

Loook at those Pipes!!!!

the sand looked like cinnamon

I survived the family reunion, it was actually quite fun, after we all got over the shy part. I spent the better part of the day on the beach with my sisters and younger cousins. We built a huge sand castle, but it turned out to be a sand village or something. It was pretty cool, really detailed. I tried to stay away from the adults, seeing that I was the only one without a boyfriend I felt pretty lame. My younger sister brought her boyfriend and even my cousin who is gay had her girlfriend lol. It was a pretty basic reunion.
1. Lots of drinking
2. Tons of food.
3. Roasting marshmallows, sitting by the fire.
4. Walking on the beach
5. Alot of chatting

I love and hate the beach! I love the sound of the waves and the cool air.I love them smell and I love the feeling of the warm sand between my toes. The beach always relaxes me, sets me in sort of a trance. I usually get inspired by the ocean, if I wasn't running around with the little kids so much I would of loved to sit on the rocks and write. But I hate the ocean because of the all the rocks on the bottom and jelly fish. I hate getting sand in my hair and in my finger nails.Yuck!I hate having to rinse off all the sand stuck to your feet and legs.

I woke up this morning and my butt just ached. How out of shape am I? Actually I think it means I am getting old. My only explanation is that i sat on my knees for like 2 hours building that sand castle and it must of strained my butt muscles. I'm dieing here...seriously I can't bend over or sit down comfortably. Poor Amanda
"Are you prepared to take a dive into the deep end of my head"
Jason Mraz "Wordplay"

Three Sisters on the beach. Now thats Hot!

another lonely summer night.

As soon as we stepped off the plane from Cuba I bought a bottle of McCains pink lemonade. It quenched my thirst and it quenched my need for something familiar, a taste of home.Sometime, when I go out and I am amongst a crowd of people I need to feel something familiar, or else I get lost. And instead of clutching to the arm of my boyfriend, I play with my watch or twirl my hair.

tomorrow is my family reunion, on my Dads side. Its a relatively big family. I actually never had a boyfriend attend a big family function like this and it sort of disappoints me. Well it really disappoints me, that what boyfriends are for.They are suppose to keep you company at boring events and to show off to all your friends and family. And at this time I am boyfriend-less, so I must fly solo. I am sure if I sink a few coolers it wont be too bad. But I always feel a little left out. We don't get to see this side of the family as often, so I don't feel as close to them or comfortable. Actually our family are the ugly ducklings in the big Quesnel family. Were always the last invited, and we always seem left on our own. So it is easy to feel lost in this crowd. Its horrible that its your own family. So imagine how it feels to feel lost in a huge crowd.

I went down town with my sister and parents to see the car show tonight.The streets were packed, and were were bumping and squeezing thru the herds of people. I of course see many people I know, all in this case are hanging onto there boyfriends or girlfriends arms. I say a brief hello and watch there faces as the scan either side of me, looking for my straggling boyfriend. Hes not there. I feel lonely. I can handle sleeping alone at night and filling my arms with shopping bags alone in the mall. I enjoy being single in the clubs. But when I am going to an event, I hate facing the crowds alone. I often feel less of a person because I don't have a partner to cradle his arm around my back and whisper in my ear. Or even worse, I feel people pity me for being alone.


I live the illusion of a happy life.

I strained the mush of thoughts in my head.

I couldn't bribe you with all un-interrupted hockey games and free Mcdonalds meals.
You were ready to fly from from my cluttered bird cage.
Dirty with waste and you didn't want to help me clean.
I wasn't expecting you to organize my life, I just thought we could be a pair.

***********************************

"Sometime we fill our minds with all the stupid stuff so that we don't think about what really matters." My So Called Life

***********************************
I now believe that I have no clue as to how male minds work. I have the worst judgment. I grade most guys with flying colors and then when I get my chance with reality they fail.

**Its an object to which I choose to obtain. And why do I feel the need, its unknown. Because once I hold the object its value decreases in my eyes~!

Green

Busy shopping store. Red winter Vest.
We met in a casual fashion. I doubted any seed could be planted from him.
Rented Movies, Ketchup chips.
Our night turned into regular routines took seconds to build a foundation.
Sliver car. Pumping speaker.
Our worlds meshed and collided. It was two in the equation now.
Deep fried potatoes. Mint tooth paste.
He became concreted to my heart.Enchanted my soul.
Computer games.Wrinkled movie stub.
At times we feed off each other.And other times we just devoured each other.
Red bitten nails. Dirty green sheets.
It was comical the likeness we shared. The details of our personalities that were mirrored.
Striped kitty cat. Greasy fast food.
Life became so routine.But my soul was altered was branded on my heart.
Cracked tiles.Stained white tshirt.
Just as fast as our loved flowed, it quickly began to evaporate.
City lights. Cleaning detergent.
Its not that our love was lost, but hidden, because things were changing around us.And we couldn't hold each together.
Green cordless phone. Dirty Kleenex.
When it ended, it never truly ended. There always something there.And probably always will be.

How many brunettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The camera flashes
One moment gone.
One staged position
One cracked smile
One eye slightly slit
The other eye wide and glissening
Imperfections caught on paper.
Nervous stare or wacky smile.
Forever etched on the paper.
Your present never altered.
Your past in the past..not present on the paper.
Your brown eyes turned red.
One moment gone
The camera flashes


miss q

sally sleeps soundlessly in her sliver satin sheets.

Cat and I are planning an adventure to Halifax. It will be soo different to sleep in a hotel room, rather than cleaning them. I know I will have to leave a tip, it what we housekeepers do. I love Halifax. I love the atmosphere. I love the people and I love the places. Ive always had happy times there so I am so looking forward to this. I need to get out of moncton, even if it is just for 3 days.
I have been working so much, its crazy. Im too tired to do anything! I work, come home, nap and then watch some tv and then go to bed, to awake to another working day! Argh! What a life. I did do some shopping this week so that of course gave me some Hope!

Too tired to talk anymore.

Me on main street

Alll work and no play makes Amanda mad as Hell!

it was always written in the stars...

Your just a mystery unsolved.
A dream yet to be dreamed
But a dream too over dreamed by me.

My thoughts may be bad, but I couldn't hurt a fly.

I could paint your windows black and shut out all your sunshine.

I could dance with tassels around my waist and my long hair waving in my face.

I could dye all your clothes pink and shrink your underwear so it would pinch your legs.

I could take picture of you in the bathroom, losing all your privacy.

I could eat your favorite cookies and pour your beer down the sink.

I could take a hammer and smash your possessions, hitting close to heart.

But your not worth the fight anymore, you not worth the yell.

And when you look at me you won't deny my maturity.

Around me, my decency will be a shining like armor.

Fire works

Im tired and my brain hurts. And tonight on this rainy Canada Day I will hibernate in my room. I worked all day, blah, but we get paid double time and a half. The Fire works were half decent tonight... alittle cloudy and wet, but still magical! My cousin and aunt and Uncle came up so we had a little gathering on my porch.

Me and terri!!!

Pictures in Terri's room before the Rodeo!