When I hear about how much better he's doing without me it breaks me down. Maybe I could be happy for him if there wasn't this rift between us. If we could speak to each other and our hard feelings would soften. But how can I forgive him for the hurts hes caused me when hes still causing me pain. He told Justin that I called him last month. Justin is sort of a mutual friend, but more my friend, Ive known justin all my life, and he worked with justin for a few month. Justin doesn't care much for M (MY EX) that much, but because of work they speak every so often. I usually dread having one of one convos with Justin because he always has something to tell me about M.


But Im shocked that M would lie. I haven't spoke to M in over 6 months. Ive made little to no contact with him. The times time I tried to contact him was once in a txt message and Ive already confessed to that moment of weakness. And the second was when I sent him an email. Well actually it was even an email it was like one of those picture jokes. I thought it was funny.

I want to be happy for him, but he wont let me. He either likes to make me look bad, or hes telling justin I called him, so that justin will tell me. I really have no clue whats goes thru his head. But I never did anything to him, I have been more than a friend, and he seems to hate me.
I am almost jaded a few tears crept out of my eyes, but I cant cry anymore. Im going crazy. My life is a shame. I have nothing to be proud of, nothing to look forward to. Ive been in the same position since M left. I am embarrassed. To see him happy sucks, but its worse that everything has changed for him, everything is wonderful for him and Im stuck in the same spot.
I feel like a failure at everything. Unable to live out the smallest part of my dreams. Some days I feel like I am dyeing, theres nothing left of me. Just sad words floating out of my mouth. Im habouring all this pain, embarrassment and regret. Im scared.

Everytime I talk to Justin he upsets me. God love him he's a great guy, but he always brings up M. He throws it all back in my face, in my world. He makes me face reality and rains on my dreams. He tells me that M's happy without me, hes a changed man. The two are living together and thinking about marriage. Its just hard to hear, and its even harder to face. To see him gone, I should be happy, to see him moved on, should make me happier. But it really just makes me examine my life and makes me feel soo low..



anyways enough saddness and complaing. Im just having a bad day. I better get to work I am going to be late. Id rather call in sick, but I'll manage.