August 28, 2005 an entry from my journal.
I just realized that August 26 past, on friday. It was his 22nd birthday. Watching t.v. I heard a movie coming to theatres on august 26 and I sat up and froze, hes still there wrapped around my heart, it hurts. Im thinking about him now., wondering what hes doing. What did he girlfriend get for his birthday? Is he watching the MTV awards ,is he bouncing to 50 cent like I am? Are we having a moment, invisible, but there? Were still connected, its out of our control. Im haunted. Im stuck living this life, and no one wants to share it with me. No one want to sacrifice themselves to try to save me. But I don't blame them. No good could come from it. Why am I so negative? I don't believe in myself anymore. It needs to change. I need to move on, move higher up.
A few days ago while I wrote this, I was upset. But I don't feel like this everyday. It comes and goes. And I guess thats how life works. You can not control what you think or feel. I can't control the tears or the pain. I have sort of accepted this, and I just play it by ear. I move when it is time to move, and cry when I feel I need to. And when its done, Im back to normal. Time heals all wounds.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
IM BACK!
My internet was missing for 5 days, and I have been going insane. Whats a life with out the internet.lol I am working my 8th day straight tomorrow and I am just exhausted, my bones are cracking and my muscles tight and sore. You'll find me stomping up the hall swearing under my breath. This year has really made me see that I can not work like this for the rest of my life. I need to get more education, a better job, more money.
I have finished reading the drivers manual. Don't laugh at me. At age 21 I do not even have my beginners. But Im finally working at that. I have been studying and pretty soon I believe I will be ready to take the test. Im just soo bad with cars and driving. Actually I HAVE NEVER driven before. NEVER. I m soo scared.
I had about 55 emails mostly junk mail, and my friends have actually been texting me on my cell asking me if I am still alive. Plus I missed my blog. I have become so addicted to writing in my blog and all the people who comment. I love it.
My campuskiss.com email had a bout 25 messages. I don't actually talk to many people on this site, or got there very often. I guess I just use it of a forum of flattery. Some of the lines these guys use are hilarious , it either makes me laugh, or gasp, or just shake my head. But atleast it causes some sort of emotion. Here are a few of my lasted favorites.
I have finished reading the drivers manual. Don't laugh at me. At age 21 I do not even have my beginners. But Im finally working at that. I have been studying and pretty soon I believe I will be ready to take the test. Im just soo bad with cars and driving. Actually I HAVE NEVER driven before. NEVER. I m soo scared.
I had about 55 emails mostly junk mail, and my friends have actually been texting me on my cell asking me if I am still alive. Plus I missed my blog. I have become so addicted to writing in my blog and all the people who comment. I love it.
My campuskiss.com email had a bout 25 messages. I don't actually talk to many people on this site, or got there very often. I guess I just use it of a forum of flattery. Some of the lines these guys use are hilarious , it either makes me laugh, or gasp, or just shake my head. But atleast it causes some sort of emotion. Here are a few of my lasted favorites.
Hi i am chris i have to say u stole my heart and breath ur defiantly breath taking and i feel that u would make some guys dreams come true anyways add me to msn ok
your the most beautiful women I have ever seen
Doorman
hey cutie..whats up?...just passing by, checked your profile and pics...u seem nice.. your soo pretty and seem smart. Your really tanned. Thats hot. You must work out you have a nice body.msg me back if ya wanna !! see ya!!
If I lived where you lived. I would fuck your brains out. You soo fine. And those tits are huge.
GIjoe32
hello beautiful lady how are you? wow how can you be so super hot.Fuck me now.
Anyways enough with the messages lol. They always brighten my day hahaha.. Knowing that to these guys I am just a body, makes me feel great!:0)
Friday, August 26, 2005
meeeeh!
I dont have to much to say today.Feeling just alittle mellow and over tired. I think I lost myself in Halifax.So bare with me.
Brown Penny
William Butler Yeats
I whispered, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.
Brown Penny
William Butler Yeats
I whispered, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Halifax- where drunk people go to met drunk people.
What a Getaway!:0) Two words anyone loves to hear... FREE UPGRADE! We were pleasantly surprised to find out we had an upgrade in my hotel room. Room 601 Home Office. It was like a mini apartment with a HUGE balcony. A living with a couch, a chair, a desk a table and TV. And we had a kitchenette,with included utensil's, plates mugs, glasses. Anything we needed. A fridge, microwave. And of course the bathroom. I was so impressed with the room.
We met up with Chris a friend of mine pretty much as soon after we checked in the hotel. I met Chris through my ex boyfriend, they are pretty good friends. And now me and chris are great friends. Chris brought his friend Andrew, who is hilarious. These guys were great they took us on a tour of Halifax and Andrew was being the tour guide pointing out everything. We then went back to our hotel and drank. We had an Ice cube attack. I was winning, until the two guys ganged up on me. So not fair lol!! We ended up drinking all night and headed down to the bar in the hotel and met some new friend. They were all old men. But they were soo cute and nice. Well most of them were. With the exception of one creepy man.
Im not gonna ramble on with long details. But we did get lost about 50 MILLION times. Every second street is a one way street, or you can't turn lefted. It was soo confusing. We shopped alittle but they basically have the same stores as us. We had AWESOME food. Tgi fridays, Ryan Duffys, My fathers mustache. We met a Cop in the Liquor store who graduated at the same school as us, he talked our ear off for like 15 mins. We are now pros at the Ferry. I 'd call my self the Ferry Queen. We rode the Ferry about 10 times. Its was pretty relaxing tho. Remind me next time that 8 brunt cds are not enough. We must of listened to them all about 10 times each, we need a bigger variety.
I know Im forgetting alot, but Im tired...And I work tomorow morning!!Bummer.
We met up with Chris a friend of mine pretty much as soon after we checked in the hotel. I met Chris through my ex boyfriend, they are pretty good friends. And now me and chris are great friends. Chris brought his friend Andrew, who is hilarious. These guys were great they took us on a tour of Halifax and Andrew was being the tour guide pointing out everything. We then went back to our hotel and drank. We had an Ice cube attack. I was winning, until the two guys ganged up on me. So not fair lol!! We ended up drinking all night and headed down to the bar in the hotel and met some new friend. They were all old men. But they were soo cute and nice. Well most of them were. With the exception of one creepy man.
Im not gonna ramble on with long details. But we did get lost about 50 MILLION times. Every second street is a one way street, or you can't turn lefted. It was soo confusing. We shopped alittle but they basically have the same stores as us. We had AWESOME food. Tgi fridays, Ryan Duffys, My fathers mustache. We met a Cop in the Liquor store who graduated at the same school as us, he talked our ear off for like 15 mins. We are now pros at the Ferry. I 'd call my self the Ferry Queen. We rode the Ferry about 10 times. Its was pretty relaxing tho. Remind me next time that 8 brunt cds are not enough. We must of listened to them all about 10 times each, we need a bigger variety.
I know Im forgetting alot, but Im tired...And I work tomorow morning!!Bummer.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
the sun set apon his face
He layed beneath the cherry trees.Surrounded by the colorful flowers, more flowers than you could ever imagine.
And he hummed to him self, he hummed to the souls around him.
He hummed a tune so sweet, his lips puckered as he parted the air through.
Above him the sky was still endless, the clouds sparse and free.
The sun way always shining even when he closed his eyes.
He had no fear to open his eyes.
Every touch was soft, every smell was sweet.
A hush had fallen over his whole body encasing him with a warm sense of home.
His mind lacked all the clutter and the doubts.
But consumed all the scenery, the details petals painted with soft water color.
The trees bark was coarse and dense,the tree limbs look like they would never end, bursting forth into the sky.
All shallow and negative thoughts were buried in the dirt.
All shallow and negative thoughts were buried in the dirt.
He looked around seeing familiar faces of the days behind him.
A rush of anxiety prickled through him.
He was standing in a field of dreams.
A pasture of endless summer.
He looked at the sky, it was bounteous with opportunities.
He laid back down beneath the cherry tree.
He could lay there all day.
soo angry. the world is messed up sometimes.
A man who has killed 10 people and gotton away with it for almost 30 years is gonna rot in prison. Sure, Im glad hes caught. And sure Im glad hes going to prison. But he doesn't deserve to live. He should be put to death. My dad made a good point last night. There a homeless people freezing and starving on the streets, but we chose to feed and shelter murders. All our tax money pays for scumbags to live a relativly healthily life in prison. There only down fall is most will never get out. They have 3 meals a day, a bed, tv's to watch, gym equipment to exercise on and they don't pay for nothing. Sounds like a better deal than mine. I can't even afford to buy a gym membership and no ones here preparing my food, plus I gotta pay for all of it.
The BTK killer wanted to be a famous serial killer. What a sick person.I wonder if one day when he was a young boy he decided that."Hmmmm. when I grow up I want to be a famous serial killer." Thats completely sick. This man even left letters to the press and made phone calls to the police telling them where they would find his next victim. He killed 10 innocent people. And for what reason?None at all. Im not going to say that murder is ever ok, but if you gonna do it atleast have a reason. Revenge might be one. I cant even think of anymore examples to kill someone. But to kill people for the pure pleasure of it, just makes me feel like this man doesn't deserve the breath hes breathing.
Think of all the victims, then double that about 10 times, becasue its not just the victims that are affected its the family and friends.That could end up being hundreds of people. And why they are suffering and trying to put there lives back together this man is pretending to live a normal life, pretending like he hasn't killed people. He has more chances than any of his victims even did.
I know the death penalty is controversial becasue theres always a chance of killing an innocent person. But I sure the btk killer admitted to the crimes. Why shouldn't be put to death. We know hes guilty! He wanted to play God and he took 10 peoples lives away, he doesn't deserve his own.
The BTK killer wanted to be a famous serial killer. What a sick person.I wonder if one day when he was a young boy he decided that."Hmmmm. when I grow up I want to be a famous serial killer." Thats completely sick. This man even left letters to the press and made phone calls to the police telling them where they would find his next victim. He killed 10 innocent people. And for what reason?None at all. Im not going to say that murder is ever ok, but if you gonna do it atleast have a reason. Revenge might be one. I cant even think of anymore examples to kill someone. But to kill people for the pure pleasure of it, just makes me feel like this man doesn't deserve the breath hes breathing.
Think of all the victims, then double that about 10 times, becasue its not just the victims that are affected its the family and friends.That could end up being hundreds of people. And why they are suffering and trying to put there lives back together this man is pretending to live a normal life, pretending like he hasn't killed people. He has more chances than any of his victims even did.
I know the death penalty is controversial becasue theres always a chance of killing an innocent person. But I sure the btk killer admitted to the crimes. Why shouldn't be put to death. We know hes guilty! He wanted to play God and he took 10 peoples lives away, he doesn't deserve his own.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
argh.
Ive got a major headache, all weeks been a giant headache actually. Ive been working all week, and theres been so many problems there and annoying people that I come home and go straight to bed. I haven't been in the mood to do much. On friday Cat and I did some shopping and went out for supper.But tonight Im just not in the mood to do anything, Im slumming lol. I semi packed for Halifax, its not a far trip but I can't wait because it gets me away from everything for atleast three days.
Friday, August 19, 2005
why don't we get along?
Gillian strolled in my room last night in a drunken state and crashed on my bed. I looked at the clock and it read 2:34 am. She looked at me and threw her head back, she proceeded to talk, asking me why " we weren't close, why couldn't we have a great sisterly bond."
Well I can't answer that. Its like its cosmically impossible. Its all the excuses we use agaisnt each other stacked up into a wall that divides us. I don't have a problem getting along with my other two sisters. But then again I feel like we share alot ofthe same things (the same sense of humour, simalar style and tastes.)
Gillian and I are complete opposites. Sometimes its an epic battle to get along with her. All I can pin point is I annoy her and she annoys me. Don't get me wrong we have some good times. But no matter what we always fight, weither it be petty or large arguments.It stems back to when we were kids, the things she did to me, she tormented me. I hurt her, I rejected her.
We push each others buttons, we scratch each others skin ontil its irrated. Its a habit we cannot break and its a wall we can not demolish.
I think the answer is deep in our souls.The reasons and explainations are all hidden. Its a like a code that needs to be unlocked.
Well I can't answer that. Its like its cosmically impossible. Its all the excuses we use agaisnt each other stacked up into a wall that divides us. I don't have a problem getting along with my other two sisters. But then again I feel like we share alot ofthe same things (the same sense of humour, simalar style and tastes.)
Gillian and I are complete opposites. Sometimes its an epic battle to get along with her. All I can pin point is I annoy her and she annoys me. Don't get me wrong we have some good times. But no matter what we always fight, weither it be petty or large arguments.It stems back to when we were kids, the things she did to me, she tormented me. I hurt her, I rejected her.
We push each others buttons, we scratch each others skin ontil its irrated. Its a habit we cannot break and its a wall we can not demolish.
I think the answer is deep in our souls.The reasons and explainations are all hidden. Its a like a code that needs to be unlocked.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Silly me
5 things I am scared of.
* sneezing and getting and aneurysm.
*the bathtub falling through the floor while im bathing.
* the ground cracking and us falling through.
* stepping on a razor
* a snake crawling out of the toilet.
* sneezing and getting and aneurysm.
*the bathtub falling through the floor while im bathing.
* the ground cracking and us falling through.
* stepping on a razor
* a snake crawling out of the toilet.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
it was all so simple when I was a child.
I can still smell the sweet scent of your skin.
I lick my lips with the dearest taste of your lingering kiss, despite the fact they have been untouched for weeks.
I see the clearest picture sketched, like a movie reeling its way through my mind.
I see the hairs prickle down your chest.
Your arms extended towards me.
Your smile highlighting the dark spaces in my head.
Your voice cracks with emotion, pure joy.
My last memories of you flutter randomly amougst my other thoughts.
I have this alluring sense of love hovering over me, like a misty breeze coating my body. Looking into your eyes I feel the storm coming on, the gentle winds stirring and clouds approaching.
I remember how your body cringed when I placed my hand near you.
And as I cover my head to hid the tears your turned away.
The slightest detail lays in the foreground of my impaired heart, consuming an alarming amount of area.
Perfection is indefinite, just a series of lucky events, but I keep covering any misdoings with false memories of perfection.
The harsh words from your mouth still couldn't cease my sense of your perfection.
I hope someday to gaze apon the real truth.
I lick my lips with the dearest taste of your lingering kiss, despite the fact they have been untouched for weeks.
I see the clearest picture sketched, like a movie reeling its way through my mind.
I see the hairs prickle down your chest.
Your arms extended towards me.
Your smile highlighting the dark spaces in my head.
Your voice cracks with emotion, pure joy.
My last memories of you flutter randomly amougst my other thoughts.
I have this alluring sense of love hovering over me, like a misty breeze coating my body. Looking into your eyes I feel the storm coming on, the gentle winds stirring and clouds approaching.
I remember how your body cringed when I placed my hand near you.
And as I cover my head to hid the tears your turned away.
The slightest detail lays in the foreground of my impaired heart, consuming an alarming amount of area.
Perfection is indefinite, just a series of lucky events, but I keep covering any misdoings with false memories of perfection.
The harsh words from your mouth still couldn't cease my sense of your perfection.
I hope someday to gaze apon the real truth.
just shit that haunts me.
It was warm out and the sun was slipping between the blinds in his living room.
We were cuddled up on his futon watching a movie; that seemed to be our nightly routine.
I can't even remember what movie it was or the clothing I was wearing, but I do remember the look on his face and the nervous shake in my voice. I dont think i practiced what i was going to say to him and I believe I surprised myself more when I heard the words.
I remember stumbling on my words and just half listening to his words. I keep staring at his face and feeling my cheeks rise. I couldn't stare at him without a smile.I couldn't lay next to him and keep my hands to myself. I knew there was a tinkle in my eye and I liked it.
I was laying in this comfort zone, i was comfy and I felt so safe. My brain might of been running slow but my heart was right on track. My heart felt every stare, every kiss and loving word.I knew I had to tell him, it was pounding in my chest. I looked at him and broke the silence stumbled on my words and tried to explain what i was feeling inside. But no words could justify the butterflies in my stomach.
I thought my attempted was horrible,my sentences were crumbling.I can't remember the exact words, i know i probably didn't make much sense, but in the end i said what i needed to say.The only 3 words that mattered.He look honored and shocked.I know the words stunned his thoughts. We were both silent and i buried my head into his shoulder,not because i regretted my words, but because maybe he wasn't feeling the same. I watched his eyes and I could tell he was trying to place his words carefully. He didn't want to sting me with the wrong words. He explained that he didn't want to say something he didn't mean and he cared for me alot.But had to be sure. I respected his view and I agreed.It didn't hurt, it was smart!
Days later we were laying in the guest bedroom at his parents house.He told me he had to tell me something but he was silent.We laid there in the dark, with the soft sounds of his voice. I could hear the small break across his face. And I urged him to speak up, deep inside I knew the exact words he was about to say.I am embarrassed to admit that tears welled up in my eyes as he pronouced he loved me. The words trickled off his tongue, bumpy but clear. He never felt so happy and content. I was someone he felt comfortable with and he loved me.That special night changed me forever, its locked deep in my heart.
I found this saved in my documents from like 2 years ago.
We were cuddled up on his futon watching a movie; that seemed to be our nightly routine.
I can't even remember what movie it was or the clothing I was wearing, but I do remember the look on his face and the nervous shake in my voice. I dont think i practiced what i was going to say to him and I believe I surprised myself more when I heard the words.
I remember stumbling on my words and just half listening to his words. I keep staring at his face and feeling my cheeks rise. I couldn't stare at him without a smile.I couldn't lay next to him and keep my hands to myself. I knew there was a tinkle in my eye and I liked it.
I was laying in this comfort zone, i was comfy and I felt so safe. My brain might of been running slow but my heart was right on track. My heart felt every stare, every kiss and loving word.I knew I had to tell him, it was pounding in my chest. I looked at him and broke the silence stumbled on my words and tried to explain what i was feeling inside. But no words could justify the butterflies in my stomach.
I thought my attempted was horrible,my sentences were crumbling.I can't remember the exact words, i know i probably didn't make much sense, but in the end i said what i needed to say.The only 3 words that mattered.He look honored and shocked.I know the words stunned his thoughts. We were both silent and i buried my head into his shoulder,not because i regretted my words, but because maybe he wasn't feeling the same. I watched his eyes and I could tell he was trying to place his words carefully. He didn't want to sting me with the wrong words. He explained that he didn't want to say something he didn't mean and he cared for me alot.But had to be sure. I respected his view and I agreed.It didn't hurt, it was smart!
Days later we were laying in the guest bedroom at his parents house.He told me he had to tell me something but he was silent.We laid there in the dark, with the soft sounds of his voice. I could hear the small break across his face. And I urged him to speak up, deep inside I knew the exact words he was about to say.I am embarrassed to admit that tears welled up in my eyes as he pronouced he loved me. The words trickled off his tongue, bumpy but clear. He never felt so happy and content. I was someone he felt comfortable with and he loved me.That special night changed me forever, its locked deep in my heart.
I found this saved in my documents from like 2 years ago.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Kitty Cat!
I almost forgot. My little sister Laura got a kitty today. We don't have a name picked out yet.
Here are the choses.
- Blush
- Classy
- Pearl
- Summer
- Keys
- Princess
- lola
what do you guys think?
I see London I see france..I see Amandas underpants.
LAST NIGHT.
Laura and I raced to the mall 40 mins before it was due to closed. It was a last minute decision. I needed some new panties, she wanted to drop off a resume. We had to walk. It only took us 10 minute and about 20 stares from creepy old man. But it didn't matter, we were on a mission. I love colorful panties. Just my luck, they were all colorful with cool designs. I had to think quick. There were so many to pick from! But I found 5 pairs. I was good to go. Laura and I decided to go see Deuce Bigelow after that. We ran to Sobeys and bought some treats yet again. Cost $6.79, for hers and mine together. What a deal. Of course I had to pay for everything. But what are big sisters for? What a hilarious movie. I had to cover my mouth at times, because I was laughing so loud. I don't know where people come up with there ideas. There were atleast 50 slang words for a penis. "She-stick" "Mangina" "Twat-sicle" Just thinking about the movie again has got me laughing. I would so go see it again! Even with the weird guy across the isle from us, staring at us with his jacket over his crotch and his hands hidden. Um Yuck! 2 thumbs up for the movie.
TONIGHT
I failed. I spent 124 dollars on clothes. I didn't even last a week without shopping. Im weak! I bought a green cord blazer,a few long sleeve shirts.A gorgeous purple sweater and a tank top.
I then treated my dad to supper. We got take out. BBQ chicken nachos. My fave. It cost 30 bucks. I getting close to broke and I got to Halifax in a week. Im gonna have to borrow some money!Big brothers on soon. Im gonna go prepare.:0)
Before you say anything, I do wear thongs. I have about 30 pairs. I wanted panties, or boy cut ones to wear to bed and to work. And if you have nothing nice to say about my panties..don't say anything at all.LOL
One hot night.
I waited in the window, I watched his jeep pull up. He couldn't remember which house I lived at. He park in front of the house across the street. I hesitated. Waited to see if hed drive away. I had butterflies.I tip toed out and jetted across the street. He was nervous, I could tell by his gestures.We talked with ease.He lived 2 blocks away. He lived in a grand house. A mansion. Ive told him his house was beautiful many times before. He always responded the same way every time. It wasn't his house. It was his parents. Its all different in his eyes., its not a mansion its a house. Hes not rich, his parents are. To me its all the same. His house is a maze, its dark.His parents are gone out.We are alone.I grab his hand, I need to be lead.He pats the wall, searching for the light switch. He then leads me to his bedroom. We breath harmoniously. He eyes me, his eyes light up. He smiles. I smile.His bed is big, its soft. He motions for me to come closer. I make the first move.Im in his arms.
Hes got the softest hair and skin to match!All this dancing around is just a fantasy. I can see both worlds and I wish they would collide. But if you can get the milk for free, why buy the cow? And I know that applies to me. Its not that I am infatuated with him, but Ive had a crush on him for a long time, hes framed in my mind as the ideal guy. I know hes not perfect, but he's etched in my mind as a dream. In reality he maybe completely different.
Right at this moment my needs are met, everything is in line. And my head silences. I feel more comfortable around him when we are alone., but every other situation it feel different. I dont feel uncomfortable when Im near him, I sure don't feel ashamed, it actually feels great to have a secret.
Hes so down to earth and modest. He makes me feel great. He talks to me like a friend and gets nervous. He was so excited tonight,very passionate , filled with so much energy. But back to the cow quote, in this case he was never going to buy the cow. So I think it was either take it or leave it. I think I took the chance that I was given, it wasn't going to be any different.And I know taking the chance or not taking it was going to give me the same equation. I won't stop dreaming, but I know when the dreams ends and when I do wake up it wont be in his arms. Its ok because its not meant to be. I can feel it. But I can still enjoy him in my own way.
All I can think about is his touch, it was soft but strong.He would grab me then caress me . The only problem, his only downfall was his kiss. I guess the kiss differs with the sitaution.His whole mouth covers mine.I can feel his teeth on my lips.His whole tongue licks the back of my mouth. Its like hes hungry, hes eating something. He slurps and pants. heavily. I should of told him. I should of said slow down. Relax. But I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, or ruin the moment.
Hes got the softest hair and skin to match!All this dancing around is just a fantasy. I can see both worlds and I wish they would collide. But if you can get the milk for free, why buy the cow? And I know that applies to me. Its not that I am infatuated with him, but Ive had a crush on him for a long time, hes framed in my mind as the ideal guy. I know hes not perfect, but he's etched in my mind as a dream. In reality he maybe completely different.
Right at this moment my needs are met, everything is in line. And my head silences. I feel more comfortable around him when we are alone., but every other situation it feel different. I dont feel uncomfortable when Im near him, I sure don't feel ashamed, it actually feels great to have a secret.
Hes so down to earth and modest. He makes me feel great. He talks to me like a friend and gets nervous. He was so excited tonight,very passionate , filled with so much energy. But back to the cow quote, in this case he was never going to buy the cow. So I think it was either take it or leave it. I think I took the chance that I was given, it wasn't going to be any different.And I know taking the chance or not taking it was going to give me the same equation. I won't stop dreaming, but I know when the dreams ends and when I do wake up it wont be in his arms. Its ok because its not meant to be. I can feel it. But I can still enjoy him in my own way.
All I can think about is his touch, it was soft but strong.He would grab me then caress me . The only problem, his only downfall was his kiss. I guess the kiss differs with the sitaution.His whole mouth covers mine.I can feel his teeth on my lips.His whole tongue licks the back of my mouth. Its like hes hungry, hes eating something. He slurps and pants. heavily. I should of told him. I should of said slow down. Relax. But I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, or ruin the moment.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Just a few of My favorite pictures
I love my boys
And my Boys love me haha. They aren't actually touching my boobs. lol
Me and lissa...getting pretty for the clubs.
Rachel and I @ the Hotel
Ladies Ladies!!
Me and the Cat before heading to the Bar.
Me Lissa and Joanne just fooling around.
The whole gang.
Lissa & I Chilling in the Jeep.
Nicky D & I
Me Lissa and Jessica Kareokee Night.
Last night, or should I say this morning I was awoken buy my cell phone ringing. I answer it and its my sister drunk, she telling me to come out side. I can't even concentrate on her words, I m soo tired. So I say no and hang up. I roll over and begin to drift back to sleep, but I hear something scratching the the screen on my window.
Ands then I hear "Hey, hey, Amanda, wake up. Its me garth.Come outside. Get up please." Argh after a few minute of yelling at his to leave.Im fully woken so I get up and through on a sweater. My hairs a mess, I have no bra and and super short shorts on. But I stumble up the stairs. I go outside and the three of them, my sister, Garth and nick are underneath my youngest sister Laura's window. They have woken her and her friend up and are chatting with them from outside. I crept up and scared. All three were drunk and wanted to go to the park and swing on the swings. OMG!! We talked for 10 minutes about random stuff. Garth wanted a kiss, he told me he loved me and Im soo mean to him. I was breaking his heart. He always plays this game when hes drunk. Its annoying. I was soo tired. I tell them Im cranky because they woke me up at 4 am and I gotta work in like 4 hours.
It only took me like an hour and a half to fall back alseep. Grrrrr. Boys lol.
Ands then I hear "Hey, hey, Amanda, wake up. Its me garth.Come outside. Get up please." Argh after a few minute of yelling at his to leave.Im fully woken so I get up and through on a sweater. My hairs a mess, I have no bra and and super short shorts on. But I stumble up the stairs. I go outside and the three of them, my sister, Garth and nick are underneath my youngest sister Laura's window. They have woken her and her friend up and are chatting with them from outside. I crept up and scared. All three were drunk and wanted to go to the park and swing on the swings. OMG!! We talked for 10 minutes about random stuff. Garth wanted a kiss, he told me he loved me and Im soo mean to him. I was breaking his heart. He always plays this game when hes drunk. Its annoying. I was soo tired. I tell them Im cranky because they woke me up at 4 am and I gotta work in like 4 hours.
It only took me like an hour and a half to fall back alseep. Grrrrr. Boys lol.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Its so humid out, the air feels sticky. Its putting me out of the mood to do anything.
I worked today,but I didn't take a lunch because I wanted to get out of there. Everyone was cranky, becasue two people called in sick. We were really short on people. We didn't have anyone in the lanudry room, meaning we had to fold our own towles and sheets. No tips today for me. Its ok tho, this cute little man left me 20 dollars yesterday. He was down from Ontario with his wife and they stayed for 6 days. Everytime I seen them they would talk to and tell me about there day. They were soo kind and sweet, they didn't even yell at me when i forgot to put cups and glasses back in there room.
I got home and my mom made me clean out my shoe closet. I never realized how my shoes, boots and sandels I have. I have too many. I must of gotton rid of atleast 4 pairs of boots. 6 pairs of shoes and 10 pairs of sandels. I don't wear them, so we are going to give them to Headstart.Headstart is great because they are a non profit orgainzation that gives away second hand stuff to people in need. Every 6 months I collect a garbag full of clothes to donate to them.
I was in the midst of cleaning my room, but I have a short attention span. And I get bored. Atleast I got the clothes off my floor and Im washing my sheets. Thats a good improvment.
Whats on tonights adgenda? BBQ chicken Nachos and a few movies. Top it off with Mint chocolate chip ice and reading. Im soo excting lol.
Just got home from a crazy time. We went to storms, which is a Kareokee bar. It was pretty dead, but there was about 15 us, so we livened it up. I wasn't planning on drinking. But chris keep buying me shots.One after another. I think we had 5 tequllia shots and two other shots that I cant remember. Im a little buzzed. But no drunk.Grrr. I only went out at 12, it was last minute. I hadn't been talking or hanging out with Lissa for a while. But she called me and said were coming to get you @12 be ready. And so I was. And it was worth it. I had a great time. Mike and chris got up and sang "Strawberry wine" It was Halirous!!!I loved it.
Chris was flirting with me all night. Were pretty good friends, so I laugehd it off. He just broke up with his g/f. But he was saying that he thinks Im goregous.And he'd love to be my boyfriend. I don't think he was joking. Which made me feel uncomfortable. Well it made me feel like i didn't know how to act. It caught me off guard.
I need to get to bed..more on this in the morning. well no I work in the am.YUCK
Chris was flirting with me all night. Were pretty good friends, so I laugehd it off. He just broke up with his g/f. But he was saying that he thinks Im goregous.And he'd love to be my boyfriend. I don't think he was joking. Which made me feel uncomfortable. Well it made me feel like i didn't know how to act. It caught me off guard.
I need to get to bed..more on this in the morning. well no I work in the am.YUCK
Friday, August 12, 2005
Bye bye shopping mall.
Spandex makes a skinny person look fat, imagine what it looks like on a fat person. Well I got that opportunity. Trust me I had an eye full, she looked like a walking house. Im so conscious about what I wear and what I look like, I guess some people just don't care. But all the power to you , if you like the way you look in spandex, then wear em everyday lol.
Im starting rehab. Rehab for shopaholics. withdrawal is a Bitch. I have been working for 7 years and over the years all that I have saved is $ 75.00. So I realized that if I want to move out or do anything for that matter I need to start saving money. And to start saving money I need to stop spending it.
Cat and I went to Old Navy yesterday. I bought nothing. Im pretty proud of myself. But Im itching for some new clothes. Its one of my favorite feelings. I seen a blue cardigan I wanted. A brown blazer, brown dress pants and a cute velvet purse. I want it all!
Every pay day I take the bus to the mall and shop, spending usually about 200 on clothes. I have two large dressers FULL of clothes. My closet, as seen in the picture is jam packed, the rod is actually bending lol.
I believe I have more clothes than all three of my sisters put together. Funny thing is I charge them money to borrow my clothes. Its like a clothing store. People will ask my sisters where they get there clothes and they respond with "My sisters closet" people actually think its a store.
I need some encouragement to help me stay clear of the shopping mall.
Joanne
Joanne's in Calgary for 8 days. Don't we look pretty...drunk..actually I was buzzed in this picture. Im such a cheap drunk.
Who will I go clubbing with now??:(
Who will I go clubbing with now??:(
Thursday, August 11, 2005
tell me what you want.what you really really want.
WANTED.
If you checked more than 5 of these give me a call. If you checked them all I'll meet you at the end of the isle wearing a beautiful white dress.Be ready to say I DO.!!!!lol
[ ] Doesn't mind if I pick my nose
[ ] Will warm up my feet.
[ ] Buy me candy everyday
[ ] Loves to get his picture taken and will take pictures of me.
[ ] Calls me in the middle of the night just to say I love you.
[ ] Loves to spoon
[ ] Will hold my hand in the shopping mall.
[ ] Farts
[ ] Likes pussy........cats lol
[ ] Laughs at my jokes..no matter what.
[ ] Will put nose drops in my nose.
[ ] Has alittle hair on his chest
[ ] Can do atleast 5 push ups
[ ] Can cook Kraft dinner
[ ] Won't tell me my breath smells like a rat crawled in it and died, even if it really does.
[ ] Won't be offended when I call him a dirtbag (in my lanuage its a sign of love)
[ ] Won't listen to me pee.
[ ] Flips his pillow to the cool side.
[ ] Knows how to take off my bra with one hand
[ ] Loves having sex 4 times a day
[ ] Does not carry around his ex girlfriends picture in his wallet.
[ ] Is willing to clean up after me.
[ ] Will warm up my feet.
[ ] Buy me candy everyday
[ ] Loves to get his picture taken and will take pictures of me.
[ ] Calls me in the middle of the night just to say I love you.
[ ] Loves to spoon
[ ] Will hold my hand in the shopping mall.
[ ] Farts
[ ] Likes pussy........cats lol
[ ] Laughs at my jokes..no matter what.
[ ] Will put nose drops in my nose.
[ ] Has alittle hair on his chest
[ ] Can do atleast 5 push ups
[ ] Can cook Kraft dinner
[ ] Won't tell me my breath smells like a rat crawled in it and died, even if it really does.
[ ] Won't be offended when I call him a dirtbag (in my lanuage its a sign of love)
[ ] Won't listen to me pee.
[ ] Flips his pillow to the cool side.
[ ] Knows how to take off my bra with one hand
[ ] Loves having sex 4 times a day
[ ] Does not carry around his ex girlfriends picture in his wallet.
[ ] Is willing to clean up after me.
[ ] Doesn't mind if I only shave my legs in the summer.
depressing me I know...lol
So the last post is really about a girl that died yesterday. I went to school with her, we were on the wrestling team together, I usually had to pratise with her because we were in the same weight category. I haven't really seen her since then, or even know her all that well anymore for that matter. But it doesn't make her death any less sad. I feel bad for her family and friends they are the ones who are suffering.
I got in a fight with my oldest sister. Gillian. But thats nothing new. [ I need to makes a side note first to help you understand. Sometimes just hearing my sisters voice annoys me.So sometimes I jump down her throat. We fight way to much.] So she walked in the door and asked if I knew the girl that died. I said "Yes. And I know she's dead." And I guess from my tone I sounded inconsiderate. But I didn't mean for it to sound that way. Im blunt, I always have been. I have talked about the death at least 10 times already that day, so when Gillian asked I was kind of nonchalant. She of course blow up at me saying that I only thought about myself. She told me I was self centered and couldn't empasise with anyone. I of course yelled back, not I'm sure what I said.I tried to explain to her that just because I don't cry when someone's dies that make me a bad person.I needed to defend myself, but it wasn't working. Anyways this went on for like 10 mins and my mom took my sisters side.
I do understand that my tone may of sounded like I didn't care. But I can be a little guarded with my feelings when people ask and I don't want to show. I do feel bad about what happened I just don't talk about it. My sisters will go on for hours talking about it and cry, And I will say that sucks. And write about it in my journal. But every thing I am saying is making me sound bad and making Gillian sound right. So I will shut up.
I got in a fight with my oldest sister. Gillian. But thats nothing new. [ I need to makes a side note first to help you understand. Sometimes just hearing my sisters voice annoys me.So sometimes I jump down her throat. We fight way to much.] So she walked in the door and asked if I knew the girl that died. I said "Yes. And I know she's dead." And I guess from my tone I sounded inconsiderate. But I didn't mean for it to sound that way. Im blunt, I always have been. I have talked about the death at least 10 times already that day, so when Gillian asked I was kind of nonchalant. She of course blow up at me saying that I only thought about myself. She told me I was self centered and couldn't empasise with anyone. I of course yelled back, not I'm sure what I said.I tried to explain to her that just because I don't cry when someone's dies that make me a bad person.I needed to defend myself, but it wasn't working. Anyways this went on for like 10 mins and my mom took my sisters side.
I do understand that my tone may of sounded like I didn't care. But I can be a little guarded with my feelings when people ask and I don't want to show. I do feel bad about what happened I just don't talk about it. My sisters will go on for hours talking about it and cry, And I will say that sucks. And write about it in my journal. But every thing I am saying is making me sound bad and making Gillian sound right. So I will shut up.
whats left?
Sometimes thinking of the "what if's" grounds us and reminds us what human life is really made up of. Life revolves around death and tragedy, most things aren't fair, but its the cycle of life. We live in such a materialistic , me-me kind of world that its a complete shock when anything is taken away from us. And if we never get them back it breaks us. Living with the knowledge that things could be worse makes us wiser. It prepares us for tragedies and mistakes that will happen.
People say live your life to the fullest because life is too short. But death isn't what we should fear, there are worse things happening in the world, then people dyeing. Once you are dead it doesn't matter how much you lived your life, because your dead. Its unfortunate events that happen while you are living that matter and will affect you. You could wake up one morning unable to walk, or be diagnosed with and incurable disease, and thats when it will matter how much you lived your life.
When you die you aren't sad or disappointed. And you do not regret things you haven't done.Laying in the hospital bed is when you will dissect your life and beat yourself up for not living it too the fullest.Or when your old, looking back on the sweet moments of your life and not having any regrets will be what matters the most.Its not living your life to the fullest its counting your blessings.Sure we could live adventurously and full of spirits, but we should keep in mind that nothing is granted to us. Things can be taken away in a split second. We could loss body parts, eye sight or materialistic things. And whats would we do? All we could do is count our blessings all over again. It usually takes losing something to fully understand how much we appreciated it. We need to grasp all the things we do have and be happy. Realizing what we have before its gone.
People say live your life to the fullest because life is too short. But death isn't what we should fear, there are worse things happening in the world, then people dyeing. Once you are dead it doesn't matter how much you lived your life, because your dead. Its unfortunate events that happen while you are living that matter and will affect you. You could wake up one morning unable to walk, or be diagnosed with and incurable disease, and thats when it will matter how much you lived your life.
When you die you aren't sad or disappointed. And you do not regret things you haven't done.Laying in the hospital bed is when you will dissect your life and beat yourself up for not living it too the fullest.Or when your old, looking back on the sweet moments of your life and not having any regrets will be what matters the most.Its not living your life to the fullest its counting your blessings.Sure we could live adventurously and full of spirits, but we should keep in mind that nothing is granted to us. Things can be taken away in a split second. We could loss body parts, eye sight or materialistic things. And whats would we do? All we could do is count our blessings all over again. It usually takes losing something to fully understand how much we appreciated it. We need to grasp all the things we do have and be happy. Realizing what we have before its gone.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I can handle it.
Because I don't have a boyfriend I am needy, this is what my sister tells me.Poor Amanda, is what I hear them say.She must be lonely, she must feel out of place. Honestly I DON'T.From time to time I have these feelings but its normal. But I don't live my life watching couples pass me by and crying in my pillow for Mr. Right. I am capable of finding someone. I don't really have a reason why I am single, I guess I haven't really been putting myself out there. Maybe I am not fully ready for someone new, some thing serious. I think the door to my heart is shut at the moment.
I am not overjoyed to be single, but I don't need someone in my life. I am independent and strong on my own. I know too many girls whose lives revolve around boys. They need to have a boyfriends at all time or they cannot operate right. They relay on a man to make them feel good, to protect them and to make them feel pretty. I think that is pathetic. One friend of mine is a perfect example of this. I cannot remember a time when she was single. She depends on her boyfriend to drive her to work, school and anywheres else she needs to go. She expects him to stick up for her and fight off anyone who makes her mad. She demands that he spend everyday with her, and she cannot hang out with her friends unless he comes along.Its like she can not operate with out her man holding her hand.I can't understand why she needs to be so dependent on him.I suspose to give her security.
My friends and family either look up to me or down at me. Theres no happy medium. Either way people look at it, its never right. I am needy, I can't not find someone or I am not interested. Or on the other side, I am too independent, Im better off without a boyfriend and Im so strong.I don't know why I am single, its just that way. Im not searching for a man, but if someone came into my life I would be happy. I don't need a man to feel secure, but having a man to make me happier would be great.I do want a someone I can count on, a shoulder to cry on and lips I can kiss. I just feel like I don't need to settle or lower my standards for a guy who might only make me happy for a bit.I don't want to have to wait around for his call,or planning my day around him. And I don't need jealously and worried thoughts in my head.I don't need the fighting and rollercoaster of emotions.
I do not feel uncomfortable around couples. It doesn't not make me depressed or jealous.I don't feel left out or alone. Love is extraordinary, but when your in it just to be in it, its wrong. Its fake.When I find love, be happy for me.Or if you can find a great guy to love me that would be nice . But right now Im happy and content.So be happy for me too.
I am not overjoyed to be single, but I don't need someone in my life. I am independent and strong on my own. I know too many girls whose lives revolve around boys. They need to have a boyfriends at all time or they cannot operate right. They relay on a man to make them feel good, to protect them and to make them feel pretty. I think that is pathetic. One friend of mine is a perfect example of this. I cannot remember a time when she was single. She depends on her boyfriend to drive her to work, school and anywheres else she needs to go. She expects him to stick up for her and fight off anyone who makes her mad. She demands that he spend everyday with her, and she cannot hang out with her friends unless he comes along.Its like she can not operate with out her man holding her hand.I can't understand why she needs to be so dependent on him.I suspose to give her security.
My friends and family either look up to me or down at me. Theres no happy medium. Either way people look at it, its never right. I am needy, I can't not find someone or I am not interested. Or on the other side, I am too independent, Im better off without a boyfriend and Im so strong.I don't know why I am single, its just that way. Im not searching for a man, but if someone came into my life I would be happy. I don't need a man to feel secure, but having a man to make me happier would be great.I do want a someone I can count on, a shoulder to cry on and lips I can kiss. I just feel like I don't need to settle or lower my standards for a guy who might only make me happy for a bit.I don't want to have to wait around for his call,or planning my day around him. And I don't need jealously and worried thoughts in my head.I don't need the fighting and rollercoaster of emotions.
I do not feel uncomfortable around couples. It doesn't not make me depressed or jealous.I don't feel left out or alone. Love is extraordinary, but when your in it just to be in it, its wrong. Its fake.When I find love, be happy for me.Or if you can find a great guy to love me that would be nice . But right now Im happy and content.So be happy for me too.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Holes of beauty.
When I was younger I despised my dimples. I would hid behind my mom clutching her tshirt as people ohhhed and awwed about how lovely my dimples were. People actually pinched my cheeks, as if they could feel the dimples. I hated that! I just couldn't understand what the fuss was about. I looked in the mirror and on either side of my lips were two dents. When I smiled or talked it looked like part of my cheeks caved in.
In my head it was a deformity. People would confess there jealously for my dimples and I would laugh. I probably sound foolish making a big deal out of this, but I was so shy when I was younger. I couldn't understand why people would always talk about them. And as a child being different isn't good. We want to look like all our friends, so these two small holes bothered me.
Holes of beauty was what a french black man called them, of course he said it in french,that was the translation. He made my blush and I laughed. This was last year. I now look in the mirror and appreciate my holes of beauty.They are rare and special. Dimples just enhance a smile. When I see a cute guy with dimples I just melt. And I see a pretty girl with dimples it makes me smile. I now love the attention more than when I was younger. My dimples are a bonus, I've been told I have a great smile. And I assume the dimples help. Now I think "Damn those are cute dimples lol"
In my head it was a deformity. People would confess there jealously for my dimples and I would laugh. I probably sound foolish making a big deal out of this, but I was so shy when I was younger. I couldn't understand why people would always talk about them. And as a child being different isn't good. We want to look like all our friends, so these two small holes bothered me.
Holes of beauty was what a french black man called them, of course he said it in french,that was the translation. He made my blush and I laughed. This was last year. I now look in the mirror and appreciate my holes of beauty.They are rare and special. Dimples just enhance a smile. When I see a cute guy with dimples I just melt. And I see a pretty girl with dimples it makes me smile. I now love the attention more than when I was younger. My dimples are a bonus, I've been told I have a great smile. And I assume the dimples help. Now I think "Damn those are cute dimples lol"
a few days ago....
What can you do when you run out of ideas?
You run forward but in actuality its a giant circle .
Life sometimes stops for you, but it keeps moving for others.
How do you catch up?
My days are a blur of uneventful hours.
I don't even trust myself anymore.
I don't understand my own feelings.
And I can't keep up with my mood swings.
You run forward but in actuality its a giant circle .
Life sometimes stops for you, but it keeps moving for others.
How do you catch up?
My days are a blur of uneventful hours.
I don't even trust myself anymore.
I don't understand my own feelings.
And I can't keep up with my mood swings.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Let me start this post off with saying I went to bed early to catch up on my sleep. I was so tired, I crawled into bed at 9:00, I am now awake at 4am...I can't sleep anymore.So i decided to post , the computer usually makes me tired. Im also eating gobstoppers.
Friday -I made sloppy Joes and ate them with my rents. We watched Napoleon Dynamite. My dad couldn't believe how weird the movie was, and surprisingly funny. I love that movie, I could probably recite half of it.
Saturday- worked until 3:30. I ate fish and chips and took a long nap. Then I got dressed up and went down to main street with cat to have a drink and people watch before the movie. We made a pit stop at sobeys and bought some treats, I bought BBQ style goldfish, gobstoppers and water.
We went to see "Must love Dogs" it was really cute.A feel good movie. There was just one out of character, kind of random scene that made my eyebrows turn up. Close to the end the two characters had this long makeout kiss in front of the butcher. So weird. They could of used with out that. But oh well. In the end I'd give it 3 out of 4 stars ***.
Sunday- worked until 2:30 had a better day, I was on the first level so it wasn't as hot and only 3 rooms were trashed. I went on a kitty hunt with my mom and youngest sister to look for a new kitten.We seen a lot of really cute ones. Mind you we already have 4 cats, crazy if we get another. But my little sister is spoiled and she always gets what she wants, even if we cant afford it. There expensive. Like 90 dollars, then you need to get them fixed and declawed..way too much money for us. Anyways after that I went out for supper with my older sister. We went to Mooser's , a pub with excellent food. I order a delicious burger with fries. My only complaint, well I have two. They were out of potato wedges, that was the real reason why i chose Moosers. And number 2 , it was freezing in there!!! Gillian and I had a fair time..the conversation was mid-interesting. And we left a tip 5 bucks. Not bad Miss Waitress!
One more thing, if you don't need change is it alright to just leave the money on the table. We waited for the waitress to come back, but she was taking her good old times.So that is just what we did. I ve seen people do it before. I was just scared they were going to think we didnt pay.
Friday -I made sloppy Joes and ate them with my rents. We watched Napoleon Dynamite. My dad couldn't believe how weird the movie was, and surprisingly funny. I love that movie, I could probably recite half of it.
Saturday- worked until 3:30. I ate fish and chips and took a long nap. Then I got dressed up and went down to main street with cat to have a drink and people watch before the movie. We made a pit stop at sobeys and bought some treats, I bought BBQ style goldfish, gobstoppers and water.
We went to see "Must love Dogs" it was really cute.A feel good movie. There was just one out of character, kind of random scene that made my eyebrows turn up. Close to the end the two characters had this long makeout kiss in front of the butcher. So weird. They could of used with out that. But oh well. In the end I'd give it 3 out of 4 stars ***.
Sunday- worked until 2:30 had a better day, I was on the first level so it wasn't as hot and only 3 rooms were trashed. I went on a kitty hunt with my mom and youngest sister to look for a new kitten.We seen a lot of really cute ones. Mind you we already have 4 cats, crazy if we get another. But my little sister is spoiled and she always gets what she wants, even if we cant afford it. There expensive. Like 90 dollars, then you need to get them fixed and declawed..way too much money for us. Anyways after that I went out for supper with my older sister. We went to Mooser's , a pub with excellent food. I order a delicious burger with fries. My only complaint, well I have two. They were out of potato wedges, that was the real reason why i chose Moosers. And number 2 , it was freezing in there!!! Gillian and I had a fair time..the conversation was mid-interesting. And we left a tip 5 bucks. Not bad Miss Waitress!
One more thing, if you don't need change is it alright to just leave the money on the table. We waited for the waitress to come back, but she was taking her good old times.So that is just what we did. I ve seen people do it before. I was just scared they were going to think we didnt pay.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
socks
i need to buy some new socks. just basic white socks. i prefer fruit of the looms. im a no frills kind of gal when it comes to socks. and i get so excited to buy new ones, fresh white and comfy.ever put a new pair of socks on and feel how soft and coushiony they are?(coushiony is that a word? who knows. it is now!) i love it! its the best feeling.its like walking on clouds. they usually only stay that way until you wash them. so i decided if i ever won the lottery or became famous i would only wear my white socks once, i could afford it. that way they were always be soft. most of socks right now have holes in them, same with my underwear. i dont know where the holes come from.on my socks the holes are right below my toes. and on my undies i find the holes usually on my butt. maybe i scratch my butt too much or sit on my butt too long. but i doubt that is the reason. its beyond me where these damn holes are coming from. i think i need to look for extra strong undies. double up on the fabric or something ..lol
She sees Red
She was a lonely girl with a broken smile.
Spending most of her days alone with a huge hunger in her heart.
She hides her feelings by painting her lips red and plunging her neck line inches lower.
Her friend's roles differ from enemies to lite companions.
She struggles to find happiness through a sea of men.
None of which care enough to hold her after the deed is done.
She flaunts herself, but fears the negative rejection,
She brags about her many partners but most of them would deny any relationship with her.
All the lies harden her heart, and the sex makes her jaded.
She in denial of her happy happy life.
This is not about me lol. Its about a friend of mine, well actually more of an acquaintance.
Spending most of her days alone with a huge hunger in her heart.
She hides her feelings by painting her lips red and plunging her neck line inches lower.
Her friend's roles differ from enemies to lite companions.
She struggles to find happiness through a sea of men.
None of which care enough to hold her after the deed is done.
She flaunts herself, but fears the negative rejection,
She brags about her many partners but most of them would deny any relationship with her.
All the lies harden her heart, and the sex makes her jaded.
She in denial of her happy happy life.
This is not about me lol. Its about a friend of mine, well actually more of an acquaintance.
The tip fairy came.
Through out the 16 rooms I cleaned today I receive 10 dollars in tips. Not too shabby, I graciously accept that. Mind you it was a lot of quarters and dimes, it weighed the pocket in my uniform down. But in the end its all Money. Im happy!:0)
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Tip me!!!
No one ever leaves a damn tip! I work at a hotel cleaning rooms. Im a housekeeper. With all the work I do, and mess I clean, I believe people should leave Tips.
Tell me this, why do you HAVE to feel obligated to leave a tip at a restaurant. Its like an unwritten rule that you tip your waitress or waiter after the meal. Now the rate is different with everyone. I ve heard that it is 15%, so you pretty much tip what you paid in taxes.
Let me paint you a picture with words. The waitress arrives at your table hands you the plastic menus and asks what you would like to drink. She then leaves, gets them and takes your order. She may help you by recommending a good dish or bring extra sauce. She then brings your meal to you. With the length it takes you to eat your meal she may come back once or twice to see if everything is satisfactory. Then she brings you your bill and collects the money. Wow now thats tiring!Not.
No listen to my hardship of cleaning your hotel room. I enter a room prop open the door and turn on the air -conditioner, because it bloody hot and I am stuck in this heavy blue cotton uniform. I strip the two beds, clean up dirty wrappers, condoms and the million of beer bottles strewn across the room. Since people are unable to put there garbage in the waste bin, I have to drag a garage bag around clearing everything into it. Half eaten take out boxes,cups and used Kleenex. I then collected all the dirty wet towels from the bathroom. I wash down everything, the tables, windows, tv and picture frames from all the coffee spills and finger prints. The I make both the bed and bring fresh towels to the bathroom. I replace the gazpacho bags and vacuum the floor. I then have to get on my hands and knees and wipe all the stray hairs off the bathroom floor. I have to wipe the pee off the toilet seat and tooth paste from the sink.And I get Zip for cleaning up all this mess. This is just an example of a room. Most rooms on a weekend tend to be worse, they look like a tornado hit them. Now I m not complaining, I know this is all part of my job. But I just don't understand how a person can walk out of there room and not think " Hey this poor girl has to clean my dirty room, heres a dollar."
Now Im not going to downplay a waitress's job anymore, because I now she/he may have to deal with drunk and rude people.And they deal with the public more so than I do. But the way I look at it is, if they deserve tips then so do I. I dont expect 10 dollars, I get excited to see 2 dollars lol.So anything would be appreciate. If people really knew what we had to do to get there room the way they see it when they first check in, they might think differently. No one ever sees the trashed rooms.
Im such a whiner but I don't get paid enough to clean used condoms and rotten food. For the love of God leave me a Tip. Money makes me happy!!!!:0)
Tell me this, why do you HAVE to feel obligated to leave a tip at a restaurant. Its like an unwritten rule that you tip your waitress or waiter after the meal. Now the rate is different with everyone. I ve heard that it is 15%, so you pretty much tip what you paid in taxes.
Let me paint you a picture with words. The waitress arrives at your table hands you the plastic menus and asks what you would like to drink. She then leaves, gets them and takes your order. She may help you by recommending a good dish or bring extra sauce. She then brings your meal to you. With the length it takes you to eat your meal she may come back once or twice to see if everything is satisfactory. Then she brings you your bill and collects the money. Wow now thats tiring!Not.
No listen to my hardship of cleaning your hotel room. I enter a room prop open the door and turn on the air -conditioner, because it bloody hot and I am stuck in this heavy blue cotton uniform. I strip the two beds, clean up dirty wrappers, condoms and the million of beer bottles strewn across the room. Since people are unable to put there garbage in the waste bin, I have to drag a garage bag around clearing everything into it. Half eaten take out boxes,cups and used Kleenex. I then collected all the dirty wet towels from the bathroom. I wash down everything, the tables, windows, tv and picture frames from all the coffee spills and finger prints. The I make both the bed and bring fresh towels to the bathroom. I replace the gazpacho bags and vacuum the floor. I then have to get on my hands and knees and wipe all the stray hairs off the bathroom floor. I have to wipe the pee off the toilet seat and tooth paste from the sink.And I get Zip for cleaning up all this mess. This is just an example of a room. Most rooms on a weekend tend to be worse, they look like a tornado hit them. Now I m not complaining, I know this is all part of my job. But I just don't understand how a person can walk out of there room and not think " Hey this poor girl has to clean my dirty room, heres a dollar."
Now Im not going to downplay a waitress's job anymore, because I now she/he may have to deal with drunk and rude people.And they deal with the public more so than I do. But the way I look at it is, if they deserve tips then so do I. I dont expect 10 dollars, I get excited to see 2 dollars lol.So anything would be appreciate. If people really knew what we had to do to get there room the way they see it when they first check in, they might think differently. No one ever sees the trashed rooms.
Im such a whiner but I don't get paid enough to clean used condoms and rotten food. For the love of God leave me a Tip. Money makes me happy!!!!:0)
If you can't sing...sing anyways
Her face laced with freckles, she lays under the bushy maple tree, daydreaming. Her white cotton skirt creases under her knees. Why would a mother buy a playful child a white skirt we will never know. She claims with a giggle that something so beautiful can't help but be ruin. The little girls toes dig into the grass and dirt. She hopes the sunny day will be a good time to catch butterflies. Shes perched under the tree for hours, exploring the rocks and leaves. The most complicated task of her day is to catch her butterfly. Her motive painted with innocence. She doesn't plan to own the butterfly or trap it, she just wants to watch it's beauty. She's want to examine every inch and then set it free. She waits patiently for her butterfly by pointing out the pictures in the clouds.
Friday, August 05, 2005
"So I wash away the stains of yesterday"
What is sex? A feeling or a commitment? We all know sex has different affects on males and females. But what are they?Does one feel more than the other? When your in a relationship whether you are male or female, sex is a bond, its a special way of communication. Its the ultimate connection between two people. But when your not in a relationship, sex is a game. I think we want less feelings and just a moment. A moment to release and let go. A moment to enjoy. Ive try both scenarios and I could never see myself living in those games. Its a bunch of secretes, some times awkwardness and so quick. Where's the love?
The tenderness? I'd rather have the moments after sex with someone I love, then the passion in those few minutes with someone I dont.
The tenderness? I'd rather have the moments after sex with someone I love, then the passion in those few minutes with someone I dont.
When I hear about how much better he's doing without me it breaks me down. Maybe I could be happy for him if there wasn't this rift between us. If we could speak to each other and our hard feelings would soften. But how can I forgive him for the hurts hes caused me when hes still causing me pain. He told Justin that I called him last month. Justin is sort of a mutual friend, but more my friend, Ive known justin all my life, and he worked with justin for a few month. Justin doesn't care much for M (MY EX) that much, but because of work they speak every so often. I usually dread having one of one convos with Justin because he always has something to tell me about M.
But Im shocked that M would lie. I haven't spoke to M in over 6 months. Ive made little to no contact with him. The times time I tried to contact him was once in a txt message and Ive already confessed to that moment of weakness. And the second was when I sent him an email. Well actually it was even an email it was like one of those picture jokes. I thought it was funny.
I want to be happy for him, but he wont let me. He either likes to make me look bad, or hes telling justin I called him, so that justin will tell me. I really have no clue whats goes thru his head. But I never did anything to him, I have been more than a friend, and he seems to hate me.
I am almost jaded a few tears crept out of my eyes, but I cant cry anymore. Im going crazy. My life is a shame. I have nothing to be proud of, nothing to look forward to. Ive been in the same position since M left. I am embarrassed. To see him happy sucks, but its worse that everything has changed for him, everything is wonderful for him and Im stuck in the same spot.
I feel like a failure at everything. Unable to live out the smallest part of my dreams. Some days I feel like I am dyeing, theres nothing left of me. Just sad words floating out of my mouth. Im habouring all this pain, embarrassment and regret. Im scared.
Everytime I talk to Justin he upsets me. God love him he's a great guy, but he always brings up M. He throws it all back in my face, in my world. He makes me face reality and rains on my dreams. He tells me that M's happy without me, hes a changed man. The two are living together and thinking about marriage. Its just hard to hear, and its even harder to face. To see him gone, I should be happy, to see him moved on, should make me happier. But it really just makes me examine my life and makes me feel soo low..
anyways enough saddness and complaing. Im just having a bad day. I better get to work I am going to be late. Id rather call in sick, but I'll manage.
But Im shocked that M would lie. I haven't spoke to M in over 6 months. Ive made little to no contact with him. The times time I tried to contact him was once in a txt message and Ive already confessed to that moment of weakness. And the second was when I sent him an email. Well actually it was even an email it was like one of those picture jokes. I thought it was funny.
I want to be happy for him, but he wont let me. He either likes to make me look bad, or hes telling justin I called him, so that justin will tell me. I really have no clue whats goes thru his head. But I never did anything to him, I have been more than a friend, and he seems to hate me.
I am almost jaded a few tears crept out of my eyes, but I cant cry anymore. Im going crazy. My life is a shame. I have nothing to be proud of, nothing to look forward to. Ive been in the same position since M left. I am embarrassed. To see him happy sucks, but its worse that everything has changed for him, everything is wonderful for him and Im stuck in the same spot.
I feel like a failure at everything. Unable to live out the smallest part of my dreams. Some days I feel like I am dyeing, theres nothing left of me. Just sad words floating out of my mouth. Im habouring all this pain, embarrassment and regret. Im scared.
Everytime I talk to Justin he upsets me. God love him he's a great guy, but he always brings up M. He throws it all back in my face, in my world. He makes me face reality and rains on my dreams. He tells me that M's happy without me, hes a changed man. The two are living together and thinking about marriage. Its just hard to hear, and its even harder to face. To see him gone, I should be happy, to see him moved on, should make me happier. But it really just makes me examine my life and makes me feel soo low..
anyways enough saddness and complaing. Im just having a bad day. I better get to work I am going to be late. Id rather call in sick, but I'll manage.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
To whom this may concern
Dear Mr. Future,
I hope you can see that I am trying to plan for you, but you always seem so far away. Theres this guy named Mr. Present and he takes up all my time.I have to buy new clothes just to look good for him. It seems to make more sense to worry about work tomorrow and paying my bills next week, then trying to find you Mr.Future. Becasue what you offer me feels like years away. And things can change in a moment, things can end or begin. It feels like a dream never to become reality.
Mr. Future what do you have in store for me? Can you promise me a great job, one in which I enjoy and can make even the slightest difference in peoples lives. Can you promise me a cute apartment, independence and money? Can you promise me a tall handsome, with lean arms and a cute smile. A man full of laughter, love and sweet words for me. I dont ask for a lot. Just a happy life. Could you give me that. Maybe you see me becoming famous and rich. But if not I'll put up with just being happy. Could I butter you up with fancy words to make my future brighter?
Please contact me and let me know when we can book an appointment to discuss what lies ahead for me. In conclusion I am just an unorganized, procrastinator and I need some help. So my question for you, Mr. Future, is can you help me find my way?
Yours Truly,
Amanda Q.
xoxo
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Life changes.
Im content. But I never wanted to be content. I wanted to be entheastic. I want to feel over thrilled with my life. I just need to figure out how to make this happen.
Sentimental
You don't need to hid in the tall grass* With a gentle kiss from the wind you will be on your way * Your thumb print was the key, a key to anything in your heart. * You don't need to paint the sky a bright blue when the grey clouds are really there * Let it rain when it needs to, let it pour when it needs to * You could always buy fresh white towels to dry yourself off * And remember don't play with knives they break peoples hearts * Don't dance with stars in your eyes it will blind you *
Monday, August 01, 2005
Random
Im tired but I can't sleep. Ive been working all weekend...nothing to great happened. Pretty mellow. I got a call from Joey again tonight. I am seriously thinking about going out west to visit that boy.
My friend Amanda is in the Maritimes to visit. I've been trying to get a hold of her. Cross your fingers that I get to see her before see leaves. She's been leaving random messages on my msn, but Ive never been on whens shes on. She apparently doesn't have my number, nor do I have hers. We need to get this party started.
Tomorows my day off, but its suppose to rain!I hate rain. My tan is starting to fade, I need sun to work on this glow. lol I believe I will end up sleeping all day and maybe go see " Must love dogs" that night. What a life I lead.
Happy New Brunswick Day!:0)
My friend Amanda is in the Maritimes to visit. I've been trying to get a hold of her. Cross your fingers that I get to see her before see leaves. She's been leaving random messages on my msn, but Ive never been on whens shes on. She apparently doesn't have my number, nor do I have hers. We need to get this party started.
Tomorows my day off, but its suppose to rain!I hate rain. My tan is starting to fade, I need sun to work on this glow. lol I believe I will end up sleeping all day and maybe go see " Must love dogs" that night. What a life I lead.
Happy New Brunswick Day!:0)
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