Christmas is Here

Its been quite hectic this past week. School only ended on the 23rd plus I worked about 25 hours and tried to finsh my shopping. I always spent one night as a hairstylist for all my sisters friends on wednesday. It was there christmas fromal, and it seems any formal or dance me & jessika get suckered in doing 50 teenage girls hair lol. Oh well its all fun.
Its is 2:38 pm in my house and everyone has gone back to bed. I am just about to conquer my room, it needs a really good cleaning. I had a wonderful christmas and recieved everything I wanted. I am excited to go to Amherst to see all my exteneded family. And Im it excited for boxing day sales and New years....

Let me rest up, I'll post a better post later one.

A doubtful mind is a useless mind.

I decided to demolish the thought of being with Alex, atleast for the moment.And I have every intention of doing so.Even though the chances seem to be building a ladder right to my heart.

2 opportunities, to complete loses for words, I seem to be still in the running.
But I asked for signs and I received them, and I still don't know what to make of them. I complicate the situation. I analyze it, and dissected it, and leave this one moment into a dozen hand movements ,single words, and questions. It confuses me, I make to much of it and it becomes over thought.

A crush can be exhausting. Don't you find. ?You calculate in your head exactly what you will say to him and you work through numerous conversations to work with his changing reactions. Your sneaky, watching him, placing yourself in his foot steps. And then daydreaming. It takes up more time then I would admit. I don't believe I am up for the catch.



EDIT- I forgot to mention Alex came into my store on sunday.It was a total fluke for me because 10 minutes before I was telling one of the girls I work with about him, I didn't even see him walk in. I just turned towards the newborn section and there he was standing, facing me, wearing his baby on his chest in a baby carrier.The baby is a gilr and 3 months old.
He seen me right away. I was of course like always, speechless. He has that effect on me. I called Bridgett over and told her it was Alex. She of course yelled and pushed me towards him. But I declined and helped a few customers. I couldn't do it. I was literally feeling faint, I felt so hot and my cheeks were fire red. How silly is that. This crush is so silly. When I finally got the courage to go over and ask him if he needed help, I seen that Bridgett beat me to it. They had a conversations. My conversation! Hes very friendly and talkative. Then I seen her. She came towards him pushing a cart. I assume his girlfriend. But he told everyone at school he was single.
Either he is 1. single
2. they got back together
3. Its the babys mother and they are just shopping together for there baby. They are probably on good terms and stil friends.

I believe its number 3.So I felt aliltte shattered. But he still stared at me with wide eyes. He definitely reconigized me and I think he looked rather happy to see me. He looked so cute with his baby, you could tell he very proud and loves to show her off.

check yes or no.

I forgot to mention the most crucial part of my story. I day that I finally had a semi conversation with my lover, I looked horible. Ekks. Its Murphys Law right. The one day you aren't prepare, and looking your worst you see the guy you are crushing on. It was exam day, so I sort of rolled out of bed. I supose I didn't look that bad, but I didn't look my best.

Im trying to figure out why Im so childish towards this crush, I tend to me cool and collective. I tend to be smooth and not so shy towards guys. But, in this case I feel like Im in grade school, pointing at him and giggling. Butterflies in my stomach. I barely know this guy and Im dreaming about him, planning each word I might say to him. There just something about him that has attached itself to me. I feel like I was put under a spell. Maybe its because this is the first real crush I have had since my ex. The first real attraction and interest I have shown in a guy. Its been so long, I don't know what to do with myself.

I've been inhaling a box of chocolate cover cherrys, I almost feel dizzy. I need a break lol.:0)

And he speaks....

I have made HUGE progess in my quest to get Alex lol. I had a semi conversation with him. My cousin used to work with him (she goes to school with me) and we were on our way down stair when he came out of the bathroom. And she called him over. And they began talking about there work. I just kind of looked around, I felt so stupid, and I was soo nervous, I was sure my knees were gonna give out on me. Then he talked about his class he was in, and I told him that class looked aweosme, and I heard alot of good stuff about it.I said a few other things. Butr I really didn't talk that much. And my cousin didn't introduce me. But I am excited anyways. I talked to him, I smiled at him, I got to look at him up close. I hear his cute voice. I feel like a little kid, I don't even know this guy and I feel butterflies in my stomach and I acted all giggly and stuff.
What a great stepping stone, now I can only move forward. I need to see him again, talk to him. ASK HIM OUT!!!!!!

I am soo super duper trooper excited. I can't stop smiling.!What a goof!

Have you seen the light?

Does it make me any less of a Christian if I do not attend church? Is it a sin to say church is boring. One of the 10 commandments is "Tho shalt not lie." Right.. Well then I am just being honest, I get soo bored at church. And I rarely read the bible, though I should be dealt some credit for opening it up and reading a few verses at a time. That's a start.

I do pray every night, unless Im unbelievably tired or drunk. I pray a lot actually. Whenever I watch the news, I see horrible things happening in our world, killings, bombings, wars. I pray for the people I see on the news. Whenever I hear a siren fly by on the highway, like a habit, I stop in my tracks and say a quick pray.

I even pray when people say the lords name in vain. It sounds silly. But I'll say Please God forgive them for using your name in vain, and help them learn it is wrong.

I think I am a pretty good Christian, in my own way. I may not follow the traditional ways, I make my own. I think all that matters is that you Believe.

I walk the road less traveled.

Do you ever look at your bare french fries and count out in your head how many trips it would take to get to the kitchen? Should you grab your plate and walk to the kitchen (1) and pour the ketchup on them.Then walk back to the living room (2). 2 trips. Or walk to the kitchen empty handed (1) grab the ketchup go back to the living room (2), pour the ketchup on and walk back to the kicthen. (3). 3 trips. Why do I always take the long way?I never stop and count on my hand which way would be shorter .And then, of course, I always miss the best part of the show.

IF I WAS A RICH GIRL.

Outfits I * l.O.V.E.
What a beautiful life it would be, if I was rich and could buy all the clothes I wanted.

I HATE EVERYTHING

I am hate having to leave 2 hours before class and getting home two hours after my class ends. I hate waiting at the bus stop for 30 mins. I hate my boring class. I hate come home and its dark out. I hate not seeing Alex, or any of my friends. I hate never having money. And I hate having to rush right to work after class.

I am so low right now, not even low past low.I don't even feel low just numb. Knowing that I am unhappy with my life and there isn't much I can do about it. Im broke all the time, I can't do anything. I literally go to school, eat, work and sleep. And watch t.v. Thats it. Thats all I can afford to do, that all the energy I have. I am beginning to think going back to school was a mistake. I know that these are just the sacrifice I have to make so that I can have a better life, a better job and in the end more money. But It all sucks right now. I have no friends, no fun, no money, no love life and no excitement. I loved my last class and I enjoyed going to school. But this class bites, afternoon classes bite. Im trying to find something good out of it, but I can't. Class doesn't start until 1:00pm. Sweet..you'd think. I get to sleep in. WRONG. I have to catch the bus at 11 am. So therefore I get up at 9 to shower and eat and finish my homework.Class finish at 5pm and I don't get home until 6:30. I just need one good thing to happen to me. One thing to cheer me up. I can't even remember the last time I went out with my friends.

I feel like Im not even living. I pass up so many opportunities because Im broke, or working or in school.

I am aching to get student of the module. I worked so hard in my last class. I had perfect attendance,was never late passing in my assignments and did every bite of extra work there was. My marks were good, might not of been the highest, probably a high 80 or 90. But I have a feeling one of the suck ups in my class will get it. If you get picked you get your picture taken (loves it) and it gets hung up in the hall with the rest of the students of the module. One for each class. Just means your the best for that class. I want it I want it I want it. I wanna get atleast 3 before I graduate.

Christmas is coming and Im not really excited. We get two weeks off and I'll probably work most of it. At a job thats soooo boring. I am being cheap this year and I feel bad.I wanna buy my family soo much more. I wanna buy myself stuff and I never can.I haven;t bought clothes in forever,im hating my wardrobe right now.I need clothes to cheer me up.

Im not proofreading this stupid thing lol.. not in the mood. Lets play a game; how many mistakes can you find.LOL. Grammer, spelling,missing punctuation ,or just completely doesn't make sense lol.

It sure is shady under this rock.

My weekend?
Fast.
Boring.
Work.
Sleep T.V.
Eat.

What am I thinking?
Im tired.
What am I gonna wear tomorrow?
Should I run up stairs and get a glass of water?

What am I worrying about
What my final exam mark was.
Will I have to work tomorrow.
Money.

Did I buy anything this weekend?
Ritz chips.
Skittles.
Pot of gold.
Hand lotion.
Eye blue shadow

Wish List. More to come!!:0)

take a picture

Its funny when I read my horoscope and I don't like it I just go to a different horoscope site and find another one. And I keep looking until I am happy with what the prediction says. I dont even really believe them. Just if it says something about Love. Then I cross my fingers that it will come true.

he's a lamp and Im the table.

My head hurts, I have been working on my 25 page exam review for the past hour. Plus I have been working on good new/ bad new letters all morning. Im so sleepy, I just wanna go home and crawl into my bed with my cat and sleep for the rest of the day. Its funny I washed some clothes on Friday and set them all my bed, and I have been sleeping with them piled up on the bottom of my bed for the past 5 days. I am such a slob, my room is trashed, even my bed is filled with make up brushes, homework and clothing.

Not much has been happening in my life since my last posting. I feel so drained, physical but more mentally than anything. I have been fretting over Alex, and I feel powerless. Though I hold all the power in my hands, I could easily walk up to him and talk to him. But I feel pathetic and scared. I feel like every day I go home and work up the courage all over again for the next day, just to be disappointed again.
I feel like giving up, but then I see him walking down the hall and I get butterflies. Its all soo silly and so juvenile. Hes has over taken my head, my dreams. And I have no control. Maybe he is just something to help spice up my dull life, give me something to talk about, and something to look forward to.

supose we fell in love.

My Kitty ice giving me a kiss.
Me. My arms look like giant hams lol.!!!

Kanye

SUPER TIRED

Post Number 200! Excellent

My cat is accident prone.
He is two years old.fixed and Declawed ($160)
broke his hip

Cut his eye ($100)
---------------------
860 so far!!

And now he cut his head. I have no idea how. But it won't heal. I think he keeps picking at it. I have no money to bring him to the vet AGAIN. So I bandage him up myself. He keeps trying to take it off. But it needs to heal. Its been about a week and its not better.!!!Argh

The women who doesn't wash her hair wasn't on the bus today. It would probably take all day to wash her hair. Lets hope tomorrow she will come with freshly washed hair.

I seen Alex a few times. I think I like playing this game. Having something to look forward to. Someone to talk about and day dream about. Maybe that's why I won't talk to him. I don't wanna burst my bubble. If I never ask I'll never know, therefore I can keep dreaming because there still the possibility. Who knows. My mind is silly.

I've been looking for signs. But my signs aren't even really signs they are just life. So what if he walked by me.And if I seen him 3 times today. But Its fun to think that these signs might really mean something. Again it adds a little spice to my mundane life.

Im gonna hum my way to your heart. Im gonna bake you cookies and smile as you eat them.

GHETTO BUBBLE BLOWER.



Bus thoughts..Random ones at that. (note this is what I think in my head while I ride the bus. Nothing is censored.)
- Damn she looks like a sausage stuffed into that jacket.
- I wonder if I put on too much perfume. I hope I don't smell too much. I hate it when people bath in there perfume/Cologne. Its gross and makes me sick. I hope Im not one of those people today.
- HA, she didn't get her seat. Shes gonna freak. Why is she breathing so hard. She must of ran so that no one would take her seat. Ha sucks to be you.
-I wonder if hes married. He looks like a married man.
-Please don't sit next to me. Please keep walking. Please Please Please..... Yes!
-I am soo tired.I don't know why that guy keeps staring at me. Damn I must be looking good!
- Someone smells really bad. I wonder who it is. Ewww. I can't breath.


Every night I tell myself tomorrow will be the day I make contact with Alex. I will bump into him, I will say hello. I say this will be the day that something happens. A sign will be shown. A chance will appear. But everyday nothing.
So I decided tomorrow will not be the day I talk to Alex. I won't say hello, I won't bump into him.And he won't even look my way. The chance will not happen. the sign will not be there. Tomorrow will not be the day. Maybe I need some reverse psychology. Or maybe I need to give up to get my chance. Things always happen when you least expect them to. When your not looking. They surprise you. Well guess what Im ready to be surprised.


Ewww theres this women who takes my bus every morning. She's loud. She rants and raves about everything. Talks about her grandchildren like there Elstien and the President. She annoys me to no end. She has this raspy loud voice. And she laughs like some wild animal. Anyways. Two weeks ago she got her hair done at the hairdressers for a Christmas party. Now he was soo busy that he had to do her hair 4 days before her party. But I guess she was fine with that. She wore her hair in this fancy up-do for 4 days. Alright alittle gross, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyways Monday rolls around and she comes waltzing on the bus with her hair still in this up-do. Well oh mine thats gross. Its now day 6. I have been keep track everyday and guess how many days she has gone without taking it out and with out washing it obviously.????!!! GUESSSSSS!!




15 DAYS! She hasn't washed her hair in 15 days. EWWWWW!!!Her hair is all matted , her bangs are stuck to her forehead. And honestly her once whiteish/ grey hair is now a brownish yellow color. Im soo grossed out!! Who doesn't wash there hair for 15 days!!!!!!!!!!!! Lets see how long this countdown goes on for.

Get out of my Way.

I am in a rotton mood, you wouldn't want to cross paths with me. And its a shame because people have been trying to talk me and I can't mustard enough spunk to be nice to them. It started off because my mother would not pick me up after my exam. She worked the night shift last night. I told her I'd be finshed between 9:30 and 10. But she said she would be sleeping. I called her again at 10 when I finally made it to the mall and she was still awake. She still wouldn't pick me up. She said she was just seconds away from going to bed. I could feel my blood boiling. Steam was pouring out of my ears. I spent alomost 2 hours on the bus, but if my mother would of picked my up it would of been 15 minutes.

The whole time on the bus I was jumpy, I was hoping that we might be able to catch my transfer in time, but we didn't. I hate old people. The bus driver was old. He had to stop and check is lotto tickets, and then stratch more on the bus. I watched so many old people santer onto the bus like they were going to live forever. They waddled from side to side, smiling because they knew the bus wouldn't leave without them. There old, which means there special.
The old lady in front of me picked her nose with every finger and then used the other hand. It was digusting. I just wanted to pinch the back of her neck. Or pull at her blue/sliver hair.

Again the bus stopped and the bus driver took out a sandwich to eat. By this time it didn't matter becasue I had already missed my transfer, so he could sit there for an hour, then i wouldn't have to wait at the mall. But when I finally transferred it was packed. I was not sitting next to anyone.So I sat in the front.Not my preferrance. The guy kept starring at me. He was in front of me.Once, twice he looked. Three four five times he looked. By this time I was growling at him. As to say back off buddy. This kid couldn't of been any older than 18. He had yellow hair with black roots growing in. He pulled out his hard hat and made sure I seen it. And then he begun digging out tools out of his bookbag and strapped them on his tool belt. Now if this kid thinks a hard hat and a hammer hanging off his pants is gonna impress me , he better just step off the bus now. He looked foolish anyways. He looked like a kid playing dress up with his dad's work stuff. When he fianlly got off the bus, I literaly blew a breath of fresh air. I looked out the window and he actually turned around and waved. HA. What a doof.

Of all the days for me not to have a book or anything to keep my ocuppied. All I could do was insult people in my mind.

Im cranky now because theres nothing good to eat and I have to work at 6. I actually hate working. Its soooo boring. Its never busy. I don't even think anyone likes me, they barely talk to me. All night you walk around asking people if they need help and re-folding the same shirt 578 times. My feet ache at the end of the shift because pretty much standing in one spot. And wearing all black is depressing.

Goodbye.

Walk a day in my shoes.

i called in sick so that i could study all day. i had a 25 page midterm review to do. and i had to study for two tests. im pooped! Night.
I'll leave you with my newest creation.

5656942200479648

I was at melanie's blog and she was talking about getting a credit card. This made me post about my devil of a credit card. Its been maxed out about a month after I received it. I always pay on it, but then I spend what I put on it like the next day. You guys have already figured out that I have a spending problem.

My mom read in a magazine you can put your credit card in a bucket of water and freeze it in the freezer so you can't touch it. And if you really need it you have to take it out and unthaw it.So it will make you think twice about using it.

My mom thinking this would cure my bad habit took it out of my wallet and immersed it in an old butter container and stuck it in the deep freeze. A day later I of course panicked when I couldn't find my credit card. My mom calmly pointed to the deep freeze and said "Its in there". I looked in and marked on the butter container said "Amanda's credit card" And to my surprise it was actually in there frozen in a block of ice.

It did work for as long as I had it frozen I put money on my card and couldn't touch it. But the second I unthawed it, I spent it all. I guess it time to chuck it back in the freezer.

It was quite a story to tell.I had to book a hotel room and they needed my credit card number to hold the room. She asked what the expirary date was. And I had to tell her I didn't know because my credit card was in the freezer. The women was quite puzzled, but I told her the story and she thought it was a smart idea.LOl..

All my friends still laugh at me. They tell to be careful not to stick it in the microwave if I wanna quickly unthaw it lol.

second guess.

Im in class. A class full of butt cracks. It seems every girl in my class has low pants that show there cracks. Mine is covered, but I must admit once I been over my yellow thong is discovered.
I am in a sour mood yet again. Whats new? I worked all weekend and just finshed an exam.
I am sitting her as a loner, smiling from seeing my hottie. Thats it.

A few things you didn't know about me.

I wake up in the middle of the night to write down a poem so I don't forget it in the morning.

I sometimes pee with the door open

Tomato and Cumcumber and mircle whip toasted sandwichs=Yummy

I sleep with the fan on all year round.And never turn on the heat.

Yes..I pick my nose!

My cat sleeps on my pillow everynight leaving me with only a small corner of the pillow.

I talk in my sleep and sometimes scream.

I always have sweets hidden in my room somewheres.

My room is a diaster and I like it that way.

My nose and hands are always cold.

I take 4 minute showers and I hate hot water.

I own about 16 pairs of Jeans

I watch the shopping channel regularly!

I once stuck my head on jlos body, so it looked like I was standing next to Ben Affleck.

I always wear socks

I like rap and hip hop.

I don't like to drink anything hot or chocolate.

When I go to the mall I look in every store first and then go back to buy things after.

I detest and am Afraid of jewerly. It makes me sick.

I don't like sitting in the middle seat in a car.

I am scared of bridges

Crackers at 6 am

Feeling a tad cramped up. But I have to go to school. I have a "S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G Test" today!!!Cross my fingers I wanna get 100.. Im having trouble with a few words. I'l study on the bus. No school tomorrow! Excellent!!! I worked last night for a whole 3 hours hahaha... Im gonna be rich when my pay check comes rolling in. Welll i bettter go sift through my cloest to find something to wear to school.
P.S- I haven't really come across Alex in the past few days.And I haven't been looking for him either. Im giving up. Im throwing in the towel. But hes still SOOO CUTE.

Choking.

I miss him. I just read all his emails. Ive saved them all. All 42 of them. I printed them out a long time ago and put them in my box. After two years the first email and the rest are still in a folder in my email account. Im sad. I need to realize hes never going away. I keep relaspings' and losing control. And my strong moments I fall into remission, but he's still there. He's a diease that can not be cured. I am lost at sea, and no one will ever find me. Theres nothing i can do. Marks got me tied down and locked up and he doesn't even know it
This is the email I got the day before he broke up with me. Excuse his bad spelling and kind of ghetto talk lol. I didn't see it coming.... what went wrong?

Hey baby face

im just sitting at mikes drinking and thinking of how much i love you.. Im gonna call you tomrw not tonight. i hope thats alright with you. cuz im gonna go sleep in a sec lol im feeling sick to my lilttle stomcah

i cant wait to see you for X-mas im already getting exiceted i hope this makes you feel good that im writing you this email while trying to chillin with my friends there all making fun of me calling me whpped :(:(:( total not true lol cuz i own u memmba :p jk

cuttie i love u so much dont no what id do with out you and dont worry ill never break up with u promise. ok i promise i promise i promise :):):) i love u and im in love you. for now and forever i promise this to you.

i was on the net trying to find fucking pink sneakers and its getting hard lol. its not very easy at all. but im still gonna try untill i found them.,. i promise to you that i will find u some PINK sneakers ill fucking make them myself lol

i gtg now there gonna start pulling cords out the wall so ill call u tomrw moring as soon as i wake up

i love u babyface x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x

Its just a ringer in my head that won't turn off

Nothings right. Im feeling sour and low. And I feel like i just need to come up for a breath of air. I lost my hope, I lost my smile. I lost all reasoning that I had. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it doesn't get me anywheres. Everything is stacked up and falling down on me. I don't even know what to say. For once I can't convince myself I deserve better or that things will work out for the best. For once the postivity has drained out, Im dry.

My mind is always racing. I wonder, do other people think as much as me. I can't even shut the voices up when I am sleeping. How do I turn them off? I just need one moment to myself, one moment of silence. I sit on the bus and as the wheels turn so do the ones in my head. I have no a moment of rest. When I sleep I dream of M, I dream of things I wish would come true. I think about things I must do the next day. When I awake in the morning I have a mind spinning from the past dream. I sit here and think about Alex, a man who I don't even know, but I fantasy and I cry wondering why I don't deserve a chance. I could speak to him, but why risk the chance of blowing my cover, he'll see I am a fake , he'll let me down gently. It will be just another blow. You see I am a fantastic observer, I can see alot of things people can't. And I see he's in a world of his own, hes polite but distant, hes quiet and determined. Hes in school to learn and thats it, the second he steps out of the school his life starts up.Hes noticed me a few times, but has shown no interest. I dress to the tens, not matter what i wear his reaction is the same, he has no reaction. I am not making any impact nor, am I making his head turn.I push him out of my head and laugh. But the second I see him I gush all over again. Its silly. Its also ANNOYING.

I replay actions in my head, conversations talk to me in my head. Theres no switch to turn it off.When I go out with friends, Im still distracted by my thoughts, my fears and my worries.
Im just full of disappointments and disappointment can cause shatter affects. Im feeling the symptoms now.

the little bird told me

If my information is correct my loverboy's name is Alex. I asked a girl who was in his class what his name was. Hopefully we are thinking of the same guy. She also told me he has a baby, I think she said it was a girl. And that he is single and separated from the babys mother. Well I guess he's hands off now. He not going to want to start a relationship with a baby in his life. And if hes newly single that doesn't help either. He probably already has a alot on his plate and doesn't have room or want any more chances for stress. I am beginning to realize my chances are slim and I'm moving on.

I started a new class today. Business communications, its all about correct grammar, spelling, writing letters and memos. I have a spelling test on Thursday! Ha! I haven't had a spelling test ince like grade 5. I suck at spelling tho so I actually have to study! Im tryin to spot talking bad about people but i have alot of annoying people in my class. They just talk to much. One of the girls just talks through the teachers whole lecture. It gets on my NERVES!

I have begun walking again. I need to kick myself out the door. But once Im out I enjoy it. Its kind of a way to past time, work off some stress and get in shape. I seem to always start walking when it gets cold. I don't know why.

I also want to start volunteering somewheres. I'd like to help kids or old people. Maybe reading to them or tutoring. I was thinking about a soup kitchen. I used to volunteer at the hospital. I didn't care for it too much, the jobs I had to do sucked. I work in the hair salon "curly corner" and I had to go the patients rooms and bring them to the salon. I rammed a girl in a wheelchair into the wall and that was the end of that job. lol. Then i pushed a trolly of books around seeing if anyone want to read. Which no one ever did. It was quite boring.


I just did spell check and I actually spelt "Spelling" and "Grammer" wrong and like 15 more mistakes. This is gonna be a rough class. lol

Handbags finish an outfit.

I love purses, I usually buy one once a month
If I had money I'd buy a new one.
My top six purses/handbags.

Damnit!!!

He has no identity, just a look, a silolette, a tall dark figure. I seen my boy Alex, but he didn't seem to see me. I wandered the halls after my exam finished to try and bump into him. But he was still in class and didn't notice me. I waited in the student lounge for bit in hopes for him to come and sit down. I did see him while I was waiting for the bus. And I feel like I should of ran after him and said "excuse me, whats your name?" but then when would I say if he asked why I wanted to know. "Um well I see you in your class all the time and think your cute." He'd think I was crazy! But Im actually dreaming about this guy, invisioning him,and fantasying about him. He has taken over most of my thoughts.

My classmates think Im crazy...They call me the stalker lol. But Im not stalking. I think I just talk to much lol. They think Im obessed with this guy. I just want to have a chance to get to know him. I doubt I'll be in any of his classes. At least not the next one. I start business communications on Monday.

Im getting to the point where I just need to go up to him and ask him his name. Start some kind of conversation. Whats the worse he can do? "Tell me to F-off." Or tell all his friends Im weird and that I stalk him lol. Nah.. I mean if he has a girlfriend maybe I can be his friend. Its just that I never run into him, I usually only see him in his class. I need to do something, because Im gonna go crazy. If he had a girlfriend or wasn't into me that would be fine. But me just seeing him and wondering all the time about what would happen drives me nuts. I worry that if i wait too long I could lose the chance I had. Like I'd just rather know if something was going to happen or not. I hate waiting. I hate letting things happen. Maybe thats why love never works out for me. Becasue I don't just let things happen. I always have to make them happen, I can never wait and be patient. I tend to rush things and push things, maybe they shouldn't be pushed!

I need your help..What are some good conversation starters? Or can I just walk up to him and introduce myself. Realistically if a strange guy walked up to me and say "hi my names Ken" I'd
be alittle weirded out. Can I just ask him his name? Or maybe tell him I like his shirt. What should I do? I need to get some courage. If I knew he didn't have a g/f.Could I just say "Im Amanda did you wanna go out sometime." Isn't that really blunt. I mean he doesn't even know me. Or should I be straight forward and say. Hi I think your cute. We don't know each other but my names Amanda. I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime.Im not creepy or anything I'd just like to get to know you."

See Im losing it. Help me out. I need to do something monday!

Shopaholic

Amanda's Closet (pictures tomorrow!)

Jeans---> 16 Pairs
Cords--->4 Pairs
Dress Pants---> 7 Pairs
Boots---> 7 Pairs
Blazers ---> 5
Jackets--->5
Comfy Sweaters---> 15
Dressy sweaters---> 16
Blouses---> 6
Pj Pants---> 13 Pairs
Track Pants/ Sweat Pants---> 9 Pairs.
Skirts---> 15
Shorts---> 6
Tank Tops--->46 (!!)
Club Tops---> 35 (!!)
Long Sleeve Shirts---> 13
T-Shirts---> 21
Dressy Short Sleeve Shirts---> 12
Belts---> 13
Purses --->27
Dresses---> 4

Simply Complaining.

I've got alot of complaining to do. Its silly and trivia, but its bothering me. First of al Im getting fat all my dress pants are tight. Actually let me rephrase that, all my Black dress pants are tight. I hate black clothes lol. I barely have any. I feel like a bum at work. I feel fat. Loook at me weird, think Im crazy, but Im actually thinking about quitting over having to wear only black clothes. Ive got reasons.

* My black pants don't fix very well

* I just bought tons of dress clothes for school and none are black.

* I don't have any money to buy more black clothes.

Last night was so dead. There might of been 8 people who came into the store. No one bought anything. I was sooo bored, I wanted to to cry. It was my first night and I cleaned the store top to bottom, sweep and moped the floor. I dusted everything and bought out garbage and boxes. I know it was Halloween, but wow...I am sooo used to be on the go running around. I like it better when its busy. I noticed that it doesn't seem to get that busy. But I decided Im gonna suck it up and try it out for a while longer. It may get better. I only have 6 hours this week!!?I need more hours than that..FOR SURE!!

Alex was at school today, but I didn't run into him once. Im getting discouraged. Im actually looking for once and no guys seem to be paying attention to me. My ego's been hurting for a while. Im feeling like its silly to watch Alex. I don't even know his real name. I might not even like him. But I want to get to know him. But Im not even getting the chance to.I got a month left and then I have afternoon classes. I just feel like it somethings gonna happen it will, and it will fall into place. But I hate waiting and guessing. If nothings gonna happen then I wanna know.And I'll get over it.

Its a new day and I'm still holding a grudge.I was so mad last night.After work I call my mom to get her to pick me up. I wait on the phone while my dad, mom and sister fight over who will pick me up. I end up takin the because no one wanted to drive to the mall and get me. Its not the fact that I had to take the bus, Im a pro at that now. I was angry because my Dad chauffeurs my little sisters EVERYWHERES. On any given night he would drive them to the mall and end up picking on up at 9 and then the other at 9:30. I never get drives, I usually always find my own way. I feel like I get treated differently. Maybe its my fault for being so independant. But I get really bitter and resentful. My parents just say at my age I should buy everything, I waste my money, I should find my own drives,Im too lazy, I should help around the house more. But they seem to forgot that I have been paying for most of my stuff since I was 16. I payed for most of my prom dress and accessories, my grad pictures and gruduation fee. I have ben buying my school supplies and clothes since 16. My sisters who are 15 and 18 pay for nothing.Jessika my 18 year old sister just got a job last month. She doesn't pay for a cent. I pay board every 2 weeks, have been since I was 18. Grr..it just makes me made, because my sisters get everything, there spoiled.And I don't think I ever was.

Anways....enough lol.

A&W for lunch.

I am a Working Gal again. I got a job at the mall in a childrens store. It wasn't my first choice, but she gave me the job on the spot and she's willing to work around my school shedule which is great. So I took it. And plus Im broke. Beggers can't be choosers. The uniform is all black. I am a bright and cheery person, so I don't have much black. I had to buy new black comfortable shoes.Because all mine are high heel stiletos. lol can't be workin in those. And I had to buy black pants and tops. I hate black lol!

The boy Im crushing on was not at school today. I feel like a little kid in grade school. Me and Jerrica went to his class and looked on the door at the attendance sheet. We were tryin to find his name. We chose Alex. It seems to suit him. There are only 4 boys in the class dwayne (yuck) nick and I can't remember then other name. So we've been calling him Alex. I bet its not even his name. I get this huge grin when I see him, and giggle and blush. What a nerd lol.

Well I suppose I should go hem my pants and get ready for my first day of work.

I call him Alex

I don't even know his name, but like always I am interested in him , I catch myself watching him and so does everyone else. But He doesn't seem to notice me. This confuses me. I think I need to be louder make him see me. Next time I see him I will smile. A warm smile is always a good sign. How I can lay in my bed and dream about a guy I don't know, suprises me. This maybe a goner. They always are, I develope a crush and then the crush evoporates, I get bored. I throw it away.

Shiver me timbers.

Me and Terri.. Goofing around at Dooly's

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I SPY with my little EYE.

Bus boy hasn't been on the bus in two days. Im over him, the interest has faded over the days. It silly how fast my mind tumbles along.I do my best thinking on the bus, straing out the window I day dream and ease drop on conversations. I watch people read and eat and chatter with people in the seat infront of them.
I like to pretend I can read minds, but sometimes I fool myself and wonder if I really can. I look at people and imagine what they are thinking, its like I can hear their voice in my head, talking about their bad day and their growling stomach.

I spotted a cute guy at school. I don't think he has spotted my though.Ive seen him a few times around school.He very cool looking, but in a "I don't know that I'm cool" way.Again he doesn't look like the type I usually go for. But Im beginning to realize I don't know what type is my type. I know I like guys with dark hair, preferably curly. I know a lot of things I don't like in a guy. Facial hair is one. And he has a goatee. But it suits him. So I will bend for him. Im not going to stalk him or get someone to find out his name. I'll play it cool, keep my eye on him.And in due time we will bump into each other lol. I don't even know his name.

It sounds like Im boy crazy. Which I am not. I just notice people. Girls and Guys. I am an observer. And I noticed him, I noticed plenty other people. I see this girl all the time. I love her style, its very retro sugar girl. I always like to see her in the halls, to see whats she's wearing. I hope someone notices me and likes to see my everyday to see what I am wearing. What a compliment that would be.

Bus Boy.

I found a boy on the bus that interests me.Im not sure why. Hes quiet and he always clutches a tim hortons cup. I think coffee breath it digusting.Its the worst. He always has head phones on hie ears or around his neck. I wonder what he listens to. Today he sat infront of me. I leaned in closer to hear his music.Nothing. The back of his neck was smooth and hairless, a wonderful sign. Hes not really my type, well i mean the type of guy Im usually attracted too.But I can help but watch him, not in a creepy way. He has caught my eyes a few times. He was black chucks, jeans and a green jacket. This must be his daily uniform. My guess is he's 26.

Neck...

Ask me what my favorite part of the male body is and I will tell you the back of his neck. I always catch myself looking at the back of a guys neck. This can tell alot. I love the back of a man's neck.

*I believe if it is smooth and hairless he is trustworthy and passionate.
*If he has a trail of hair he is outgoing and heard to read.
*If it is hairy and messy he is reckless and unreliable.

Im weird I know.

North Country

Ive never been one to cry during a movie.Rarely does it happen. I hold it in, bit my lip and tilt my head back to keep the tears in.At the end of the movie I always run to the bathroom and cry,usually sobbing. Probably from having to hold it in. Don't ask me why. I guess I just hate crying in front of people.But I think Im so into the movie, my mind's reeling, my eyes are narrowed in, I don't want to cry and distract myself. So I always save it for the end.

I went to the theatres to see "North Country" with Charlize Theron.Im blown away. For once I feel almost speechless.I have never sat through a movie and felt so angered.My jaw aches from clenching my teeth. "Base on a true story" always gets me. You there some truth hidden in the movie. And you know in the end it will mean something. Well this movie left a dent on my heart. Its just crazy to think that say 15 years ago women could be treated like this. One women had so many problems on her plate, so many hardships to overcome.We watched her struggle and break down, but never give up.I don't know if I could be that strong if I was in that situation. I'd probably back down or just give up.

I love a movie that isn't about the glitz and glamour.No fancy affects, gorgeous customs or over the top pompous dialog. The movie was, based on facts and thats all it needed. I think the acting was phenomenal. What else can I say.The movie made me think.And I love to think. Go see it!

Did I go home and cry in the bathroom?Yes.

have u ever seen a green flower?

My kittens puking all over the floor. I have cleaned it up four times now. Its disgusting really slimy. Ewwww. I guess Im gonna go to the movies with Cat. Im so bored.I just wanna get out. All I thought about today was clothes. So I stayed away from the mall, so that I couldn't spend any money. I need to drop off some more resumes!Im having a sour day. I slept most of it and have been in my jammies all day, right now at 8:31 Im still in my jammies lol.

She Sells Sea Shells by the Sea Shore.

Im trying organized my documents, by making new folders and subfolders for my pictures and writing. We learnt this in school. Im taking computer fundamentals right now, I know most of what the teacher is teaching, but there are a few things that are new to me.

I am spending my loan money, Im throwing it left and right.I am so not budgeting. I need a job, I have 200 dollars left to last me until March. Ahhhh not gonna happen. I applied for unemployment, but I highly doubt I will be lucky enough to receive it. But whatever atleast I've tried.

I applied online to shoppers and a clothing store. And I dropped my resume off at an Art store. That would be a rockin job, it usually dead so I could work on home work, and draw.And I'd get a discount on art supplies.

I need to ease myself off restaurant food. I go out to eat too much and Im getting fatter. All the fat is heading straight for my tummy, my rolls are multiplying. I went to Don Cherry's tonight. My friends and I go out to eat alot, its one of our fave things to do. We get to socialize and eat.It gives us something to do, because there isn't always some thing to do here in Moncton. But it has to end lol. No more fast food or restaurants!And I mean it!

Its a rainy day ands my hairs not liking it.

I started to have this dicussion on another blog and it began to ring so true to me. We know that girls are or guys can be golddiggers. Using a guy for his money. But did you know that some girls (maybe guys too, but I'll stick to what I know) are with guys to make themselves feel better. You tend to see a really slender girl with a fat guy. On her own she feels fat and flawed. But with her fat boyfriend she feels better, she feels tiny. Sometimes you see a beautiful women with a unattractive man.And you think to yourself what does she see in him. Well she sees how much prettier she looks standing next to him. She can compair what she thought were her flaws to her boyfriend's flaws and she feels better about herself.

I can relate to this theroy, this way of thinking but I am not so overboard. I rarely go out with a guy skinnier than me. First of all nobody wants to cuddle with a stick, a girl wants big strong arms around her. I would feel so huge laying next to a tiny guy. I of course want to walk around with my boyfriend next to me and not have people see me as big compaired to him. I want to feel skinny, therefore I chose a guy bigger than me. Im not talking over weight, like some girls might choose. I mean he just has to be bigger than me.

Its funny how self concious we can be, we chose someone who makes us feel comfortable with our bodies.But if they knew what reasons were on our mind for chosing them, it would probably make them feel less comfortable with themselves.

Let me say one last thing. If I met a guy who was wonderful and sweet and smart and I liked him, I would go out with him if he was skinner than me. But most of the times, I look for guys who are bigger.Taller. And persue them.

"I think I'll wear my boobs tonight" quote curtsey of Joanne

Don't you just hate it when someone cancels on your last minute? Its ticks me off so much. I thought we had made plans last weekend, but cat finally called me back after i called her all week and emailed. She didn't feeling like going anymore. Shed rather stay home and do homework. She called at 7 olcock. I was quite annoyed. After doing some last minute scheduling we made it out none the less.

Where did we go?You know where we went lol. My oldest sister Gillian, Joanne and I headed to Miss Behaven at 9 olcock. To see Canadian Thunder! Male strippers. Im a newbie..Ive never seen any strippers lol.So I was expecting dirty guys gyrating on the stage to corny music. But..I was pleasantly surprised. Most of the guys wears smokin! They put on a stellar show. Mt favorite dancer was The human Vibrator. Man he did some moves that just rocked my world. All night ladies would pay 5 bucks to go on the stage and getting alittle dirty move done to them. Omg, some of these sex moves I have never seen before.Amazing lol.

Back'ne was our least favorite.We nicknamed him.Actually we were nicknaming alot of people. I walked in the mens bathroom to pee and he was washing his hands. His back was facing me and damn, it was cover in pimples. I yelled .."Damn" because it was gross. But he turned around and smiled. Yuck. He was so ugly lol.

I loved the crowd all the girls was dancing and screeching. Everyone was having so much fun. My voice is so horse this morning from all the screaming.There weren't too many older women, they were mostly our age.

One girl must of spent 100 and some bucks on these guys.She kept going on the stage. She always had this huge wedgie .She we named her "The Wedge". My sister caught one of the guys thongs and "The Wedge" begged her to let her smell the thong. Gross

Also there was a girl we named 'Hoops" for some reason she kept stating me down all night. It was creepy. She kept pointing to me. I have no clue who she was. I think she liked me. Or she liked my sexy man vest.lol Who knows. But "Hoops" starting giving me dirty looks when she caught me telling Joanne that she wouldn't stop staring at me.

By the second half of the show we made it to front row. He seem one penis and it was ginourmous!!! The guys would stand right over top of us there sweat was dripping on us. That wasn't cool. Kind of grossed me.

I'd say 9/10 night. I dont think I'd go again. I think Ive seen it all . lol

"These boots were made for walking...."

I've been typing all day in class my fingers grew some muscles I actually feel nauseated looking at this computer screen.After a long day of typing, I decided to go to the mall after school.I spent 200 dollars in roughly an hour?How can I do that?First of all this is money that I cant be spending. Argh I need a job. I made it walmart and I was stocking up on some much needed food when I get to the cash and it my bank card says "insufficient Funds" Argh I hate when that happens. I had money but its in my other account and I had to transfer money over and I only know how to do that on the computer. So to make a story short I am at home eating rice w/ soy sauce. Not bad..but not great. We have no food, amd my parents are gone away for the weekend.

I need a nap Im deathly tired! Tonight me and some girlfriend are suppose to be going to a strip club.Ive never been before so this should be interesting! Its male dancers and the lead dancers name is " Canadian Thunder!!!
Its gonna be sex-otic!!!!!!
Nap time.

Im not Cheap.. Im free... Hahaha...
so tired..One more day of school. Weekend. Yessir!

its just a phase.

Do I owe anyone any favors? No. Your girlfriends flat chested and shes doesn't like sex. She won't go down on you. What makes you think you can run to me to forfill your needs? Get a new girlfriend, or live with the one you have. Either way don't look at me to help you out.

I have seen first hand what guy's are like and Im scared to get a boyfriend. They are Basically all the same. [note there are a few exceptions.] They will stray if given the perfect chance.They will fool around and pretend like it was innocent. Tempt them and they will be tempted. So what am I wishing for? What am I begging for? Another reason to cry. A chance for someone to replace me. Guys are always looking. Its like testing driving an expensive car. They can't afford the car, but they will keep test driving it. And then turning around and going home to there old pick up.

I can tempt a taken boy, so any girl could probably temp my taken boy. Its that simple. I don't think anything lasts forever. It's a myth. Its a fairy tale we want to believe, one we search for. We pray that this one could be our forever. But he in most cases he rarely is. What is forever? A lazy word that everyone says to make there partner feel secure. "W'ell be together forever" I'll love you forever" "You'll be forever in my heart" But we say so many things that are scripted, its what the other person wants to hear. And we probably want it to be the truth. I seen forever in my eyes two weeks into the relationship. I meant it. Im not sure if he did. But he played a song with his words, plucking the cords of my heart. He knew it would hypnotize me, he knew it would capture me. Maybe at that moment he meant it. But it faded.And if it was really forever. Can forever fade?


I am not always so cynical and jaded. Tomorrow my hope will be back. Tomorrow I will be in love with love again. Today Im just thinking with the other half of my brain. We all do it some times. I am not depressed lol..so please don't comment that its sad or whatever. lol Its part of life, and at some point in your life your will agree with this post lol.

P.s girls can be just as bad..right break :(

Where my girls at?

Do you ever feel lonely when standing in a crowd of people? Thats what I felt like on Saturday. A group of us went to 02 as usual. The whole time I was there I was surrounded by friends and people I went to school with but I felt left out and lonely. I couldn't shake this feeling. It was like I knew I didn't belong, I was aching for something more. So I left. Took a cab home. The club scene is getting old for me. Or maybe its the people Im going with.

I was reading a Meghan's blog and she was discussing how harder it is to make new girlfriend then guy friends.And I agree.Girls seem to always feel there is a silent competition between other girls. And most girls get threatened by other girls. I was feel more comfortable with guys, partly because I felt girls always caused problems. Gossiping and whinnying. So much drama! Guys are completely different, they don't worry are fight about things as much.

But now Im missing hanging out with a group a of girls. I haven't had a girls night out in forever. I hang out with my girl friends one at a time. And i hang out with groups of guys. I find it so hard to met new girl friends.Im trying at school right now. And any girl I talk to, rattles on about there boyfriends. Most girls cant seem to function without one. Its quite annoying. My goal of the year is of course to graduation and get a good job. But I also would like to met some new friends. Hopefully make some close friendships.

I want to have a bunch of girls over and watch girly movies and have facials. I want to get all done up with my girls and go dancing all night. Im sick of sitting around watching hockey or being flirted with and touched.

Big Apple

You Belong in New York City
You're an energetic, ambitious woman.And only NYC is fast enough for you.Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer careerOr simply take in all the city has to offer







What City do you belong in?

SHAKE IT LIKE A SALT SHAKER!!

PARTY TONIGHT

Silly.

Your so misguided.If you only knew.Because I know. Ive seen it from both sides.I've treated every infection. It always comes back. You, always come back.

These and my face transforming pictures.They are sooo funny.
Ape
art...i actually like this one
Baby
Asian..Im hot.
I call this girl..LATISHA! HAHAHA. shes my favorite.
Old lady.