I found these entries saved on a disk. I thought I would share my life 4 years ago with you. Im still whinng about the same things. But my writing seems soo crisp.
December 17/2002
" Stood Up,Shoot Down"
At what point do you realize that you it's over?Most people make excuses, trying to find something to hold onto,find something that is still right and pure and then squeeze onto it.When your so empty inside you'll clutch onto anything and make up a reason why you shouldn't let go.But when you are so empty and you let this person fill your soul, how do you know when things are right and when they are wrong.All that matters to you is that you have something to ful-fill you something to ease the hunger.Though when times feel hard and you cry, you question yourself and you stop at the fork in the road.Which way do you turn? It's almost ridiculous, love that is.The only thing I truly yearn for is Love.And that is the I one thing that I have never felt.I am beginning to assume that I am to blame. I am at the point where I have no one else to blame but myself. I look around and everyone I see is in love or has been.They are all happy.And I am just struggling, hanging on by a thead.Is it because I am living in a fantasy? Is it because I am too demanding? Too controlling? Too unrealistic? Too un balanced and moody? I am trying so hard to understand what is wrong with me. Maybe I am just too dramatic too edgy.................??
All problems arise when I think things are beginning to go well. I was excited because fred and I planned to go out tonight.Basically the only night we could before he left for home for Christmas. And he called me telling his cousin stopped by unexpectedly and was staying the night, so he had to cancel.What a kick in the bum, I was extremely excited.And now I just feel stupid for getting all ready to hang out and he cancels like it was nothing.He tells me he's sorry with an unbelievable tone in his voice and it's not his fault.And he says we'll plan something before he leaves.Which won't happen. I feel as if he has no time for me, or atleast he never makes time for me. Possibly it's because of his priorities friends, partying, sleeping whatever else is more important. Fine, if that's the way he feels then all he has to do is tell me.Again I feel as if I am being lead on, just a pawn waiting to be moved.Things are always planned around his time.Begining a relationship with no affection and never see each other outside of work doesn't seem to promising. But I need this soo bad,that's way I am holding out.I think deep inside I am aching for this to work.I need it in my life.I feel so stupid for crying for him and getting too upset.I could be just a drama queen being selfish and wanting him all for myself.
I spend extremely too much time cooking up perfect scenes. Thinking I am living on a sitcom or in a romantic comedy, my plan never unfold and almost always happens the total opposite.I dream of spontaneity, romance, suprises,affection.
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Enrty 7 January3/2003
"stability"
Stable life?Is it possible to have a stable life? I have been summarizing my life trying to find something stable to hold onto and I am empty handed. My life is onlt a jumble of ordinary days and light as a feather dreams. To try and believe that my family and friends are stabilized and controlled is insane.
Anything I touch disappears, I guess it's a fact, I can not have any sort of routine or prediction. I am in a way like King Midtious everything he touches turns to gold.But everything I touch runs away. I don't have the nack to build bonds and secure relationships. I have never had a serious boyfriend, or keep a best friend. It must just be my personality, it's the way my mind works. I have this perception in my mind of how things in my life should turn out, how people should play certain roles. And I am usually disappointed with my unrealistic dreams.Why is it I can never hold onto a person? In the end sooner or later we lose touch and they leave me.
I have so much to give but it seems no one wants my charity.Once I began to understand my life and figure out the world I loss myself and I am gone.It happens in seconds and passes in hours. I confuse myself with imperfections and the making of the world.You may now understand or figured out that I am generalizing everything on the basis of Fred and I's relationship, Though it's only one thing, it is a true reflection of my lonely life. It's slowly breaking me down, just like love does everytime. It changes me and I kick myself for ever believing that I would be lucky enough to fall in love and have love fall back in love with me.
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