dreamless

overcooked. spun out. anxious. over-reacting. suspious. fearful. disappointed. baffled. wide awake. sarcastic. outrageous.

Date!

I had a date last night! A real, honest to goodness date last night! My last dates consisted of making out, fighting, and drinking. My friend from school Jerrica set me up with her Brother. We had a double date. Movies and Dinner. Final Destination 3 was the movie. It was horribly gory, which meant leaning in closer to Donnie. Our knees touched, arm arms touched. His hand grazed my knee. There was minimal conversation. Spurts through out the night. But we all joked around a lot, and laughed a lot. I was nervous. More nervous because it was like I was on a date with 3 people, instead of one. Jerrica was always looking over to see if we were touching, or talkin, or having fun.

At Dinner, he rested his hand on my knee. It sent chills up my body. I held his hand under the table. It felt so great because things were just happening. Because I had butterflies, I was actually nervous. And I did not find anything wrong with him. I was content. Which never happens. I am giddy. I can't stop thinking about him. But I am worried. Because I am admitting I like him therefore jinxing myself into a failed relationship. I felt the signs . I was getting the vibe. But I talked to Jerrica online and she didn't mention anything. Which has to be a bad sign. And Im too scared to ask her what donnie thought. I don't want to get a bad response. So I am sort of going nuts. Im scared for once. Is it because I am not in control? For once maybe I won't be the one who has to hurt someone. Im the one waiting, and wondering and wishing.
It feels horrible lol.

P.s He paid for everything. Wow. What a gentleman!!!

Sweet Cherry Pie

Lady of The night.

Enjoy.

Im too tired to write.

Just went on a random driving trip alllll OVER moncton!

Night

...........................................

I smell so good. I can't stop smelling myself. I was laying in bed watching "Grey's anatomy", and I keep lifting my arms to my nose, the smell has lasted a few hours now. I put this lotion on after my shower. It smells like baby powder and flowers. Its relaxing me. Which is surprising, because Im never relaxed.

I shouldn't write about things that I have nothing to talk about. And maybe I ginx myself to set myself up for failure. But I get passionate and excited and I can't keep quiet. I can never keep quiet. I like to talk things over, or write things over, either way I need to get them out.
I am actually thinking in my head whether or not I should divulge my information. I don't want to get ahead of myself. I always do. All I think I am going to say is a relationship or actually a courtship may be setting its self up. Its in the works and hopefully it will follow through. Because the clouds are parting just thinking about this new opportunity.

In other news I did not get student of the module. (Pretty much student of the class) I've been stepped over. Melissa got it, and yes she was in the running. I knew it would come between the two of us. She knew what she was doing. She had 1 mark higher than me.!!!

I m not sure what it came down to, maybe it was my attendance, I missed two days. Or maybe she liked Melissa better. But I was so confident, I was so positive that the award was coming to me. I helped Gladys everyday, I even skipped breaks to help her. I understood the material, some parts even better than my instructor. I rarely asked questions, because I learn better when I figure it out on my own.
I feel cheated. I feel like I try so damn hard and I never get recongized. I am slowly giving up.
And I should give up, because strong people who achieve everything they want just don't give up. But Im frustrated and angry. I should be happy for Melissa she worked hard. I've had perfect attendance and that didn't help. But for this class my perfect attendance might of been my saving grace. And I could be in all my glory. But who's to say any of that matters. I fear I will never accomplish my short and embarrassingly stupid list of things I want done in my life.

Value Village

$5.00 purse. I love it!

I haven't used it yet I saving it for warmer weather. Plus I just bought a new purse!

Im seeing Red.

Im the most boring person to talk to on msn. I don't believe in hello or goodbyes.So I usually start off with "whats going on" or I just jump right into a conversation. But I usually don't have much interesting to say. Things are new with me, but not nessarily captivating to talk about. Alot of my answers are used with the diverse slang "lol". Or "haha". Even if it isn't funny I laugh, even if Im not really laughing I say lol. I usually have nothing else to say so I fill the void with either of the two.

Valentine's Day does nothing for me. I don't even really think about it, and I only do when people ask me "Did you get anything? Are you lonely?" NO and NO. I would much rather get a bouquet of flowers on a random day as a surprise. First of all I would be surprised and second I would be the only one with flowers. Today everyone has flowers. Some people I am sure, even bought them for themselves. But hey, whatever floats your boatIt was like a garden of red roses in my school. Roses are soo over-done. Don't ever get me red roses for any occasion. Today is Tuesday in my eyes. Pizza Day. Thats it.

I am going to see BrokeBack Mountain tonight. I've been dying to see it for the past months. I've heard rave reviews from my friends. I bought cherry twists and strawberries to snack on. I always sneak food into the theatres. I'll be damned if Im gonna pay 10 bucks for a bag a popcorn. I bought a small cup of Kool-Aid. It cost almost $5.oo. I could of went to walmart bought a package for 39 cents.Made it at home and poured it into a water bottle. CHEAP CHEAP. I don't think I'd go that far, though. But I do usually bring goldfish or candies. I need to be chewing on something!

One time at the movies, I think it was "The Ring" I was on a date with Fred and down the isle from us, about 5 seats away were these 3 Big girls. Normally I wouldn't call them Big. Because what does it matter if they are fat. But it plays apart in this story. I started to smell something really delish. I assumed they had a pizza. There is a pizza hut booth at the theatres, but I never actually seen anyone eat pizza before. I turned to look and to my amazment they had a container of left over lasanga. No word of a lie. Another girl lugged out a 2 litre Bottle of pepis and started pouring into three plastic cups. All through out the movie they keep reaching into there Bookbags and pulling out chips and popcorn in ziplock baggies. These were the massive like freezer bags. No one told on them. I guess they didn't want to get in the way of these ladies and there food. To me it was soo funny. I've never seen anything like that before.

I am employed but I never work. Last week I worked 4 hours. This week zero. Who knows what next week will hold. My guess, 4 hours or under. I have been looking around for a new job. Which is such a hassle, I hate job searching, and applying. And then training. And then being the new girl for 4 months. Blah...!!! I have two baby showers and like a dozen different wedding events to go to. Which, of course, all need present. And no money. Plus I need new dress clothes. Money Money. I need a money tree.

Back in the day I was a smaller girl who pouted.

I found these entries saved on a disk. I thought I would share my life 4 years ago with you. Im still whinng about the same things. But my writing seems soo crisp.


December 17/2002
" Stood Up,Shoot Down"

At what point do you realize that you it's over?Most people make excuses, trying to find something to hold onto,find something that is still right and pure and then squeeze onto it.When your so empty inside you'll clutch onto anything and make up a reason why you shouldn't let go.But when you are so empty and you let this person fill your soul, how do you know when things are right and when they are wrong.All that matters to you is that you have something to ful-fill you something to ease the hunger.Though when times feel hard and you cry, you question yourself and you stop at the fork in the road.Which way do you turn? It's almost ridiculous, love that is.The only thing I truly yearn for is Love.And that is the I one thing that I have never felt.I am beginning to assume that I am to blame. I am at the point where I have no one else to blame but myself. I look around and everyone I see is in love or has been.They are all happy.And I am just struggling, hanging on by a thead.Is it because I am living in a fantasy? Is it because I am too demanding? Too controlling? Too unrealistic? Too un balanced and moody? I am trying so hard to understand what is wrong with me. Maybe I am just too dramatic too edgy.................??
All problems arise when I think things are beginning to go well. I was excited because fred and I planned to go out tonight.Basically the only night we could before he left for home for Christmas. And he called me telling his cousin stopped by unexpectedly and was staying the night, so he had to cancel.What a kick in the bum, I was extremely excited.And now I just feel stupid for getting all ready to hang out and he cancels like it was nothing.He tells me he's sorry with an unbelievable tone in his voice and it's not his fault.And he says we'll plan something before he leaves.Which won't happen. I feel as if he has no time for me, or atleast he never makes time for me. Possibly it's because of his priorities friends, partying, sleeping whatever else is more important. Fine, if that's the way he feels then all he has to do is tell me.Again I feel as if I am being lead on, just a pawn waiting to be moved.Things are always planned around his time.Begining a relationship with no affection and never see each other outside of work doesn't seem to promising. But I need this soo bad,that's way I am holding out.I think deep inside I am aching for this to work.I need it in my life.I feel so stupid for crying for him and getting too upset.I could be just a drama queen being selfish and wanting him all for myself.
I spend extremely too much time cooking up perfect scenes. Thinking I am living on a sitcom or in a romantic comedy, my plan never unfold and almost always happens the total opposite.I dream of spontaneity, romance, suprises,affection.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Enrty 7 January3/2003

"stability"

Stable life?Is it possible to have a stable life? I have been summarizing my life trying to find something stable to hold onto and I am empty handed. My life is onlt a jumble of ordinary days and light as a feather dreams. To try and believe that my family and friends are stabilized and controlled is insane.
Anything I touch disappears, I guess it's a fact, I can not have any sort of routine or prediction. I am in a way like King Midtious everything he touches turns to gold.But everything I touch runs away. I don't have the nack to build bonds and secure relationships. I have never had a serious boyfriend, or keep a best friend. It must just be my personality, it's the way my mind works. I have this perception in my mind of how things in my life should turn out, how people should play certain roles. And I am usually disappointed with my unrealistic dreams.Why is it I can never hold onto a person? In the end sooner or later we lose touch and they leave me.
I have so much to give but it seems no one wants my charity.Once I began to understand my life and figure out the world I loss myself and I am gone.It happens in seconds and passes in hours. I confuse myself with imperfections and the making of the world.You may now understand or figured out that I am generalizing everything on the basis of Fred and I's relationship, Though it's only one thing, it is a true reflection of my lonely life. It's slowly breaking me down, just like love does everytime. It changes me and I kick myself for ever believing that I would be lucky enough to fall in love and have love fall back in love with me.

im really fake.

since when has black and blue looked so good?

Laura (my youngest sister) has now jumped on the bandwagon. Her and Jessika both feel superior because they have boyfriends. And because I am single therefore I am jealous. First of all I rarely get jealous, its just not an emotion I contain. I was happy for Laura, excited when I found out her and Brad got together. And now she walks around likes she's Queen, looking down on me. Maybe she should concentrate on her life and relationship and not worry about me.
I never even say things to make myself look jealous. And if I do say something its just the truth.I suppose the sayings right, truth hurts.

All I said to Laura the other night was in responds to what to get Brad for V-day. I told her too many people go all out buying presents like its Christmas. I said it shouldn't be about the presents. She snaps at me "Your just jealous because you don't have a boyfriend." What the hell? I am flabbergasted everytime they say that to me. Someone has brain washed them. You don't need a boyfriend to complete you or make you happy. And maybe part of me wants to prove that. At this point I want left out of there relationships, because I don't need to but put down for whatever motive they have. Obviously it makes them feel better about themselves and there relationship.Or I hit a nerve with them in whatever I say. But there relationships leave little to be jealous about. And I suppose saying that makes me sound jealous. Thats there only defense. If they are happy, thats wonderful, but don' t think I am going to settle. I don't want OK, or just happy, or cute. I want it all, and more.

I now know why I rather be alone, because I can't deal with other peoples bullshit anymore. I feel like just leaving, running away, being alone. No more stories, put downs and screwed up lives. No more difficult friends, who I have to beg to hang out with or make plans and cancel at the drop of a hat. Just me, completely me. Sort of scary, but less of a headache.

I can pretend like it doesn't hurt, but it does. Knowing that my sisters pity me and look down on me because of my dating status.

I owe you the sunshine.

I paid a visit to Value Village with my little sister last night. Usually, buying clothing that someone has worn grosses me out. But I see so many people find "steal of a deals" in second hand stores, I thought I would give it another go. I never have luck. Probably because I hate digging and I get quivers touching the clothes. I found an adorable handbag, its yellow and looks very designerish. [I will post a pic] And I bought a flower dressy top. Very cute. Total- 13.00. There was one women in the fitting room next to mine trying on Bras. Gross. Someone elses TaTa's were nestled in that Bra. Sweaty Tata's. Double gross.

Laura of course found like 7 tops. All very 80's/emo. Just looking at the clothes reminded me of the 80's. What a Fab time. I have fond memories. Back in the day I had a Cabbage Patch doll. Oh she was my morning glory, my sweet baby. Until one day my mother gave her away to the salvation army. I cried every night for my Black Cabbage Patch Doll. I used to feed her ceral, she has this hole in her mouth where the soother was supose to go, but I would stick milky rice crispies in the hole. What a rank smell that turned into. Any time I step into a second hand store, I keep a look out for Ella-May.I keep hoping she will find her way back to me. But I am guessing after 16 years she's pretty tattered and spoiled. I probably wouldn't even recongizine her or want to touch her for that matter.

All I have been thinking about is clothing. I need to start investing in more business clothing, seeing that I will be needing it soon. I can't wait to get a job where I can wear suits and skirts and look all pretty. And after work I would get together with the girls, still in our sexy business attire and go to a classy bar and drink a martini. That would be the life. Im kind of sad, because I need to lose my pouch before I buy anymore clothes. I have a muffin top and its depressing me. But Im just to lazy to exercise, and I love food.

I had a total break out of monster zips on my chin. I am so self-concious of the kids. I know everyone sees it. Before they would stare about my boobs, but now all the attention is on the massive zips. I have been putting cream on them and they have shrunk down, but there still gross.Speaking of gross, as we (meaning the bus) pulled into the school this morning, there was a car parked in the front of our school. And two people who shall remain nameless, were shameless making out. Get this, they are like 35. Everyone on the bus had a clear view of them and it was probably was the last thing I wanted to see first thing in the morning. Atleast park your car around the side, for your quick make-out session.Or just never kiss each other again, that would save the hassel.
My cat Ice is sitting next to me. Hes my lap dog, he follows me everywhere. I think he hates when Im on the computer, because its usually really late, and he wants to go to bed, but can not go without me. So he sits next to me and sulks. Its soo cute. He adorable. I love him this much <--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

New Purse... Bronze/goldish color!

Jolly Rancher Martini

WeekEnd Recap.

My Friday night was pretty much planned, but dickhead Joey cancels last minute yet again, we had to re-arrange our night. Thats probably one of my biggest pet peeve. Why cancel last minute. Why couldn't he called and said he didn't feel like going out anymore? He's seeing s girl so is life pretty much revolves around her. Sad. Im giving up on him for now. Obviously friendship is lower on his priority list.

Cat, Joanne and I, had a Gals night. Had I known we were gonna just have a ladies night, I would of liked to get all dolled up. We went to Moser's for a late supper, and then bar hopped, getting drinks here and there. I guess the men heard us coming, because every bar we walked into was bare? Where were all the men? I have no clue. I suppose sitting at him cuddling on there couch with there girlfriends.

Anyways the night was random. And you all know how much I love random.

Saturday was a busy day for me. I did like 4 loads of laundry and cleaned my room. Cooked dinner. Then my mom and I took a trip to the mall. I wanted a new purse desperately. I was sooo bored of my lastest one. I've had it since Christmas. I usually get a new one, once a month.
I bought two new sweater too. I was dieing to buy some clothes.

That night I went downtown with Kayla, a friend from school to see a play. It was called.
"I love you, your perfect, NOW CHANGE." It was hilarious. I loved the play. We had pretty horrible seats in upper balcony. And I had this old man with a fat head sitting in front of me.And he kept moving. I wanted to slap him so hard.

The play was about , dating, sex, relationships, marriage, in-laws, divorce, babies, and death. There were 4 actors, 2 guys and 2 girls. There were about 20 some different scenes, in which they played different characters each time. It was really funny and very truth full. Talked about how awkward first dates are. Debating whither to have sex and when. 1, 2, 3rd date? There was a funny scene, my favorite one actually about getting a lawyer for sex. "Did you ever want to sue some one for not sexually satisfying you?" You could hire a lawyer to come to your bed room and work everything out. What she would and wouldn't do and what he would and wouldn't . And then, there was a this couple saying testimonies. One women said I received 5,000 because he missed my G-spot. And the man said, I received 10,000 because she wouldn't go down on me. The crowd roared.!

The play was quite delicious!I was very impressed. I headed home around 11:00 and watched some Mad tv. And then it was lights out around 1 am.

Today, Sunday. Ive been just relaxing. Mom and I ran over to Wal mart. Her favorite place to shop. She goes there EVERYday. We had to pick up some items for our upstairs bathroom. We are renovating it. Its starting to look really good. I also bought two more tops. A tube top to go with my new sweater and PRETTY pink shirt. I don't know where i get the money. Seeing that I work like 10 hours a week.

4:30..looks like its nap time for me.

:)

The day the world cried.

You answer the phone and its your loved one, their voice is muffled and sobbing. They tell you they have just called to say good bye and to tell you they love you. Just thinking of this bring goosebumps done my spine. I can't even fathom it. The only thing connecting you two is the phone line, you can't reach out and touch them, all you can say is everything will be alright. How hopeless do you feel. It has to be past hopeless, knowing they are going to die and theres nothing anyone can do about it.

I just watched "Flight 93" the movie about flight 93 that was highjacked on September 11.

I shut my eyes and I can see that day.September 11. I was in school when I heard about the plans crashing. Actually everyone was running around. I remember Joey yelling, theres a bomb, planes are crashing. We are going to die. Every room with a TV was filled. Students crying, people in disbelief.

Watching the movie, just made it 100 times more real. I don't even know what to say. I cried so hard during the movie, I sobbed, I was a mess. And then I cried in the shower. I cried for the people who died. I cried for there families left behind, for there unborn babies, for the country and I cried for the world. I know it has been a while, but its a tragedy. One that will never be forgotten.