This is the game I play, the closer I get to a relationship the faster I wanna run away. Im terrified and I'll never admit it, though I just did. At this moment Im starting things with a guy and Im feeling so overwhelmed, like I can't breath, I can't think straight. And hes being so nice, overly nice, feeding me lines.
Hes trying to crack me open. But He'll never understand me. No one will. Ok I am p.m.s.ing a little bit, but thats no excuse, I was unbelievly cold to him when we hung out. I kept pushing him away literally.I felt like he was invading me, not just my space, but my life. I told him he wasn't my boyfriend , so he shouldnt keep trying to cuddle with me. Its like I do these things to get a reaction, saying things to make guys mad or sad. I say things and do things to make him not like me. Because I am scared to take the chance, im scared to move forward. I fall fast and I always fall hard. So I decide to control the situation and push them away, make them hate me.
But you know what when Im alone, I feel fine, I think about him and daydream. And wish to be in his arms and hear his laughter.
My heart won't forget the days of the past. And Im left haunted by him, though my feelings have subsided he still ruins everything. I need someone to fix me. Someone who can starighten me up and take the time to work through me. Hes out there.
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Hey this is Amy.. I read your blog every now and then through Melanie's. I just wanted to comment on this post because it hit home. That's how I am/was. The one guy you thought was 'it' broke your heart and you're scared to put in effort to try again because of the heartache. I sooooo totally understand. It's hard to get over that too. I still sometimes do it now with my current boyfriend. One day though, you'll find a guy that won't give up no matter how hard you push.. and he'll knock that protective shell down. I promise. :) Come and visit me sometime if you'd like.
http://www.xanga.com/babygurl1285
I'm the same with relationships. I really find it difficult to be emotionally intimate with anyone. It takes time, these things.
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