Whoa bare with me on the lenght. brain fart!!

When I look back, I see how naive and forgiving I was. I lived in a dream, I believe that if I want something or someone enough that I could grasp it in my hands. After Mark and I broke up, we went months without talking. I knew what to expect, I've seen it all before.I just hoped it would be different I believed in him so much I thought I could change the situation. I guess I wasn't naive then, I was just completely stupid. I never regret things I have done, because everything happens for a reason and what we chose to do with them is what really matters. And I have learnt and I have grown. But neither retrospect or knowlegde would stop me from doing it again. Mark and I began talking online probably 6 months after we broke up. It was sweet and it captivated all my attention. He swallowed me up in his first sloppy sentence. We were friends, but playing lovers games. We spoke every night.We dug deep into the past and share our problems. I felt so close to him again and his friendship meant the world to me. I wanted more, but I wasn't selfish.I would settle for what I had. Later on we began talking on the phone. His voice enchated my all over again. I'd giggle at the way he said certain words and his silly ghetto lingo. I guess thats when I began to dream. I never stopped dreaming about him actually, but now the dreams were real. Vivid. And I knew I could control them.

Silly girl. He wanted to see me. And looking back on it, that was the truth, he missed me, he was craving me. But there were so many barriers surrounding us, blocking us. The connection was still there, it never faded.It was the world that was holding us back. So I agreed to go visit him. It was about a 5 hour drive on the bus. I was ecstatic! I won't lie, In my heart I had ideas, I had hopes, but my brain grounded me. Mark had mentioned a girl, they had been hanging out.Nothing serious. He invited his friend greg, who I was pretty close with to help with the awkwardness. The trip was long but wonderful.Greg picked my up from the bus spot in Lower sackville and drove me to Marks.

We went to his work to met him there.I stood outside. I knew that the girl he liked or was sort of seeing worked there and they didn't want me to see her. It was clear to me. He told me about Jaime. He said they had been hanging out.They were not serious. They were not a couple. They were friends, she liked him.And he didn't know what he was feeling. So right there I knew it would be a little rocky. Don't ask me why I thought things would be smooth in that aspect.

Anyways I waited there, fixing my shirt. I had to look great for my first appearance, he hadn't see me in months. He strutted out.He was nervous I could tell by the expression on his face. He smiled. He was careful not to get to close. It was awkward in the sense that I wasn't too nervous but he was. So I pulled away not to look to desperate to see him. We drove to his place in pretty much silence. But once we were in his apartment and settled we were all at ease. We rented movies and got some liquor. I guess we all needed some liquid courage. From then on was a blurr. I got a little wasted.Trying to show off that I could could drink with the boys.. Mark had never seen me drunk or really drinking. I wanted to impress him. I remember getting closer to him and hugging him.

Then he put me to bed. I got up dizzy and drunk and seen female clothes on the floor. I threw them out the window. Haha..They were probably jamies. I guess I kept saying, whats that girls name..the one with the boys name. Jeffrey. lol. He came into the room and I couldn't remember anything else. I believe we had sex, but I probably passed out on the guy. I woke up feeling sick and I was wearing different undies and a top. And on the floor was a condom.Used. I asked him about it but he denied it. I am not sure why. Maybe he felt angered by my passing out episode. He blabbed on about seeing jamie, and i was just in love with him.This made me angry.Why would he lie. The evidence was on the floor. We of course fought. The day was long. I spent more time with greg. It was pretty eventless.

That night he asked if I would like to met Jaime. Why was I soo stupid? Why did I feel the need to put myself through deliberate pain. I said sure. I was trying to be his friend, remember. I know the only reason why he invited her was to make both of us jealous. In all honesty she looked like trailer trasher.She was loud and swore to much.She smoked and was rude. This was not the type of girl mark usually fell for. My guess is he's was lonely.And she was fun to be around.I was so kind ot her.I made her drinks and tried to initiate conversation. She pretty much ignored me. The night was horrible. I did my best to play the part of a happy sweet ex girlfriend. How messed up is that. But it was the most awkward situation. Why would I want to be with my ex whom I was still in love with and watch him with another girl. We we went to the clubs and I showed him. I danced with every guy I seen. He spent most of the night looking for me. We didn't talk much.Jamie kept him away from me most of the night. She obviously didn't like me. Even tho I went out of my way to be nice to her. Im just like that. When I should be mean I can't.

We got back to his apartment and I growled at him, telling him I didn't want her to spend the night. But she had to, he said, she lived 30 mins away. And he had been drinking he couldn't drive her home. He promised me they'd sleep on the couch. One on each end. Again looking back on it. I had no right to tell him what he could do.And he didn't have to listen to me.But he did. But why would we put each other through this. I spent the night crying in Gregs arms. I made myself sick thinking about them. I was in a horrid mood in the morning. I hid in his bedroom until atleast 12. Because I didn't want to confront her. And I didn't want to see something I'd regret.When I finally crawled out of my hole she was gone.
I think we went out to eat and to the movies. The day was weird. I was holding onto a string.I didn't want to flip at him. We fought a bit, and I hid in his room writing and crying. Greg decided to leave to let us have some time alone.

We layed on his bed for hours talking. I told him how I felt. He told me how he felt. I knew him like the back of my hand.And everything I guessed or thought was right. He wanted to make me jealous.I told him that Jaime wasn't right for him. He shouldn't just use her to cure his loneness. I even told him I thought she was trailer trash.He laughed so hard. But he told me, I was right. I was always right.Sometimes that made him so mad. But he still loved me, he always would. He knew Jaime wasnt right for him.It was just fun. The conversation we had was so truthful and so blunt. It made me happy to have trust in him.I know that if we lived in the same city we would of gotton back together. But we didn't and we talked about that. We remember all the good times we had. All the funny memories.

The rest of the night we watched movies together.Semi cuddling, i think we were both scared to cross any boundaries. It was so comfortable was aching for him. We cuddled all night. I missed the smell of him. I missed the way he held me. Those 13 hours or so were some of the best hours of my life. And it made the horrible weekend worth the pain.

I just wonder why my love is so strong and his wasn't. I would walk through fire. I'd do anything.And that weekend proved it.I'll never know what I was thinking, but I guess love makes you do crazy things. Its like a spell that hes cast on me. After that weekend we still talk.But it slowly faded.