I feel older.

Sometimes I feel so alone, I turn on the washer to hear something move and make noise. At times I hear a voice in my head she hushes me into insanity, and sometimes she disappears and I'm left talking out loud. I don't know whats worse.
The house is so quite, my cats must be sleeping. I looked around my room, its chactic, clothes strewn everywheres. I buy clothes to fill the dreams in my mind.But most times theres no special occasion to wear them, no special someone to strut for.
I want to climb back in bed and dream. But theres so much to be done. I work hard for my days off, but theres no time for rest.

I have plans tonight, ones which I feel I must forfill. I have been ditching Joanne for weeks.She asks me every weekend to go clubbing with her and Im never in the mood. I am still not in the mood. But I feel like Im not being a good friend. So I will go. What will I wear? For me if Im not dressed well enough it affects my moods. I need to feel like I look go or it could ruin my night. I guess that sounds rather vain or trivial, but its the truth. I think its becasue I am a very visual person, I see my moods in what I am wearing. And Of course I want to look hot, theres no denying that. I don't try and "pick up" at clubs, but getting some attention is always a great feeling.

For a while now I have been getting sick of clubbing. I could name a lot of things I'd rather be doing. Sleeping, eating or watching t.v Sounds boring. But for me its has become too much of a hassle. It takes hours to get ready, picking out an outfit, doing you make up and hair, then u go drink at someones house and pay for a cab there and back. And the place is always soo packed, and too many drunk dirty people. And theres always a fight with a friend or guy. And I m usually sick the next day and I work early in the morning. Theres just too many negatives and not enough positives. But once in a while I have a stellar time and its etched in my memories forevere. Hopefully tonight will be one of there nights.