he's a lamp and Im the table.

My head hurts, I have been working on my 25 page exam review for the past hour. Plus I have been working on good new/ bad new letters all morning. Im so sleepy, I just wanna go home and crawl into my bed with my cat and sleep for the rest of the day. Its funny I washed some clothes on Friday and set them all my bed, and I have been sleeping with them piled up on the bottom of my bed for the past 5 days. I am such a slob, my room is trashed, even my bed is filled with make up brushes, homework and clothing.

Not much has been happening in my life since my last posting. I feel so drained, physical but more mentally than anything. I have been fretting over Alex, and I feel powerless. Though I hold all the power in my hands, I could easily walk up to him and talk to him. But I feel pathetic and scared. I feel like every day I go home and work up the courage all over again for the next day, just to be disappointed again.
I feel like giving up, but then I see him walking down the hall and I get butterflies. Its all soo silly and so juvenile. Hes has over taken my head, my dreams. And I have no control. Maybe he is just something to help spice up my dull life, give me something to talk about, and something to look forward to.

supose we fell in love.

My Kitty ice giving me a kiss.
Me. My arms look like giant hams lol.!!!

Kanye

SUPER TIRED

Post Number 200! Excellent

My cat is accident prone.
He is two years old.fixed and Declawed ($160)
broke his hip

Cut his eye ($100)
---------------------
860 so far!!

And now he cut his head. I have no idea how. But it won't heal. I think he keeps picking at it. I have no money to bring him to the vet AGAIN. So I bandage him up myself. He keeps trying to take it off. But it needs to heal. Its been about a week and its not better.!!!Argh

The women who doesn't wash her hair wasn't on the bus today. It would probably take all day to wash her hair. Lets hope tomorrow she will come with freshly washed hair.

I seen Alex a few times. I think I like playing this game. Having something to look forward to. Someone to talk about and day dream about. Maybe that's why I won't talk to him. I don't wanna burst my bubble. If I never ask I'll never know, therefore I can keep dreaming because there still the possibility. Who knows. My mind is silly.

I've been looking for signs. But my signs aren't even really signs they are just life. So what if he walked by me.And if I seen him 3 times today. But Its fun to think that these signs might really mean something. Again it adds a little spice to my mundane life.

Im gonna hum my way to your heart. Im gonna bake you cookies and smile as you eat them.

GHETTO BUBBLE BLOWER.



Bus thoughts..Random ones at that. (note this is what I think in my head while I ride the bus. Nothing is censored.)
- Damn she looks like a sausage stuffed into that jacket.
- I wonder if I put on too much perfume. I hope I don't smell too much. I hate it when people bath in there perfume/Cologne. Its gross and makes me sick. I hope Im not one of those people today.
- HA, she didn't get her seat. Shes gonna freak. Why is she breathing so hard. She must of ran so that no one would take her seat. Ha sucks to be you.
-I wonder if hes married. He looks like a married man.
-Please don't sit next to me. Please keep walking. Please Please Please..... Yes!
-I am soo tired.I don't know why that guy keeps staring at me. Damn I must be looking good!
- Someone smells really bad. I wonder who it is. Ewww. I can't breath.


Every night I tell myself tomorrow will be the day I make contact with Alex. I will bump into him, I will say hello. I say this will be the day that something happens. A sign will be shown. A chance will appear. But everyday nothing.
So I decided tomorrow will not be the day I talk to Alex. I won't say hello, I won't bump into him.And he won't even look my way. The chance will not happen. the sign will not be there. Tomorrow will not be the day. Maybe I need some reverse psychology. Or maybe I need to give up to get my chance. Things always happen when you least expect them to. When your not looking. They surprise you. Well guess what Im ready to be surprised.


Ewww theres this women who takes my bus every morning. She's loud. She rants and raves about everything. Talks about her grandchildren like there Elstien and the President. She annoys me to no end. She has this raspy loud voice. And she laughs like some wild animal. Anyways. Two weeks ago she got her hair done at the hairdressers for a Christmas party. Now he was soo busy that he had to do her hair 4 days before her party. But I guess she was fine with that. She wore her hair in this fancy up-do for 4 days. Alright alittle gross, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyways Monday rolls around and she comes waltzing on the bus with her hair still in this up-do. Well oh mine thats gross. Its now day 6. I have been keep track everyday and guess how many days she has gone without taking it out and with out washing it obviously.????!!! GUESSSSSS!!




15 DAYS! She hasn't washed her hair in 15 days. EWWWWW!!!Her hair is all matted , her bangs are stuck to her forehead. And honestly her once whiteish/ grey hair is now a brownish yellow color. Im soo grossed out!! Who doesn't wash there hair for 15 days!!!!!!!!!!!! Lets see how long this countdown goes on for.

Get out of my Way.

I am in a rotton mood, you wouldn't want to cross paths with me. And its a shame because people have been trying to talk me and I can't mustard enough spunk to be nice to them. It started off because my mother would not pick me up after my exam. She worked the night shift last night. I told her I'd be finshed between 9:30 and 10. But she said she would be sleeping. I called her again at 10 when I finally made it to the mall and she was still awake. She still wouldn't pick me up. She said she was just seconds away from going to bed. I could feel my blood boiling. Steam was pouring out of my ears. I spent alomost 2 hours on the bus, but if my mother would of picked my up it would of been 15 minutes.

The whole time on the bus I was jumpy, I was hoping that we might be able to catch my transfer in time, but we didn't. I hate old people. The bus driver was old. He had to stop and check is lotto tickets, and then stratch more on the bus. I watched so many old people santer onto the bus like they were going to live forever. They waddled from side to side, smiling because they knew the bus wouldn't leave without them. There old, which means there special.
The old lady in front of me picked her nose with every finger and then used the other hand. It was digusting. I just wanted to pinch the back of her neck. Or pull at her blue/sliver hair.

Again the bus stopped and the bus driver took out a sandwich to eat. By this time it didn't matter becasue I had already missed my transfer, so he could sit there for an hour, then i wouldn't have to wait at the mall. But when I finally transferred it was packed. I was not sitting next to anyone.So I sat in the front.Not my preferrance. The guy kept starring at me. He was in front of me.Once, twice he looked. Three four five times he looked. By this time I was growling at him. As to say back off buddy. This kid couldn't of been any older than 18. He had yellow hair with black roots growing in. He pulled out his hard hat and made sure I seen it. And then he begun digging out tools out of his bookbag and strapped them on his tool belt. Now if this kid thinks a hard hat and a hammer hanging off his pants is gonna impress me , he better just step off the bus now. He looked foolish anyways. He looked like a kid playing dress up with his dad's work stuff. When he fianlly got off the bus, I literaly blew a breath of fresh air. I looked out the window and he actually turned around and waved. HA. What a doof.

Of all the days for me not to have a book or anything to keep my ocuppied. All I could do was insult people in my mind.

Im cranky now because theres nothing good to eat and I have to work at 6. I actually hate working. Its soooo boring. Its never busy. I don't even think anyone likes me, they barely talk to me. All night you walk around asking people if they need help and re-folding the same shirt 578 times. My feet ache at the end of the shift because pretty much standing in one spot. And wearing all black is depressing.

Goodbye.

Walk a day in my shoes.

i called in sick so that i could study all day. i had a 25 page midterm review to do. and i had to study for two tests. im pooped! Night.
I'll leave you with my newest creation.

5656942200479648

I was at melanie's blog and she was talking about getting a credit card. This made me post about my devil of a credit card. Its been maxed out about a month after I received it. I always pay on it, but then I spend what I put on it like the next day. You guys have already figured out that I have a spending problem.

My mom read in a magazine you can put your credit card in a bucket of water and freeze it in the freezer so you can't touch it. And if you really need it you have to take it out and unthaw it.So it will make you think twice about using it.

My mom thinking this would cure my bad habit took it out of my wallet and immersed it in an old butter container and stuck it in the deep freeze. A day later I of course panicked when I couldn't find my credit card. My mom calmly pointed to the deep freeze and said "Its in there". I looked in and marked on the butter container said "Amanda's credit card" And to my surprise it was actually in there frozen in a block of ice.

It did work for as long as I had it frozen I put money on my card and couldn't touch it. But the second I unthawed it, I spent it all. I guess it time to chuck it back in the freezer.

It was quite a story to tell.I had to book a hotel room and they needed my credit card number to hold the room. She asked what the expirary date was. And I had to tell her I didn't know because my credit card was in the freezer. The women was quite puzzled, but I told her the story and she thought it was a smart idea.LOl..

All my friends still laugh at me. They tell to be careful not to stick it in the microwave if I wanna quickly unthaw it lol.

second guess.

Im in class. A class full of butt cracks. It seems every girl in my class has low pants that show there cracks. Mine is covered, but I must admit once I been over my yellow thong is discovered.
I am in a sour mood yet again. Whats new? I worked all weekend and just finshed an exam.
I am sitting her as a loner, smiling from seeing my hottie. Thats it.

A few things you didn't know about me.

I wake up in the middle of the night to write down a poem so I don't forget it in the morning.

I sometimes pee with the door open

Tomato and Cumcumber and mircle whip toasted sandwichs=Yummy

I sleep with the fan on all year round.And never turn on the heat.

Yes..I pick my nose!

My cat sleeps on my pillow everynight leaving me with only a small corner of the pillow.

I talk in my sleep and sometimes scream.

I always have sweets hidden in my room somewheres.

My room is a diaster and I like it that way.

My nose and hands are always cold.

I take 4 minute showers and I hate hot water.

I own about 16 pairs of Jeans

I watch the shopping channel regularly!

I once stuck my head on jlos body, so it looked like I was standing next to Ben Affleck.

I always wear socks

I like rap and hip hop.

I don't like to drink anything hot or chocolate.

When I go to the mall I look in every store first and then go back to buy things after.

I detest and am Afraid of jewerly. It makes me sick.

I don't like sitting in the middle seat in a car.

I am scared of bridges

Crackers at 6 am

Feeling a tad cramped up. But I have to go to school. I have a "S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G Test" today!!!Cross my fingers I wanna get 100.. Im having trouble with a few words. I'l study on the bus. No school tomorrow! Excellent!!! I worked last night for a whole 3 hours hahaha... Im gonna be rich when my pay check comes rolling in. Welll i bettter go sift through my cloest to find something to wear to school.
P.S- I haven't really come across Alex in the past few days.And I haven't been looking for him either. Im giving up. Im throwing in the towel. But hes still SOOO CUTE.

Choking.

I miss him. I just read all his emails. Ive saved them all. All 42 of them. I printed them out a long time ago and put them in my box. After two years the first email and the rest are still in a folder in my email account. Im sad. I need to realize hes never going away. I keep relaspings' and losing control. And my strong moments I fall into remission, but he's still there. He's a diease that can not be cured. I am lost at sea, and no one will ever find me. Theres nothing i can do. Marks got me tied down and locked up and he doesn't even know it
This is the email I got the day before he broke up with me. Excuse his bad spelling and kind of ghetto talk lol. I didn't see it coming.... what went wrong?

Hey baby face

im just sitting at mikes drinking and thinking of how much i love you.. Im gonna call you tomrw not tonight. i hope thats alright with you. cuz im gonna go sleep in a sec lol im feeling sick to my lilttle stomcah

i cant wait to see you for X-mas im already getting exiceted i hope this makes you feel good that im writing you this email while trying to chillin with my friends there all making fun of me calling me whpped :(:(:( total not true lol cuz i own u memmba :p jk

cuttie i love u so much dont no what id do with out you and dont worry ill never break up with u promise. ok i promise i promise i promise :):):) i love u and im in love you. for now and forever i promise this to you.

i was on the net trying to find fucking pink sneakers and its getting hard lol. its not very easy at all. but im still gonna try untill i found them.,. i promise to you that i will find u some PINK sneakers ill fucking make them myself lol

i gtg now there gonna start pulling cords out the wall so ill call u tomrw moring as soon as i wake up

i love u babyface x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x

Its just a ringer in my head that won't turn off

Nothings right. Im feeling sour and low. And I feel like i just need to come up for a breath of air. I lost my hope, I lost my smile. I lost all reasoning that I had. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it doesn't get me anywheres. Everything is stacked up and falling down on me. I don't even know what to say. For once I can't convince myself I deserve better or that things will work out for the best. For once the postivity has drained out, Im dry.

My mind is always racing. I wonder, do other people think as much as me. I can't even shut the voices up when I am sleeping. How do I turn them off? I just need one moment to myself, one moment of silence. I sit on the bus and as the wheels turn so do the ones in my head. I have no a moment of rest. When I sleep I dream of M, I dream of things I wish would come true. I think about things I must do the next day. When I awake in the morning I have a mind spinning from the past dream. I sit here and think about Alex, a man who I don't even know, but I fantasy and I cry wondering why I don't deserve a chance. I could speak to him, but why risk the chance of blowing my cover, he'll see I am a fake , he'll let me down gently. It will be just another blow. You see I am a fantastic observer, I can see alot of things people can't. And I see he's in a world of his own, hes polite but distant, hes quiet and determined. Hes in school to learn and thats it, the second he steps out of the school his life starts up.Hes noticed me a few times, but has shown no interest. I dress to the tens, not matter what i wear his reaction is the same, he has no reaction. I am not making any impact nor, am I making his head turn.I push him out of my head and laugh. But the second I see him I gush all over again. Its silly. Its also ANNOYING.

I replay actions in my head, conversations talk to me in my head. Theres no switch to turn it off.When I go out with friends, Im still distracted by my thoughts, my fears and my worries.
Im just full of disappointments and disappointment can cause shatter affects. Im feeling the symptoms now.

the little bird told me

If my information is correct my loverboy's name is Alex. I asked a girl who was in his class what his name was. Hopefully we are thinking of the same guy. She also told me he has a baby, I think she said it was a girl. And that he is single and separated from the babys mother. Well I guess he's hands off now. He not going to want to start a relationship with a baby in his life. And if hes newly single that doesn't help either. He probably already has a alot on his plate and doesn't have room or want any more chances for stress. I am beginning to realize my chances are slim and I'm moving on.

I started a new class today. Business communications, its all about correct grammar, spelling, writing letters and memos. I have a spelling test on Thursday! Ha! I haven't had a spelling test ince like grade 5. I suck at spelling tho so I actually have to study! Im tryin to spot talking bad about people but i have alot of annoying people in my class. They just talk to much. One of the girls just talks through the teachers whole lecture. It gets on my NERVES!

I have begun walking again. I need to kick myself out the door. But once Im out I enjoy it. Its kind of a way to past time, work off some stress and get in shape. I seem to always start walking when it gets cold. I don't know why.

I also want to start volunteering somewheres. I'd like to help kids or old people. Maybe reading to them or tutoring. I was thinking about a soup kitchen. I used to volunteer at the hospital. I didn't care for it too much, the jobs I had to do sucked. I work in the hair salon "curly corner" and I had to go the patients rooms and bring them to the salon. I rammed a girl in a wheelchair into the wall and that was the end of that job. lol. Then i pushed a trolly of books around seeing if anyone want to read. Which no one ever did. It was quite boring.


I just did spell check and I actually spelt "Spelling" and "Grammer" wrong and like 15 more mistakes. This is gonna be a rough class. lol

Handbags finish an outfit.

I love purses, I usually buy one once a month
If I had money I'd buy a new one.
My top six purses/handbags.

Damnit!!!

He has no identity, just a look, a silolette, a tall dark figure. I seen my boy Alex, but he didn't seem to see me. I wandered the halls after my exam finished to try and bump into him. But he was still in class and didn't notice me. I waited in the student lounge for bit in hopes for him to come and sit down. I did see him while I was waiting for the bus. And I feel like I should of ran after him and said "excuse me, whats your name?" but then when would I say if he asked why I wanted to know. "Um well I see you in your class all the time and think your cute." He'd think I was crazy! But Im actually dreaming about this guy, invisioning him,and fantasying about him. He has taken over most of my thoughts.

My classmates think Im crazy...They call me the stalker lol. But Im not stalking. I think I just talk to much lol. They think Im obessed with this guy. I just want to have a chance to get to know him. I doubt I'll be in any of his classes. At least not the next one. I start business communications on Monday.

Im getting to the point where I just need to go up to him and ask him his name. Start some kind of conversation. Whats the worse he can do? "Tell me to F-off." Or tell all his friends Im weird and that I stalk him lol. Nah.. I mean if he has a girlfriend maybe I can be his friend. Its just that I never run into him, I usually only see him in his class. I need to do something, because Im gonna go crazy. If he had a girlfriend or wasn't into me that would be fine. But me just seeing him and wondering all the time about what would happen drives me nuts. I worry that if i wait too long I could lose the chance I had. Like I'd just rather know if something was going to happen or not. I hate waiting. I hate letting things happen. Maybe thats why love never works out for me. Becasue I don't just let things happen. I always have to make them happen, I can never wait and be patient. I tend to rush things and push things, maybe they shouldn't be pushed!

I need your help..What are some good conversation starters? Or can I just walk up to him and introduce myself. Realistically if a strange guy walked up to me and say "hi my names Ken" I'd
be alittle weirded out. Can I just ask him his name? Or maybe tell him I like his shirt. What should I do? I need to get some courage. If I knew he didn't have a g/f.Could I just say "Im Amanda did you wanna go out sometime." Isn't that really blunt. I mean he doesn't even know me. Or should I be straight forward and say. Hi I think your cute. We don't know each other but my names Amanda. I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime.Im not creepy or anything I'd just like to get to know you."

See Im losing it. Help me out. I need to do something monday!

Shopaholic

Amanda's Closet (pictures tomorrow!)

Jeans---> 16 Pairs
Cords--->4 Pairs
Dress Pants---> 7 Pairs
Boots---> 7 Pairs
Blazers ---> 5
Jackets--->5
Comfy Sweaters---> 15
Dressy sweaters---> 16
Blouses---> 6
Pj Pants---> 13 Pairs
Track Pants/ Sweat Pants---> 9 Pairs.
Skirts---> 15
Shorts---> 6
Tank Tops--->46 (!!)
Club Tops---> 35 (!!)
Long Sleeve Shirts---> 13
T-Shirts---> 21
Dressy Short Sleeve Shirts---> 12
Belts---> 13
Purses --->27
Dresses---> 4

Simply Complaining.

I've got alot of complaining to do. Its silly and trivia, but its bothering me. First of al Im getting fat all my dress pants are tight. Actually let me rephrase that, all my Black dress pants are tight. I hate black clothes lol. I barely have any. I feel like a bum at work. I feel fat. Loook at me weird, think Im crazy, but Im actually thinking about quitting over having to wear only black clothes. Ive got reasons.

* My black pants don't fix very well

* I just bought tons of dress clothes for school and none are black.

* I don't have any money to buy more black clothes.

Last night was so dead. There might of been 8 people who came into the store. No one bought anything. I was sooo bored, I wanted to to cry. It was my first night and I cleaned the store top to bottom, sweep and moped the floor. I dusted everything and bought out garbage and boxes. I know it was Halloween, but wow...I am sooo used to be on the go running around. I like it better when its busy. I noticed that it doesn't seem to get that busy. But I decided Im gonna suck it up and try it out for a while longer. It may get better. I only have 6 hours this week!!?I need more hours than that..FOR SURE!!

Alex was at school today, but I didn't run into him once. Im getting discouraged. Im actually looking for once and no guys seem to be paying attention to me. My ego's been hurting for a while. Im feeling like its silly to watch Alex. I don't even know his real name. I might not even like him. But I want to get to know him. But Im not even getting the chance to.I got a month left and then I have afternoon classes. I just feel like it somethings gonna happen it will, and it will fall into place. But I hate waiting and guessing. If nothings gonna happen then I wanna know.And I'll get over it.

Its a new day and I'm still holding a grudge.I was so mad last night.After work I call my mom to get her to pick me up. I wait on the phone while my dad, mom and sister fight over who will pick me up. I end up takin the because no one wanted to drive to the mall and get me. Its not the fact that I had to take the bus, Im a pro at that now. I was angry because my Dad chauffeurs my little sisters EVERYWHERES. On any given night he would drive them to the mall and end up picking on up at 9 and then the other at 9:30. I never get drives, I usually always find my own way. I feel like I get treated differently. Maybe its my fault for being so independant. But I get really bitter and resentful. My parents just say at my age I should buy everything, I waste my money, I should find my own drives,Im too lazy, I should help around the house more. But they seem to forgot that I have been paying for most of my stuff since I was 16. I payed for most of my prom dress and accessories, my grad pictures and gruduation fee. I have ben buying my school supplies and clothes since 16. My sisters who are 15 and 18 pay for nothing.Jessika my 18 year old sister just got a job last month. She doesn't pay for a cent. I pay board every 2 weeks, have been since I was 18. Grr..it just makes me made, because my sisters get everything, there spoiled.And I don't think I ever was.

Anways....enough lol.