Hes moved on, and I lay here cursed

What if we could wash it all away.Flood out the reasons we stopped believing now I feel like its raining in my mind. And when its really raining outside its almost a relief. Maybe it cancels out my own rain.It sobers me. But it doesn't make sense, the rain makes me think, but for once, thinking feels normal. Normal is the only word I can think of to describe what I am feeling. I just want to yell "Let me wash it all away" at the top of my lungs. I wouldn't mind if the wind would blew in my direction. Give me some hope, some peace of mind. But at the moment I am relaxed. I am calm. My cat and I watch out the window, the rain drops are collapsing to the ground. The sound is mesmerizing. My cat's so engaged, I wonder what he sees. This is something we do, its sort of a pleasure. I love the rain.


I had a dream he died, I don't know how, I don't know when.
But it broke my heart all over again.
I was sobbing, crying, aching.
I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't make sense of anything.

Ive been dreaming about him lately. It makes me feel weak. Its like Im losing control over my mind, I don't go to bed thinking about him. But I wake up in the morning in a cold fever, almost a chill from seeing his face. I lay in bed for minutes trying to regain myself, wondering if it was real. Was he back in my life. But I realize its a dream, a really mixed up, messed up dream, I can't sigh in relief. It makes for a bad day. How can I wake up to his face, his touch and not think about him.Im angry at myself for dreaming about him, for letting my mind think about him. Even if it is self consciously. I just hate being weak.