just a thought

I say one thing to person # 1 and then the opposite to person # 2. I need to start supporting my own opinions and feelings. And I need to learn when to stop being so loud with them too.

he's not thinking about me. Ha

He's checking up on me. I've been unblocked. He appears on my list momentarily and then blocks me again. What a game. I don't know his reasoning behind it, weither he wants me to read his names about his new girlfriend. Or it could be that he's just letting me know that hes not thinking about me. Maybe hes looking at my new picture. Whatever it is doesn't matter.Because its just another one of his scams.

Hes moved on, and I lay here cursed

What if we could wash it all away.Flood out the reasons we stopped believing now I feel like its raining in my mind. And when its really raining outside its almost a relief. Maybe it cancels out my own rain.It sobers me. But it doesn't make sense, the rain makes me think, but for once, thinking feels normal. Normal is the only word I can think of to describe what I am feeling. I just want to yell "Let me wash it all away" at the top of my lungs. I wouldn't mind if the wind would blew in my direction. Give me some hope, some peace of mind. But at the moment I am relaxed. I am calm. My cat and I watch out the window, the rain drops are collapsing to the ground. The sound is mesmerizing. My cat's so engaged, I wonder what he sees. This is something we do, its sort of a pleasure. I love the rain.


I had a dream he died, I don't know how, I don't know when.
But it broke my heart all over again.
I was sobbing, crying, aching.
I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't make sense of anything.

Ive been dreaming about him lately. It makes me feel weak. Its like Im losing control over my mind, I don't go to bed thinking about him. But I wake up in the morning in a cold fever, almost a chill from seeing his face. I lay in bed for minutes trying to regain myself, wondering if it was real. Was he back in my life. But I realize its a dream, a really mixed up, messed up dream, I can't sigh in relief. It makes for a bad day. How can I wake up to his face, his touch and not think about him.Im angry at myself for dreaming about him, for letting my mind think about him. Even if it is self consciously. I just hate being weak.

It was so Hard to sum up M and I's relationship in a hand full of pages, but I re read my journal and it took me back to the passion. The good times were a dream, a marvelous dream. I can still remember all the wonderful times, every piece of it. I try to forget the bad times. I can't hate him and I don't want to associate just bad things with him. When I shut my eyes right now I can remember when we broke up, I lied in my bed in the same sheets we slept in together. I held that tattered green phone staring at my wall.My purple wall. I picked at the dents in the wall, just waiting for it to come crashing down on me. I can't move on from that day. I literally pulled out my hair, my stomach didn't want to be fed and my body was completely exhausted. I woke up crying and fell asleep crying. I was broken. I was lost. And I still feel like I am wandering through dark woods with a blind fold on. Im stuck, But could I move on? Eventually. Could I take another chance. Could I bare all the emotions again? I just need to move my life, forget all my baggage and build a life to be proud of.

Kenneth.lol

Joey called my yesterday!Yay! I miss him. I left like 4 drunken messages on his phone from saturday.Haha.I passed around my cell to everyone and made them say hello.He said he got a kick out of the 30 minute long messages, made him feel like he was back home..awww!

Fatty Pants

I am such a late-night snacker.Ask me what I have eaten.?Well since you asked I ate a tomato and cucumber sandwich at 9. A hand full of candies at 10. A bowl of nacho cheese chips at 12 and to top it all off strawberry shortcake at 12:30. Omg Amanda calm down. What did I eat all day? a bag a chips and kraft dinner. My eating habits suck when Im working. I try to eat breakfast but there are many days I rather sleep a few minutes longer than eat a bowl of cereal. I need to get in habit of making my lunch the night before. I need to just start eating regular meals ...meh.

I survived my first day back. I only had 15 rooms to clean today. Not bad. Seen one man in his tighty whities, no shock value there...Ive seen it all. I left 4 cooler in the fridge in room 103. The women who checked in that room came out, she seemed sort of mad. Guez everyone makes mistakes...Yummy..free aclohol. Pretty much my only perk from working there. A discount on the rooms would be Fantastic but too bad they never give it to you. I decided to take my business else where, when we go to Halifax were staying in the Howard Johnson.

Out of control is a state of mind, don't blame yourself.

Just when you begin to fear the direction your life is taking,

all the dead ends and the one-way streets lead you to the place you've been searching for in your heart.

Life takes the wheel and drives us where it needs to.

And most of the time we disagree with the direction.

We stare at the map and can't figure out how we will ever arrive at the destination we want.

But we do.

Eventually.

Its all too much to understand.

Too much to believe.

I wrote this 2 years ago..Kind of random just found it in my journal.

She stands all alone. 

the secret to a happy life is a sense of carefree winds to blow away the over thought out details

Life isn't going to wait for you and it sure as hell isn't going to stop for you.


I worry about what to wear and where my life will go, but tomorrow I could have nothing. Its a scary thought but an honest one at that. Monday was the beginning of my vacation and I've blinked through the week. Its been crazy, but a good crazy. I haven't worried about what to wear or what to do, or even about my job. Ive been swimming, tanning and relaxing. Ive eaten out 5 times (big spot, Heinz twice, homestead and moosers.)Even played pool with my sister and laughed at how bad we were. We went to magic mountian with no worries, no covering our flaws and feeling to old to go on the slides.I even went to the Zoo, it stunk and most of the animals were asleep. One of the birds laughed at us.And we seen the peacock in all its glory with the feathers stand up and beautiful. I seen wedding crashers and went on a mini afternoon road trip to the middle of nowheres.And then I end the week off with a bang at the 02. Grabbing random boys butts, dancing on the stage and seeing all my old friends. Im happy, Im content. And this vacation had really been long over due and perfect in all its small marvelous ways. And if only I could take the rest of my life by the seat of my pants, I think I might be different.

You Lose.

She was desperate to pull herself back ontop.
She'd lay in bed and remember when they'd holler her name.
But now instead of a glistening firm body laying next to her, there resting limp was the face of her heartache.
She didn't chose him, he begged for her. He showered her with gifts and lingered behind her last steps
Every man she had been with controlled her.Used her as he needed and pushed her away when he was done.
She stared in the mirror for days trying to see past the dried black streaks on her cheeks and the knotted hair.
She couldn't bare to be the victim anymore.
If u looked inside her heart you would see broken glass ; thousands of pieces. No one could possibly put her heart back together.
The day she met Paul she knew he needed her more then she would ever need him.
And she liked that feeling, she felt so much strength.
The chase gave her hope in herself.
But she never stopped to think about Paul.
She knew she didn't love him, the love she had was from the attention, the hunger he was filling in her soul.
She missed all the signs. She used him like every guy had used her.
She hollered at him and broke him down.
But he couldn't let go. He placed her on the highest pedestal.
When she had regained her power she brushed him under the mat.
She dusted him off her shoulder and walked away.
She left him crumpled, she broke him in spite of every guy that had broken her.
But paul wasn't strong enough. He couldn't see past his own faults, he couldn't move on.
He let go, left his life in her hands and end his life.
She lies in bed with her fingers wrapped around his life.
She knows there's nothing left.
Why did she have to play this game.
She lost and so did he.

soo tired.

Im sitting here drinking a red bull praying it will give me energy through this day. I drove by work last night and it was packed with drunk teenagers. The worst senario. And they always tend to under staff us, calling off someone that doesn't need to be. I know to look forward to 16 rooms, all check outs. On a regular day I could clean a room in about 15 mins. Today it will most likely take 45- to a hour per room. And its so hot in the hotel. Yuck . I hate that sticky feeling. I am sure I will have a few horror stories to bring home. I always do. My vacation starts tomorrow, hopefully I can make it.

Last night my friend wanted to me to go to 02. I didnt go. Im so tired. Week just drains me and I of course had to work Sunday. I use to be a semi regular at the clubs, now I don't even dream about it. But next weekend. I'll be there.

Book of the week.

What a page turner. Very Thrilling. I'm loving this book!

Save you energy is what he said.
Because the words you blow only create hot air.
And hot air rises, rises past anyones head just straight to the ceiling.
Dry your tears is what he said next.
because once all your tears are shed your left with dry eyes and a red stuffy nose.
Crying doesn't heal anything and doesn't solve your problems.
It creates more problems because people will look at you and think you are a baby.
Confrontation makes me angry,was the last thing he said.
No one has the time to sit on a red flowered couch and discuss their problems.
Most of the time it is your fault that the world is against you.
My advice He said slowly cracking out of the chair.
Let life move with you not around you.You can not control anything that you can not hold in your hand.
So when tears burn your eyes, like them evaporate and move on.

another stunning day in the life of aq.

And God said let there be sun. And the bright yellow sun appeared have was having my routine bad day at work and I looked out the window and for the first time in days the sun was shining!I actually wore a skirt today. A white one at that, now that screams summer. Cat and I went shopping in Trinity. We decided to take a try at Winners. I never had any luck, but today the sun was shining on me I found to awesome shirt. We then headed over to The Bulk barn to stock up on some goodies. I have the ultimate sweet tooth!!! Runts and frogs were my drug of chose today. Homestead was calling my name. So we ordered a clubhouse w/ home fries and chocolate cake with boiled icing. Yummmy. I of course had to buy an large coleslaw. (sp?)

Now I am home and have called 15 hotels in Halifax and Dartmouth. We are trying to find a half decent hotel thats not gonna cost an arm and a leg.

shopping is love

Shopping today!
I bought...

Purple sheets
2 pairs of cute boxer shorts
a pair of capri pj's( there green with flowers)
a multi-colored top
a few cans of red bull
ceral - multigran cherios
2 nail polishes - a light minty green and a tangerine.
Conditonar
A book -"massive" by Julia Bell
a journal
A book on drawing ' The Fundamentals of Drawing Portaits" By Barrington Barber


I love to shop....this trip was actual toned down. I usually buy all clothes and spend about 200 dollars a pay!Ekkks..lol

Shes a butterfly showing off her colorful wings

I can pay my bills online, calulate my spending money.

I walk to work every morning and drag my heavy legs home after the sun is high and hot in the sky.

I danced the night away with friends, tugging on my jeans skirt and wiping the hair off my face.

I caught a few boys looking my way, they gazed at me but never spoke a word.

I even dreamt about a new guy, he stood in shinny armor and kissed my hand.He was built with chivalry.

I bought a bag full of clothes with no one in mind to wear them for but myself.

I can lay in bed cradled in my blanket and not shed a tear.

Its a dream far away that I cry.

Its a wish that my independence is laboring for.

If you look at me. You'll see the wall has crumbled.

And I stand in the dust around my feet, the concrete cant hold me down anymore.

My day consisted of........

Meeting @ work @ 9 am
Slept from 11 until 3 pm
Made supper- Hambuger help, pasta salad and brownies. Now thats a meal!
Went for a drive and ice cream with Joanne
Watched "the jacket" with my sisters.

What a day off..

pipes

Loook at those Pipes!!!!

the sand looked like cinnamon

I survived the family reunion, it was actually quite fun, after we all got over the shy part. I spent the better part of the day on the beach with my sisters and younger cousins. We built a huge sand castle, but it turned out to be a sand village or something. It was pretty cool, really detailed. I tried to stay away from the adults, seeing that I was the only one without a boyfriend I felt pretty lame. My younger sister brought her boyfriend and even my cousin who is gay had her girlfriend lol. It was a pretty basic reunion.
1. Lots of drinking
2. Tons of food.
3. Roasting marshmallows, sitting by the fire.
4. Walking on the beach
5. Alot of chatting

I love and hate the beach! I love the sound of the waves and the cool air.I love them smell and I love the feeling of the warm sand between my toes. The beach always relaxes me, sets me in sort of a trance. I usually get inspired by the ocean, if I wasn't running around with the little kids so much I would of loved to sit on the rocks and write. But I hate the ocean because of the all the rocks on the bottom and jelly fish. I hate getting sand in my hair and in my finger nails.Yuck!I hate having to rinse off all the sand stuck to your feet and legs.

I woke up this morning and my butt just ached. How out of shape am I? Actually I think it means I am getting old. My only explanation is that i sat on my knees for like 2 hours building that sand castle and it must of strained my butt muscles. I'm dieing here...seriously I can't bend over or sit down comfortably. Poor Amanda
"Are you prepared to take a dive into the deep end of my head"
Jason Mraz "Wordplay"

Three Sisters on the beach. Now thats Hot!

another lonely summer night.

As soon as we stepped off the plane from Cuba I bought a bottle of McCains pink lemonade. It quenched my thirst and it quenched my need for something familiar, a taste of home.Sometime, when I go out and I am amongst a crowd of people I need to feel something familiar, or else I get lost. And instead of clutching to the arm of my boyfriend, I play with my watch or twirl my hair.

tomorrow is my family reunion, on my Dads side. Its a relatively big family. I actually never had a boyfriend attend a big family function like this and it sort of disappoints me. Well it really disappoints me, that what boyfriends are for.They are suppose to keep you company at boring events and to show off to all your friends and family. And at this time I am boyfriend-less, so I must fly solo. I am sure if I sink a few coolers it wont be too bad. But I always feel a little left out. We don't get to see this side of the family as often, so I don't feel as close to them or comfortable. Actually our family are the ugly ducklings in the big Quesnel family. Were always the last invited, and we always seem left on our own. So it is easy to feel lost in this crowd. Its horrible that its your own family. So imagine how it feels to feel lost in a huge crowd.

I went down town with my sister and parents to see the car show tonight.The streets were packed, and were were bumping and squeezing thru the herds of people. I of course see many people I know, all in this case are hanging onto there boyfriends or girlfriends arms. I say a brief hello and watch there faces as the scan either side of me, looking for my straggling boyfriend. Hes not there. I feel lonely. I can handle sleeping alone at night and filling my arms with shopping bags alone in the mall. I enjoy being single in the clubs. But when I am going to an event, I hate facing the crowds alone. I often feel less of a person because I don't have a partner to cradle his arm around my back and whisper in my ear. Or even worse, I feel people pity me for being alone.


I live the illusion of a happy life.

I strained the mush of thoughts in my head.

I couldn't bribe you with all un-interrupted hockey games and free Mcdonalds meals.
You were ready to fly from from my cluttered bird cage.
Dirty with waste and you didn't want to help me clean.
I wasn't expecting you to organize my life, I just thought we could be a pair.

***********************************

"Sometime we fill our minds with all the stupid stuff so that we don't think about what really matters." My So Called Life

***********************************
I now believe that I have no clue as to how male minds work. I have the worst judgment. I grade most guys with flying colors and then when I get my chance with reality they fail.

**Its an object to which I choose to obtain. And why do I feel the need, its unknown. Because once I hold the object its value decreases in my eyes~!

Green

Busy shopping store. Red winter Vest.
We met in a casual fashion. I doubted any seed could be planted from him.
Rented Movies, Ketchup chips.
Our night turned into regular routines took seconds to build a foundation.
Sliver car. Pumping speaker.
Our worlds meshed and collided. It was two in the equation now.
Deep fried potatoes. Mint tooth paste.
He became concreted to my heart.Enchanted my soul.
Computer games.Wrinkled movie stub.
At times we feed off each other.And other times we just devoured each other.
Red bitten nails. Dirty green sheets.
It was comical the likeness we shared. The details of our personalities that were mirrored.
Striped kitty cat. Greasy fast food.
Life became so routine.But my soul was altered was branded on my heart.
Cracked tiles.Stained white tshirt.
Just as fast as our loved flowed, it quickly began to evaporate.
City lights. Cleaning detergent.
Its not that our love was lost, but hidden, because things were changing around us.And we couldn't hold each together.
Green cordless phone. Dirty Kleenex.
When it ended, it never truly ended. There always something there.And probably always will be.

How many brunettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The camera flashes
One moment gone.
One staged position
One cracked smile
One eye slightly slit
The other eye wide and glissening
Imperfections caught on paper.
Nervous stare or wacky smile.
Forever etched on the paper.
Your present never altered.
Your past in the past..not present on the paper.
Your brown eyes turned red.
One moment gone
The camera flashes


miss q

sally sleeps soundlessly in her sliver satin sheets.

Cat and I are planning an adventure to Halifax. It will be soo different to sleep in a hotel room, rather than cleaning them. I know I will have to leave a tip, it what we housekeepers do. I love Halifax. I love the atmosphere. I love the people and I love the places. Ive always had happy times there so I am so looking forward to this. I need to get out of moncton, even if it is just for 3 days.
I have been working so much, its crazy. Im too tired to do anything! I work, come home, nap and then watch some tv and then go to bed, to awake to another working day! Argh! What a life. I did do some shopping this week so that of course gave me some Hope!

Too tired to talk anymore.

Me on main street

Alll work and no play makes Amanda mad as Hell!

it was always written in the stars...

Your just a mystery unsolved.
A dream yet to be dreamed
But a dream too over dreamed by me.

My thoughts may be bad, but I couldn't hurt a fly.

I could paint your windows black and shut out all your sunshine.

I could dance with tassels around my waist and my long hair waving in my face.

I could dye all your clothes pink and shrink your underwear so it would pinch your legs.

I could take picture of you in the bathroom, losing all your privacy.

I could eat your favorite cookies and pour your beer down the sink.

I could take a hammer and smash your possessions, hitting close to heart.

But your not worth the fight anymore, you not worth the yell.

And when you look at me you won't deny my maturity.

Around me, my decency will be a shining like armor.

Fire works

Im tired and my brain hurts. And tonight on this rainy Canada Day I will hibernate in my room. I worked all day, blah, but we get paid double time and a half. The Fire works were half decent tonight... alittle cloudy and wet, but still magical! My cousin and aunt and Uncle came up so we had a little gathering on my porch.

Me and terri!!!

Pictures in Terri's room before the Rodeo!