How do you explain whats happening in your brain and in your heart?
When everyone around you sees the basic, but cannot understand the power.
They can not feel the lifetime of pain set upon breaking bones.
Because there one day of pain only angers your eternity.
Drink you tears up so you don't run out.
You think by blowing your nose you can breath. But what do you do when that breath slowly ceases?
My shoulders are heavy, my heart is shrinking.
My life is nothing as it seems.
In a shell we all live.
Blinking as the lights flash. Blinking because its a habit.
I think too much, I try to decipher it all.
I am not capable to let go.
We will never move on. We will learn to fake it. Learn to live the way they think we should live.
And in the end, once our hearts heal, they will break again.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
.........
I hav not written one word since my Aunt died on December 21. I really have no words left in me to right at this point. Its like the soul of my writing is dead.
Friday, December 01, 2006
sunshine in the rain
KOKOMO! a casual family restaurant, that is where donnie and I went for supper tonight. It was ok food, I didn't hate it, it was just a little to bland for me. But getting out of the house and going out to dinner felt like a treat.
The dollarstore has become our second home, I believe were there every night this week. We always need to pick some up, and you can basically get everything there and for a dollar. I have become obessed with fridge magnets, I bought a really cute white and black kitty magnet. I want to go get another. There are kinds of animals and they have long string legs and arms. There adorable. We bought some cat toys, because on Sunday we adopting a little kitten. We went to see the kitten last night and it was adorable, so the women told us the kitten will be ours on Sunday. She wanted to finish the deworming medicine.
We spent most of the night working on the broom closet donnie built for us. As you remember from previous post I complained of our lack of storage room. The only room we had a place to put something is in a corner, and we couldn't find anything to fix that area. Donnie enjoys working with his hands, so he was quite excited to build this broom closet. Its a giant triangle. It will hold our broom, mop, bucket and all our cleaning supplies, and hopefully we will be able to fit our vacuum cleaner in it too. I painted it tonight a sky blue. We were just going to paint it white to match our cupboards. But then I seen this blue paint in the discount section. I wanted a colorful kitchen, and since everything is white, this will fix in nicely. We are going to paint a shelf in the sky blue paint too, so it kind of blends more in the kitchen, there will be more blue. I will post a picture when its done.
Our next project is making a coffee table. It will be a big thick table,stained cherry wood, and then on top we will be putting bright greenish yellow tiles. Its gonna look fab! We are planning on making too end tables too and a bench for the bottom of our bed. I know it will become a reality when I get more money.
Ohohohohoh I almost forgot, I got the job. The testing went fine, and I bomb the interview, I left that day with the job. I start on Monday at 7:30 am. I train for 3 weeks these hours.
Anyways its late... bed time... Donnie went into work to get some extra hours. So Im lonely. I won't have a good sleep, I get scared.
The dollarstore has become our second home, I believe were there every night this week. We always need to pick some up, and you can basically get everything there and for a dollar. I have become obessed with fridge magnets, I bought a really cute white and black kitty magnet. I want to go get another. There are kinds of animals and they have long string legs and arms. There adorable. We bought some cat toys, because on Sunday we adopting a little kitten. We went to see the kitten last night and it was adorable, so the women told us the kitten will be ours on Sunday. She wanted to finish the deworming medicine.
We spent most of the night working on the broom closet donnie built for us. As you remember from previous post I complained of our lack of storage room. The only room we had a place to put something is in a corner, and we couldn't find anything to fix that area. Donnie enjoys working with his hands, so he was quite excited to build this broom closet. Its a giant triangle. It will hold our broom, mop, bucket and all our cleaning supplies, and hopefully we will be able to fit our vacuum cleaner in it too. I painted it tonight a sky blue. We were just going to paint it white to match our cupboards. But then I seen this blue paint in the discount section. I wanted a colorful kitchen, and since everything is white, this will fix in nicely. We are going to paint a shelf in the sky blue paint too, so it kind of blends more in the kitchen, there will be more blue. I will post a picture when its done.
Our next project is making a coffee table. It will be a big thick table,stained cherry wood, and then on top we will be putting bright greenish yellow tiles. Its gonna look fab! We are planning on making too end tables too and a bench for the bottom of our bed. I know it will become a reality when I get more money.
Ohohohohoh I almost forgot, I got the job. The testing went fine, and I bomb the interview, I left that day with the job. I start on Monday at 7:30 am. I train for 3 weeks these hours.
Anyways its late... bed time... Donnie went into work to get some extra hours. So Im lonely. I won't have a good sleep, I get scared.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Amanda and her golden headset.
I was awaken by a phone call from a call center, I had a telephone interview and I go in tomorrow for testing. I need this job. I need it for the money and for my sanity. I have been in Halifax for 3 weeks and I've applied to over 30 jobs, and I've spent more than 80 percent of my time sitting by the phone and checking my emails. And to my surprise I haven't heard one response. I've been racking my brain wondering, if I wrote my cover letters wrong, or if I had spelling mistakes, obviously I didn't have enough experience. Understandable, but I thought someone would or could take a chance on me.
Donnie is excited, I know he is willing to pay the bills for as long as he needs to, but I think hes getting a little frustrated. I know there are things he wants to buy, or things he wants us to do, but we don't ever have much left over money. I feel a little inadequate, I feel like I am not earning money, or doing anything useful though out the day. I feel bad for spending Donnies money, and I feel a little angry that I can not buy the things I want. Splurge.
I have become a chef, supper time is my favorite time. Donnie laughs at all my recipes, and he usually thinks they sound gross. But he hasn't been disappointed yet. Donnie a little fussy, he's fussy with sauces and veggies. I think he's more into plain food, meat and potatoes. I made Chessy Chicken Rolls the other night and I made Beefy Biscuits tonight. I've been finding recipes online. And I've been trying them out every night. I make full meals and desserts.
I hope someone comes to visit soon, I need to show off my cooking skills.
I feel like I need to be doing something through the day, sitting on the couch watching TV gets old. I clean too. So I just need this job, my head, heart and wallet have been suffering since I came here.
Donnie is excited, I know he is willing to pay the bills for as long as he needs to, but I think hes getting a little frustrated. I know there are things he wants to buy, or things he wants us to do, but we don't ever have much left over money. I feel a little inadequate, I feel like I am not earning money, or doing anything useful though out the day. I feel bad for spending Donnies money, and I feel a little angry that I can not buy the things I want. Splurge.
I have become a chef, supper time is my favorite time. Donnie laughs at all my recipes, and he usually thinks they sound gross. But he hasn't been disappointed yet. Donnie a little fussy, he's fussy with sauces and veggies. I think he's more into plain food, meat and potatoes. I made Chessy Chicken Rolls the other night and I made Beefy Biscuits tonight. I've been finding recipes online. And I've been trying them out every night. I make full meals and desserts.
I hope someone comes to visit soon, I need to show off my cooking skills.
I feel like I need to be doing something through the day, sitting on the couch watching TV gets old. I clean too. So I just need this job, my head, heart and wallet have been suffering since I came here.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
little ole' Hubley
Writen on Nov.10,06
Lonely. I am in the living room and Donnie is in bed sleeping, he’s been there since 9:30. I just cleaned the bathroom there was so much dirt, I cleaned along the edges and clean the bathtub again. I sat on the toilet to pee and I smelt stinky piss, I searched everywheres and I looked in the bathtub, and the smell got stronger. I ripped up the little flower mats and it was yellow underneath. Ice peed in the bathtub. Later that day he pooped in our bedroom. The carpet is already really stained. Donnie washed it with a carpet cleaner, but it still stinks and the stains didn’t disappear. I sweep the floors like 10 times a day. I never walk around the floor without my dollar store slippers. We couldn’t even afford a pair of real slippers. The floors look dirty, I’ve tried sweeping them and mopping and they still look the same. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing. There’s so much dust and dirt along the baseboards. Its so disgusting. The blinds are dirty, the windows are dirty.
Ice has been hiding under the bed most of the day. He seems just as lonely as me. He’s so bored. I don’t know if I will make it here. Maybe it will get easier when I get a job. OR should I say if. The employers aren’t biting my bait. And I am sort of glad. I feel so depressed. I feel lonely. I don’t want to work. I feel so out of place here. We live in the middle of nowheres. We have to go into town to get close to anything. It’s so dark at night. I feel like we are living in our own separate world. No one even calls me. I have to call everyone and I feel like I am taking up there time. There are so many things that I want for the apartment to spruce it up. I need to make it feel more like a home. We found a couch that we adore, but since I am unemployed I couldn’t apply for the credit card. And since Donnie has bad credit we didn’t get the couch. We are going to wait until Donnie gets him profit sharing. But I have a feeling that when that time comes we won’t get the couch. Nothing has been turning out like it was suppose to. We were supposed to have the internet, and we don’t. We were supposed to work for Andrew on Sundays to make extra money, we haven’t started. I was hoping to have some interviews lined up for this week, and I haven’t heard back from anyone, and I haven’t sent off too many resumes either because of the no internet problem.
Donnie’s been working extra hours, which he has to because we need the money, but it just adds to my loneliness, of course. I can’t even figure out the channels, its takes me about 20 minutes to find the show I want to watch. We don’t even get MTV. This is the channel I watch the most. I can’t even leave the house without Donnie, there’s nothing close enough to walk to, and I’d get lost and bored alone.
When I dreamt of moving to Halifax, I dreamt of an awesome job, going downtown at night, eating of restaurants, meeting tons of friends, stylish furniture and accessories and shopping. I, for sure, didn’t expect the apartment to look the way it does. Nothing has met my expectations. And I am trying so hard to be patient, I’m trying to be open minded, I am trying to be easier on Donnie. I am just disappointed with the way our new, joint life has turned out. I am going to try and be strong and give this more time. Its just a lonely time for me. And I don’t know who to turn to, or how to change it.
Lonely. I am in the living room and Donnie is in bed sleeping, he’s been there since 9:30. I just cleaned the bathroom there was so much dirt, I cleaned along the edges and clean the bathtub again. I sat on the toilet to pee and I smelt stinky piss, I searched everywheres and I looked in the bathtub, and the smell got stronger. I ripped up the little flower mats and it was yellow underneath. Ice peed in the bathtub. Later that day he pooped in our bedroom. The carpet is already really stained. Donnie washed it with a carpet cleaner, but it still stinks and the stains didn’t disappear. I sweep the floors like 10 times a day. I never walk around the floor without my dollar store slippers. We couldn’t even afford a pair of real slippers. The floors look dirty, I’ve tried sweeping them and mopping and they still look the same. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing. There’s so much dust and dirt along the baseboards. Its so disgusting. The blinds are dirty, the windows are dirty.
Ice has been hiding under the bed most of the day. He seems just as lonely as me. He’s so bored. I don’t know if I will make it here. Maybe it will get easier when I get a job. OR should I say if. The employers aren’t biting my bait. And I am sort of glad. I feel so depressed. I feel lonely. I don’t want to work. I feel so out of place here. We live in the middle of nowheres. We have to go into town to get close to anything. It’s so dark at night. I feel like we are living in our own separate world. No one even calls me. I have to call everyone and I feel like I am taking up there time. There are so many things that I want for the apartment to spruce it up. I need to make it feel more like a home. We found a couch that we adore, but since I am unemployed I couldn’t apply for the credit card. And since Donnie has bad credit we didn’t get the couch. We are going to wait until Donnie gets him profit sharing. But I have a feeling that when that time comes we won’t get the couch. Nothing has been turning out like it was suppose to. We were supposed to have the internet, and we don’t. We were supposed to work for Andrew on Sundays to make extra money, we haven’t started. I was hoping to have some interviews lined up for this week, and I haven’t heard back from anyone, and I haven’t sent off too many resumes either because of the no internet problem.
Donnie’s been working extra hours, which he has to because we need the money, but it just adds to my loneliness, of course. I can’t even figure out the channels, its takes me about 20 minutes to find the show I want to watch. We don’t even get MTV. This is the channel I watch the most. I can’t even leave the house without Donnie, there’s nothing close enough to walk to, and I’d get lost and bored alone.
When I dreamt of moving to Halifax, I dreamt of an awesome job, going downtown at night, eating of restaurants, meeting tons of friends, stylish furniture and accessories and shopping. I, for sure, didn’t expect the apartment to look the way it does. Nothing has met my expectations. And I am trying so hard to be patient, I’m trying to be open minded, I am trying to be easier on Donnie. I am just disappointed with the way our new, joint life has turned out. I am going to try and be strong and give this more time. Its just a lonely time for me. And I don’t know who to turn to, or how to change it.
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