little ole' Hubley

Writen on Nov.10,06

Lonely. I am in the living room and Donnie is in bed sleeping, he’s been there since 9:30. I just cleaned the bathroom there was so much dirt, I cleaned along the edges and clean the bathtub again. I sat on the toilet to pee and I smelt stinky piss, I searched everywheres and I looked in the bathtub, and the smell got stronger. I ripped up the little flower mats and it was yellow underneath. Ice peed in the bathtub. Later that day he pooped in our bedroom. The carpet is already really stained. Donnie washed it with a carpet cleaner, but it still stinks and the stains didn’t disappear. I sweep the floors like 10 times a day. I never walk around the floor without my dollar store slippers. We couldn’t even afford a pair of real slippers. The floors look dirty, I’ve tried sweeping them and mopping and they still look the same. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing. There’s so much dust and dirt along the baseboards. Its so disgusting. The blinds are dirty, the windows are dirty.

Ice has been hiding under the bed most of the day. He seems just as lonely as me. He’s so bored. I don’t know if I will make it here. Maybe it will get easier when I get a job. OR should I say if. The employers aren’t biting my bait. And I am sort of glad. I feel so depressed. I feel lonely. I don’t want to work. I feel so out of place here. We live in the middle of nowheres. We have to go into town to get close to anything. It’s so dark at night. I feel like we are living in our own separate world. No one even calls me. I have to call everyone and I feel like I am taking up there time. There are so many things that I want for the apartment to spruce it up. I need to make it feel more like a home. We found a couch that we adore, but since I am unemployed I couldn’t apply for the credit card. And since Donnie has bad credit we didn’t get the couch. We are going to wait until Donnie gets him profit sharing. But I have a feeling that when that time comes we won’t get the couch. Nothing has been turning out like it was suppose to. We were supposed to have the internet, and we don’t. We were supposed to work for Andrew on Sundays to make extra money, we haven’t started. I was hoping to have some interviews lined up for this week, and I haven’t heard back from anyone, and I haven’t sent off too many resumes either because of the no internet problem.

Donnie’s been working extra hours, which he has to because we need the money, but it just adds to my loneliness, of course. I can’t even figure out the channels, its takes me about 20 minutes to find the show I want to watch. We don’t even get MTV. This is the channel I watch the most. I can’t even leave the house without Donnie, there’s nothing close enough to walk to, and I’d get lost and bored alone.

When I dreamt of moving to Halifax, I dreamt of an awesome job, going downtown at night, eating of restaurants, meeting tons of friends, stylish furniture and accessories and shopping. I, for sure, didn’t expect the apartment to look the way it does. Nothing has met my expectations. And I am trying so hard to be patient, I’m trying to be open minded, I am trying to be easier on Donnie. I am just disappointed with the way our new, joint life has turned out. I am going to try and be strong and give this more time. Its just a lonely time for me. And I don’t know who to turn to, or how to change it.